My Funny Farm - Chapter 2 – Irritating Pacification – Part 2 of 2

My Funny Farm

By Karen Singer

 

Chapter 2 – Irritating Pacification – Part 2 of 2

 

Emily took off Tuesday morning and dragged me to the psychologist’s office once again.  And yes, she made me suck that damn plug in my mouth the entire trip there, and she made good and sure it was still there as I walked from the car to her office, and also while we waited to see the doctor.  And it was still there as she dragged me through the door to talk to the surprised woman.

“I see you followed up on my suggestion of the pacifier,” Doctor Clive said with a smile as we walked in and sat down.

“Yes!  Absolutely,” Emily told her while I was still pulling the damn thing from my mouth so I could reply.

“Not by choice!” I argued.  “Will you please explain to my granddaughter that you didn’t say I had to keep this stupid thing in my mouth all the time.  She’s driving me crazy with it.”

“All the time?” the doctor asked.  “What do you mean by, all the time?”

“I mean…aalll the time!  Twenty-four hours a day.  I even keep finding the stupid thing in my mouth when I wake up to go to the bathroom at night, and I can tell you for a fact that I didn’t put it there when I went to sleep!”

“We know that it’s helping his mental state,” Emily told the doctor.  “So we’ve been doing our best to make sure he keeps sucking on it.”

“How is it helping my mental state if it’s driving me crazy?” I argued.  “You’re all driving me crazy.”

“You just don’t want to give it a chance and try,” Emily told me.

“Give it a chance!  You’re making sure I’ve got too much of a chance.  I can’t stand it!”

“Alright!” the doctor interrupted our argument.  “Enough!”

“Paci!” Emily told me sternly.

Against my better judgement, I stuck the pacifier back in my mouth.

“Craig,” the doctor said.  “Tell me honestly.  Does the pacifier, or your thumb like we were working with last week, help to calm your nerves at all?  Honestly?”

“How can it help if they won’t leave me alone about it?” I told her.  “She even makes me suck on the damn thing while we’re in the car, and even walking from the car into here.  It’s embarrassing!  How can that help calm my nerves?”

“I understand what you’re saying,” the doctor said, “but that’s not the question I asked.  I just want to know if sucking on something like the pacifier or your thumb seems to still help reduce some of the anxiety that you feel.  Last week I got the impression that it did.”

I stared at her without answering.

“Honestly,” she prompted, paying her full attention on me.

I pulled the plug.  “Maybe,” I agreed.

“Maybe?” she asked.  “What’s that mean?  Does it, or doesn’t it?”

“Okay,” I told her.  “Yes.  A little.  But that’s about it.”

“Good,” she said as if satisfied.

“Good!” Emily echoed.

I gave her a dirty look.

“Craig,” the doctor said.  “Since Emily is here, let’s go back to closing your eyes again like we did last week.  Try to forget she’s there and block out everything but my questions.  Okay?”

That startled me a bit learning that she wasn’t happy that Em was in the way.  “Sure,” I agreed.  I closed my eyes and did my best to imagine that Emily wasn’t sitting right next to me.  Now if only it was true with my eyes open.

“And Emily,” the doctor said.  “No more comments!  These sessions are supposed to be between your grandfather and me.  Not you!  Understand?”

“Yeah,” Emily replied unhappily.  “I get it.”

“Good!  Let me do my job!”

I was hoping that for once Emily would keep her big mouth shut.

“Craig,” the doctor said.  “You just admitted a minute ago that sucking on something does help reduce some of your stress.  Would you mind if we did this like last week?  You suck your thumb between each of your answers and try to feel it pulling the stress and anxiety away each time.  Would you mind doing that for me?”

I opened my eyes, and this time gave the doctor my dirty look.  But I caved in soon after.  “Whatever,” I finally agreed.  I held up the pacifier.  “This, or my thumb?”

“Either one.  Whatever you like,” she told me.  “I just want you to concentrate on something in your mouth that you can suck on.”

I brought my hand up to my mouth to stick my thumb in, but I was holding the darn pacifier with that hand and it was in my way.  I gave in to the inevitable and put the pacifier in again.  I closed my eyes, ready for her to hit me with whatever she wanted me to answer.

“Good Craig,” she said.  “Thankyou.  Now just sit there for a moment with your eyes closed and gently suck on that thing.  Gently suck.  As you suck, feel the sucking begin to drain away all your worries, stress, and anxieties.  Let the pacifier pull them all away from you.  Suck, and feel the peace and calm wash over you.”

She let me do that for a few moments.  Longer than I anticipated.  And in truth, I tried.  I tried my best to imagine that sucking on that damn irritating thing was actually making me feel less bothered by everything.  And…it might have worked…some.  But that’s about all I can say about it.  It helped…some.  But I guess some is better than nothing.

“Okay Craig,” the doctor said softly.  “I’d like to start by following up on a few things you mentioned last week.  Okay?  For one thing, I’d like to know if you still feel the same way about all your responsibilities.  Do you remember talking about that?”

I pulled the plug.  “Yes.”  The plug went back in.

“Good,” she said.  “You said last week that you didn’t really have that many responsibilities in your life anymore, but that you wish you had even less.  Do you still feel that way?”

I had to sit there and think about it.  “Probably,” I told her.  “I mean, yeah, life would be easier if I didn’t have any at all.  But let’s face it, life is responsibility.  One thing on top of another that you’ve got to be…responsible for.  Things you need to take care of.”

“And that was another thing you mentioned last week,” she said.  “You wish you had less to take care of.  In fact, you wished you were in a situation where someone would take complete care of you.”

“Did I say that?” I replied, wondering about that?  “I know we talked about it, but I’m not sure I actually said that.  I think we were discussing the differences between an old person…like me…and, I guess, a baby.”

“Yes,” the doctor replied.  “You’re exactly right.  We did discuss that briefly.  But you’re the one who said you wanted to be put into an old folk’s home where you could be treated exactly like that.”

“Hm!” I grunted before I pulled the pacifier out to talk.  “Maybe I did say that.”

“But what I want to know is, do you still feel the same way?”

I had to consider that before answering.  “Maybe,” I finally told her.  “I mean, my wife is gone.  I’m alone…or…I was alone.  In fact, I was happier being alone.  I didn’t have to worry about anyone else being around or what anyone might think about what I was doing.”

“Like committing suicide?” she asked.

“Maybe,” I replied.

“But how does that relate to you wanting to be in an old folk’s home, when you’re not even close to needing it yet?  You’re too young.  Too healthy.  You don’t need it!  You don’t belong there.”

“That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be nice to have someone else take care of me for a change,” I told her.

“Someone else take care of you?” she asked.

I sat there for a moment before answering.  “Damn I miss my wife,” I said.

“Yes,” she replied.  “I know.  We’ve established that.”

“Rache and I watched out for each other.  We took good care of each other.  Always.  All our lives.”  I opened my eyes to look at her.  “But you want to know what the truth was?  She took better care of me than I ever did for her.  She cooked for me.  She cleaned the house.  She did my laundry.  She did…everything.  More than me.  I just went to work and earned the money we lived on.  She made our house a home, for me and the kids.  She was…everything to me.  She was probably everything to our two kids too.”

She looked at me for a few moments taking that in.  I finally closed my eyes and put the damn pacifier back in my mouth.  Sucking on it a bit.  Once again trying to feel if it was pulling any of my anxiety away.  It did…a bit.  But not much.

It was a moment before she said anything.  “Life is never easy, is it.”

I shook my head instead of going through all the motions to answer.

“It sounds like your wife took very good care of you.”

“She did,” I replied.

“Do you think she did too much?”

That stopped me.  “I don’t know.  No!  We were happy, remember?”

“But was she?”

I considered that.  “Yes!  It’s what she wanted to do.”

“And you let her do it all for you.”

“Yes.  But is that a bad thing?”

“No, not at all.  You both were happy, right?”

“Yes.  Absolutely.  That’s what we both wanted.”

“Let me ask you,” she said.  “When you went out to dinner, which of you decided where you want to go?”

 I shook my head as I pulled the plug.  “I wanted her to be happy.  I took her wherever she wanted.  Anywhere!”

“So she made the decisions about that.”

“Not always, but usually.  Like I said, I just wanted her to be happy.  I tried to give her everything I possibly could.”

“You loved her,” she said.

“A lot!  More than life.”

“Your life,” she added.

“My life.  My life has been no good since she died.  If you’ll remember, I tried to fix that a few weeks ago.  It would have been better if it had worked.”

“Concentrate on that pacifier in your mouth,” she told me.  “Suck on it and feel it draining your anxiety away.  Feel it bringing calmness and peace back into your life.”

She left me like that for a few moments before she asked, “Which of you do you think was the more dominant one in your relationship, you, or your wife?”

“Dominant?” I asked.  “We weren’t.  Neither of us.  We had a great marriage.”

“I didn’t say you didn’t.  I’m only asking if there was a dominant partner between the two of you.”

“Oh.  No.  I don’t think so.”

“You don’t think, or you never considered it before?”

“I…”  I had to stop to think about it.  “I don’t know.  I never thought about it.  I doubt either of us ever thought about it.  We were…married.  A family.  Husband and wife.  We were…partners.”

“And now you’re alone, and you’re finding it impossible to cope without her.”

“Like you wouldn’t believe!” I admitted.

“So you think you’d find life easier, if you had someone to decide what meals you eat and to fix them for you.  Someone to do your laundry for you and pick out your clothes.  Someone to basically make all the decisions for you and watch over your entire life.”

I pulled the plug and smiled.  “That would be…nice,” I admitted.  “I certainly wouldn’t mind.”

“But life doesn't quite work that way,” she pointed out.

“No,” I agreed.  “But if I had succeeded in killing myself, I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore, would I.  I would have been better off.”

“But you also would have been dead.”

“So…what!  At least it would be something I wanted.  Peace.  And maybe Rachel would be there when I died to welcome me into her arms again.”

“Gramps!” Emily interrupted.  “Stop it!  Please!”

I knew she wouldn’t be able to stay quiet for long.

The doctor sighed.  “Okay.  Both of you!  Craig, open your eyes if you want.  We’re about done for today.”

I opened my eyes, but I neglected to pull the pacifier from my mouth.

“Tell me,” she said.  “Last week I suggested that maybe you might consider finding something new and different for your life.  Something to help take your mind off of missing your wife.  Have you thought about that at all?”

 I shook my head.  “Not really,” I admitted.

“We did!” Emily told her.  “The entire family talked about it…together.”

“And what did you decide?” the doctor asked.

“We’re working on it,” Emily told her.  “It’s kind of a difficult thing.  There’s so much to consider.”

“Many things often are,” the doctor told her.  “But whatever you’re thinking, it doesn’t have to be anything that drastic.  Just something simple.  Start small maybe.  See if it helps.  Then see if you need to make any changes.”

Emily nodded.  “We’ll get there,” she replied.  She looked at me.  “Soon!  I can’t believe how fixated you still are on killing yourself!”

“Wouldn’t you?” I told her.  “Look how you’re treating me.  You never let me be alone anymore.”

“Yeah.  And you’ve just admitted what you would do if you ever got that chance to be alone.  You’d go and kill yourself…again!  We’re doing everything we possibly can to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

I was disgusted and looked away.  I even put the stupid pacifier back in my mouth before I did.

“Maybe,” the doctor said, “you and your family should continue to keep that close watch over him all the time.  And I’ll see you here next week.”

 

My Funny Farm - Chapter 2 – Irritating Pacification – Part 1 of 2

 

My Funny Farm

By Karen Singer

 

Chapter 2 – Irritating Pacification – Part 1 of 2

 

From the moment she bought that package of three pacifiers, Emily made me keep one of them in my mouth at all times, including while she was driving me home!  That was embarrassing!  And she wasn’t being nice about it.  In fact, she was being outrageously bossy and domineering.  She literally yelled at me the moment I even tried to remove the darn thing from my mouth, even to talk.

“You can talk with it in your mouth!” she ordered sternly.  “Leave it there and suck on it!  No more trying to kill yourself.  Just suck and keep yourself calm!  We want you around, not dead.”

I would have been a lot more calm if she’d just leave me alone and stop yelling at me.  She was so bad about the thing, that I was seriously wondering if she was going to let me remove it so I could eat dinner.  Fortunately, she did.  But not until I had sat down at the table, and the moment I was done eating, she made sure that darn stupid thing went right back into my mouth.  The pacifier had quickly gone from something meant to sooth me, to something that was a major irritation.  Or was that her bossing me around?  Either way, I wanted it to stop!

All during dinner that night, I had to sit there and listen to Emily telling Jared every little thing about what had been discussed with the psychologist.  Listening to her tell it all was far more embarrassing then when it had actually happened.  I just sat there and shoved food into my mouth as fast as possible so I could leave the table as soon as possible.

All evening long, Em and her non-husband discussed my session with the doctor.  Much of their conversation took place quietly in the kitchen while I watched TV in the living room…or they thought I was watching TV.  It was difficult to actually hear much of what they were saying, but I did catch a little snatch of conversation when they weren’t as quiet as they had been.

“You said the doctor wants us to find some way to shake his life up,” Jared reminded her.  “This would certainly do that.  And I’m sure we would both find it kind of fun.”

“Yeah, it would certainly shake his world,” Emily agreed as if she was considering whatever it was.  “And yes, I know we would both probably enjoy it, at least somewhat, but he would absolutely hate it.”

“Would he?  Are you absolutely sure about that?”

It was a moment before she answered.  “No,” she replied.  “I guess there’s a chance he might actually enjoy it.  Although I have no doubt he’d protest and say he hates it.”

“That much I have no doubt,” Jared agreed.  “But to be honest, I think that would make it more fun for both of us.”

“Yeah.  Probably,” she agreed.  “And you’re right about one thing.  The doctor did say we need to shake his life up.  Find some way to change it.  And I think she’s right about that.  Not to mention, doing this would probably make other things we’ve been doing more…natural?   Or normal?  Is that how we should look at it?”

“I don’t know,” Jared admitted.  “Maybe.”

Emily sighed.  “We’ll have to consider it.  That’s all I can say.  Let’s…think about it.  And don’t forget, we’ve got consider everyone else too.”

“Yeah.  I guess we’d have to,” her non-husband agreed.  “I’m not sure I want to have that conversation.  Any of those conversations.”

“Neither do I.”

That’s the last I heard of what they were saying as they soon came into the living room with me to watch TV.  But I didn’t miss the looks that passed frequently between them, as if they’d had an argument or something.  Except I knew that argument hadn’t been about them, it had been about something they wanted to change in my life.

“Put your paci back in your mouth!” Emily ordered.  “And suck on it!  Damn!  How many times do I have to tell you?”

Ugh!  They hadn’t been around.  My mouth was killing me!  Not to mention, I was tired of having slobber all over my chin.  But I was even more tired of her being so bossy!

Do you know, Emily even tried to make me suck that stupid pacifier while I was sleeping?  She sent me to bed and checked to make sure it was in my mouth, but trust me, I pulled the thing out as soon as she left the room.  Funny thing though, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, like I do pretty frequently every night, and somehow that stupid thing was in my mouth again, and I didn’t remember putting it there.  Did I?  Or did she sneak in, find the damn thing missing, and shove it back again?  When I went back to sleep, I set the thing on my night table and made sure it was there before I rolled over to go back to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I was happy to see it still on my night table where it belonged!  Unfortunately, it didn’t stay there long.  The moment Emily saw me that morning, she ordered me to go find it and stick it back in my mouth.  I don’t remember the doctor saying that it had to be there all the time.  I know she didn’t say that!  This was just Emily overreacting to the fact that I had tried to do myself in.  And right now, I think I had more reason for doing that than ever.

When Mrs. Lowrey showed up for her shift of keeping an eye on me all day, darn Emily made a big deal about the pacifier, and flat out lied to her about the doctor wanting me to suck on the thing all the time.  The doctor never said that!  The doctor never came close to saying that.  Did she?  But either way, I spent the entire day with Mrs. Lowrey reminding me to keep the stupid thing in my mouth.  And I’m wondering if she got some kind of big kick about coming over to me once in a while with a rag, just to wipe the slobber off my chin.  Her big excuse for it all was that they were paying her to make sure I did everything to get myself well again.  This didn’t have anything at all to do with getting my head straightened out!  Did it?  Well, maybe some.  But certainly not much.

I was concerned, or was it worried…both…about whatever it was Em and Jared had been discussing the night before.  Did I dare ask them about it?  But the way she was acting about the stupid damn pacifier, I didn’t think I wanted to get into that with them.  I sat around all day and worried…and worried…and worried about it.  Fortunately, that evening, I never heard another word about it.

Days passed, and still nothing.  Whatever it was, I was convinced that Emily and Jared had abandoned the idea.  Now if they would just abandon the idea of making me keep a stupid pacifier in my mouth all the time, I’d be a lot happier!  And why did I keep waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and find that damn thing in my mouth?  Was that pacifier haunted?  Or was it just some kind of frightening demon?

I normally cut my lawn during the week, but that week I decided to put it off until Saturday, just because it would get me away from Emily and Jared for a few hours on a day when they’d both be home all day.  You’ve got to understand.  My house is big, and so is my yard.  I’ve got nearly twenty acres of property, most of it wooded.  But the area directly around my house is all lush grass, and I work hard to keep it that way.  Consequently, my lawnmower is a good one.  In fact, there are cars that don’t cost that much.  Cutting my grass with that mower is one of my few real pleasures in life.  The mindless task of cutting the grass gives me time to sit there and think.  I don’t know why I enjoy doing it so much, but I do.  The part of my yard that needs to be cut is big enough that it still takes me over two hours to get through it all, but it looks so good every time I finish.  Making it look good gives me a sense of pride…unlike sucking on a stupid pacifier all the time.

Saturday afternoon, I snuck out of the house.  I gassed up my mower and climbed abord.

“What are you doing?”

I looked over and saw that Emily had tracked me down to my big garage workshop in the backyard.

“Cutting the grass,” I told her.  “It needs it.”

“Okay,” she agreed.  “Just…keep that pacifier where it belongs.”

Ugh!  Why, why, why?  Angrily, I stuck the stupid thing back in my mouth, put my earplugs in, adjusted my sunglasses, adjusted my big-brimmed hat, and cranked the engine on my mower.  The thing was loud enough to chase her away quickly.  Seeing how fast she got out of there, I realized I needed to spend more time on that mower.

As always, I started with the front yard.  I was halfway done with it when I saw my son James and his wife Jennifer pull into the driveway.  I immediately pulled the pacifier from my mouth so they wouldn’t see it.  They both waved at me, and I waved back and kept cutting the grass.  The stupid pacifier in my hand was in my way though and making it more difficult to steer, so the easiest way for me to deal with it was to stick it back in my mouth.  I wasn’t pleased about doing that, but I had no doubt that Emily would be.

Five minutes later, another car pulled in.  Michael and Nichole.  Mike was James’ son and my oldest grandchild.  Again, I pulled the pacifier out before they could see it, I hoped.  They waved as they headed into the house, and I waved back.

A few minutes later, I finished with the front yard and moved into the back, but before long I noticed another car in the driveway.  I hadn’t even seen it pull in.  I knew though that the car belonged to my daughter Ashley and her husband Chris.  Was the whole family coming today?  Just so long as they all left me alone!  Maybe I could get away with cutting the grass twice…or three times.  On my next time pass where I could see the driveway, I noted one final visitor.  My remaining grandchild Bill and his wife Caitlin.  Yep.  The entire family was indeed there.  Funny, nobody bothered to tell me they were all coming.

Unfortunately, my weekly grass chore eventually came to an end, and I parked my lawnmower back in the big garage workshop out in my backyard.  I headed for the house, my pacifier in my hand where I preferred it instead of it being in my mouth.  I went in and was a bit surprised to see everyone sitting around our big dining room table.  They certainly weren’t eating anything though.

“Hi Dad,” James called.

“Dad!” Ashley greeted me from her seat as well.

Caitlin actually came over and hugged me.  “Hi Gramps,” she said pleasantly.  “How are you?”

“Good,” I told her.  “Fine!”

“Gramps!” Jennifer said angrily from the table.  “Emmy says you’re supposed to be sucking on a pacifier all the time!  Where is it?”

I put my foot down.  “The doctor never said that!” I told them.  “And I’m sick and tired of the thing.”

“I don’t care!” Emily told me.  “That pacifier is helping to relieve some of your stress, so keep it in your mouth and keep sucking on it.  Now where is it?”

I held it up.  “Right here,” I told her.  “And I’m done with it.”

“No you’re not!” Ashley said as she got out of her chair and came over to me.  “Dad, we don’t want you committing suicide again.  We’ll do anything to stop that.  So if it helps even a little, then I’m all for it.  We all are.  Now put it in and keep it there.”

She glared at me, and I glared right back at her…until I finally stuck the thing back in my mouth…then I removed it again.  “I had no idea you were all coming,” I told them all.  “I was going to ask what you’re all doing here, but now I’m not interested anymore.  I’m gonna take a shower.  Just leave me alone!”  I purposely shoved the stupid pacifier back in my mouth showing them how angry I was, then I turned and walked off.

“Keep that thing in your mouth,” Ashley called after me.

I turned around.  “What, are you going to do, come into the shower with me and check on it?”

“Yeah,” Ashley told me.  “I might!”

Ugh!  I turned, frustrated.  With the way they’d been acting lately, they just might do it.  Why were they all here anyway?

I took an extra-long shower.  A shower where I had that damn pacifier, not in my mouth, but on the shelf with my shampoo.  Not once did anyone come into my bathroom to see if I had that thing in my mouth, but James did come into the bathroom just before the end and asked if I was alright since I had been out of their sight for so long.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” I told him.  “Why the hell can’t you just leave me alone!” I complained.  “I’m getting out.  Damn meddlesome people!”

Yeah, I stuck the pacifier in my mouth before I got out of the shower, if for no other reason than so I could have both hands free to hold  the towel to dry myself off.  Nobody was in the bathroom when I stepped out of the shower.  I could have stayed in there for another hour…or another day…or two.

By the time I got dressed and entered the world of people again, most of the family was gone, but not everyone.  I found James and his wife Jennifer sitting in the living room talking with Emmy and Jared.

James looked up at me as I came out of my bedroom.  “Hi Dad,” he said.  “Feeling better?”

“I felt perfectly fine before!” I told him…after removing that damn plug from my mouth.  I looked around at the four of them.  “Do I want to know what you were all discussing earlier?  And don’t forget, not one of you consulted me about it, even though I have a suspicion that it was all about me.”

Jennifer let out a chuckle.  “Well…mostly, but not as much as any of us expected.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked as I walked over to my recliner and sat down.

“Paci Gramps,” Emily quickly reminded me.  “You can do like the doctor said, remove it just to talk, then stick it back in again.”

“That’s not going to help!” I yelled.  “None of this is helping.  You’re all just making my life worse!  Now what is it that you were all trying to keep from me?”

“Stick it in and we’ll tell you,” Jennifer told me.  “We’ll wait until you do.  And for your information, we weren’t keeping anything from you.  You would have been more than welcome to join our discussion.  In fact, we were planning on you being there, but you chose to avoid us by staying outside and cutting the grass so it’s your own fault!  Now pacifier…and then we’ll fill you in on…the weird stuff that most of us didn’t know.”

I was startled.  It sounded like maybe that hadn’t been about me at all.  Like it or not, I stuck the damn pacifier back in my mouth and waited.

“Where do we start?” Jennifer said, rolling her eyes.

“Dad,” James jumped in.  “Just so you know.  We were trying to discuss how we’re going to handle continuing to take care of you, but in the process we learned a few things about the kids that even I didn’t know.  Surprising things!  And…I’m afraid we learned one or two things I never expected about you as well.”

“Let me guess,” I said.  “That porn Emily saw me looking at.”

“Yes.  She told us all about it.”  He looked at Emily.  “In great detail I’m afraid.”

I looked at Emily.  “Why can’t you just leave it alone?  I’m sick of hearing about it.”

“I’m sure you are,” James agreed.

“Then do something about it,” I suggested.  “I just want to be left by myself again.”

“So you can commit suicide?” Jennifer countered.

“Not gonna happen!” James told me.  “And that’s something we all agree on.  From now on, somebody is always going to be around to keep an eye on you, one way or another.”

I growled unhappily.  “Just leave me be!”

“Like I said, not gonna happen!” he replied.  “Do you have any idea how angry everyone in the family is at what you did?”

That surprised me.  “Angry?”

“Yes Dad.  Angry!  We all are.  Dad, believe it or not, we love you.  Just like we loved Mom.  We don’t want you to die!  Not yet at least.  Not until you’re…at least a hundred years old.”

Stupid!  “I’m not going to live that long.  I didn’t want to live this long.  I would have been happier dying when I was supposed to a week ago.”

“See!” Jennifer said quickly.  “That’s why we can’t leave you alone.  And that’s why we want you to use anything that will help make you feel better.  Like that pacifier.  If it helps, then don’t stop!”

Jennifer was a nurse.  One of two in the family now.  I knew she dedicated herself to taking good care of people.  I wasn’t going to win that argument with her.  It didn’t stop me from…not glaring, but just looking at her for a few moments while she stared back.  I felt dumb doing that with a pacifier in my mouth.  I finally shook my head and pulled my speaking plug.  “So what else did you discuss?”

“Lots, Dad,” Jennifer said with a shake of her head.  “Lots.”

“Um, Dad,” James said.  “Just so you know, one of the big discussions was that Caitlin and Bill want to move in here with Emmy and Jared.”

“We didn’t know they were looking for a cheaper place to live too,” Jennifer added.  “We had no idea.  Just like we didn’t know about…”  She looked at Emily and Jared.  “Other things.”

“Like…what?” I asked.

“Gramps,” Emily said.  Then she chuckled happily.  “Jared and I are kind of heavily into BDSM.”

I was shocked.  “You’re what?”

“Bondage, discipline….” Jared started.

“Yeah,” I interrupted him.  “I know what it means.  I looked it up a few months ago.  Wait a minute,” I said.  “Is that what those weird leather outfits I saw you both wearing once were all about?”

“You saw us?” Emily asked, surprised.

“Once,” I admitted.  “And once was enough!”

She laughed, and so did Jared.  “Maybe we don’t have to keep it just upstairs anymore,” Jared suggested.

“No,” Emily agreed happily.

“Do I get a say in this?” I asked.

Emily shook her head.  “Sorry Gramps, but probably not.”  She laughed again.  “But guess what, we’re not the only ones in the family who are interested in it.  Caitlin and Bill are too.  Just not to the extent that we are.”

“The only problem with it all,” Jared added, “is that all of us are more interested in the dominant side.  Especially Emmy and me.  I’m guessing that Caitlin and Bill are probably more switches though.”

“Switches?” I asked.

“Back and forth from dominant to submissive.  Whatever they feel like at the time,” he replied.

“Yeah, I knew that,” I told him.  I looked over at James.  “Are Caitlin and Bill planning on moving in here…without asking me?”

“Yeah Dad,” James admitted.  “They made that decision while we were discussing things today.  Probably in a couple of weeks.  Before the end of the month so they don’t have to pay another month’s rent on their apartment.”

“And nobody asked my opinion?”

“No!” James said firmly.  “We all feel that you need as much supervision as we can give, and you yourself have done nothing but prove that to us, including while we’ve been talking here.  Having more people in the house will help that situation.”

“So you’re telling me I’m going to have a house full of kids, running around and making lots of noise, wearing the most ridiculous outfits I could ever imagine…whether I like it or not!”

“Um…” James said.

“That’s about the size of it,” Jennifer confirmed.  “I’m afraid so.”

“Great!” I breathed, unhappy with it all.  “Why can’t you all just leave me alone?”

“Anyway…” James said.  “There’s more.  Finding out about the…sex games…wasn’t all we talked about.”

“You mean that wasn’t enough?” I asked.

“It wasn’t our main purpose in being here,” he replied.

“Then what was?”

“Their idea,” Jennifer said as she nodded toward Emily and Jared.

I looked in Emily and Jared’s direction.  “Do I want to know what that idea is?”

“Probably not,” Jennifer told me.

And exactly what kind of blockbuster great idea did those two come up with?” I asked.

“Well, that’s kind of hard to explain,” James told me.  “And just so you know, we aren’t all fully on board with it yet, especially since there’s so much that was never thought about.  It would be difficult, for all of us.”

“So don’t worry about it,” Jennifer finished.

“But what was it that I should have been worried about?” I asked.

“Don’t worry about it!” Jennifer emphasized.  “If you find yourself worrying, then don’t bother.  Just suck your paci a bit more.”

Suck on it more?  They were forcing me to suck the damn thing constantly as it was.  How would I manage to do it even more?  And of course, I did worry about whatever it was they had been thinking about, and I couldn’t decide if I should feel lucky or not that they had abandoned the idea.  At least for now.

 

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My Funny Farm - Chapter 1 – Rule of Thumb – Part 2 of 2

 My Funny Farm

By Karen Singer

 

Chapter 1 – Rule of Thumb – Part 2 of 2

 

Like it or not, the family had me on lockdown.  My son James and my daughter Ashley made strict arrangements for someone from the family to always be around.  Mostly that was easy since Emily and Jared were in the house with me.  But when they weren’t, if someone else from the family couldn’t be there, they hired kind of a…babysitter…to make sure I didn’t try and off myself again.

Mrs. Lowery was a middle-aged woman who had lost her husband and needed a parttime job to help her get by.  Em and Jared found her.  I simply didn’t see the need for her, or the need to spend the money for her to come in and sit around watching my TV, while I tried to do my best to ignore her.  Another major irritation in my life.

But between my two kids and my three grandkids and their spouses, they all did their best to keep me from ever being out of anyone’s sight for more than two minutes.  Like it or not, someone was always around me.  Just going to the bathroom became a chance for me to be away from their watchful eyes for a few blessed minutes.  But then, they never let me stay in the bathroom very long without checking on me.  I had traded one major irritation for a worse one.

Like it or not, they forced me to see a psychologist, Doctor Tonya Clive.  And to make sure I got to my appointment, Emily drove me.  In fact, she not only drove me, she went in to talk to the woman with me, making sure to tell the doctor every little thing she knew about me, including the porn she had caught me looking at once.  I was so angry at her for telling the woman doctor about that.

“I’m a grown man, and alone!” I argued.  “I’m not hurting anyone looking at that stuff!”

“Did I say you were?” Emily countered.  “I don’t care what you look at.”

“Then why did you have to bring it up?  It’s embarrassing!”

“Is it as embarrassing as you slashing your wrists and trying to kill yourself?”

“I don’t consider that embarrassing at all,” I countered.

“Why do you feel like the porn is embarrassing?” Doctor Clive asked me.

“She told you what kind of porn I was looking at,” I told her.  “Wouldn’t you find that embarrassing?”

“Then why do you look at it?” she asked.

“Because I want to!  So what?  I like it, okay?”

“Fine by me,” she told me calmly.  “It’s you who seem to be upset over it.”

“Well I’m not!  I’m just pissed because…she brought it up.”

“Okay,” the doctor replied.  “But maybe that’s a good thing.”

“Good?  How?”

“It might give us a tool we can try.”

I shook my head.  “You lost me.  What are you talking about?”

“I’d like to try an experiment.”

“Does it involve dangerous chemicals?” I quipped.

She ignored my comment.  “Try this,” she said.  “Take your thumb and stick it in your mouth, and suck on it for a few minutes.”

I looked at her like she was crazy.  “Do what?”

“Suck your thumb for me.”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“Because this is an experiment.  Try it.  Please.”

“Gramps!” Emily said.  “Just do it, okay?  She’s trying to help you.”

“And what if I don’t want help?”

“Then do it anyway!” she told me sternly.

“I still don’t see a reason for it.  It’s just stupid.  Just because I like looking at some sissy baby porn, you want me to suck my thumb like a dumb baby.  Well I’m not!  It’s stupid!”

“Gramps!  The doctor is trying to help!”

“That’s true,” the doctor added.  “Trust me.  This isn’t about anything embarrassing at all.  This is simply an easy experiment to see if it helps how you feel.  Please, just give it a try.”

I was skeptical to say the least.  Not to mention, sucking my thumb in front of my own granddaughter wasn’t exactly on my list of non-embarrassing things to do.

“Gramps!  Do it!” Emily ordered again.

I sighed.  “This is so dumb!” I muttered.  I brought my thumb up near my lips, put an angry expression on my face, and stuck the thumb in.  Then I glared at the doctor, just daring her to say anything about it.

“Now close your eyes,” the doctor told me.

I was surprised, but I went ahead and closed my eyes.

“Suck your thumb,” she prompted.  “Don’t just let it sit in your mouth.  Feel it there and suck gently on it.  Go ahead, try it,” she told me.  “Gently sucking.”

Ugh!  This was getting worse.  So I gently sucked.

“Good,” the doctor said softly.  “Now think about all your problems and imagine them draining away each time you suck.  Imagine your life becoming calmer, easier, and happier the more you suck…suck…suck.”

Okay, I was beginning to understand where she was trying to go with this now…sort of.  It was an old technique I was vaguely aware of, despite it being my thumb instead of something else.  But I knew the technique was a good one, so I played along.  After a moment or two, I did kind of feel some of the distress I hadn’t known I was feeling beginning to drain away.

“Keep sucking,” the doctor told me, “and let’s try something.  Every time I ask you a question, you keep your eyes closed, but you take your thumb out of your mouth, answer my question as best you can, then put it back and suck on it again, feeling your stress drain away.  Nod if you understand.”

I nodded.

“Good,” I heard her say.  “And you!” I was guessing she was talking to Emily.  “Don’t say anything!  This session is supposed to be me working with him!  Not both of you.  I shouldn’t have let you in here to begin with.”

“Okay Craig,” the doctor continued.  “Question time.  Remember how I want you to answer.”

It wasn’t exactly difficult.

“With your eyes closed,” she said.  “Tell me exactly why you suddenly decided you had to end your life.”

I removed my thumb from my mouth.  “I miss my wife,” I told her, before putting my thumb back in and starting to suck on it again.

“Is that all?” she asked.

I had to consider that before I removed my thumb to answer again.  “I don’t know,” I told her.  “The house.  It just feels all wrong.  Empty.  And that’s despite my granddaughter and her friend living upstairs.  Without Rachael, what’s the use of living there?  What’s the use of living…period!  ”  I stuck my thumb back in my mouth.

“Missing someone is difficult,” she said.  “When a loved one dies, it can be one of the most traumatic things in the world to deal with.  But it’s something that we all have to learn to deal with, like it or not.  It’s simply…difficult.  And Craig, you’re not exactly young anymore.  You should be very aware of that.”

“I am,” I confirmed.  “I know.  But Rache was always such a huge part of me.  We were always so close.  I don’t want to go on without her.”

“And yet,” she said, “going on…moving on…continuing to live, is the way of the world.  People die.  It’s the way life works.  It has always worked that way.  We have to continue on until it’s our turn to die.”

“That doesn’t mean I want to.”

“No,” she agreed.  “You might not, but that’s the way the world works.  Someone dies, and we have to keep going, despite missing that person.”

“I know…but still.”

“Still, it’s difficult,” she agreed.  “The hurt is there, sometimes even after a long time.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.  "It is.”

“Suck your thumb for a moment,” she told me.  “Think about your wife.  About missing her.  About how lonely you feel without her.  About how much you hurt with her gone.  Keep your eyes closed and suck your thumb, and as you suck, feel a bit of peace seep into you.  Think about all the loneliness and hurt, but as you suck, try to feel a sense of calmness coming over you.  Focus on that calm.  Focus on how good it feels.  Suck, and let the calmness wash all your hurt away.  Suck, and feel good about yourself.  Suck, and let yourself remember how wonderful your wife was, but as you suck, feel nothing but calm and happy about it, even though she’s no longer with us.  Suck your thumb for a few moments and feel good about yourself, and life.  Suck.”

She was quiet for a while, letting me just sit there with my thumb in my mouth, sucking away.  And the funny thing was, her suggestions kind of worked.  Some.  Not greatly, but a little.  As I sat there with my thumb in my mouth, sucking away, I forgot all about how stupid I had to look doing it.  I simply sat there and tried to hang onto a bit of calmness and happiness that was somehow beginning to ease the deep depression I had felt since Rachael had died.  Sucking gently.  Thinking about her.  Trying hard to feel at least somewhat good about things.

Her voice was so soft I almost didn’t hear it when she asked, “Craig, how stressful is your life, not counting missing your wife?”

I had to remove my thumb from my mouth again.  Oddly, I missed it immediately.  “Not very,” I replied.  “I’m retired.  I’ve got nothing to do but cut the grass once in a while.  Oh, and pay my bills,” I added.  “Believe it or not, that’s about it, unless something breaks around the house and needs fixing.”

“So you need something to keep you busy,” she suggested.

I shook my head as I removed my thumb again.  “No.  Not really.  I’ve had enough of work and responsibility.  One of the great things about retirement is the lack of responsibility.  In fact, I wish I had even less responsibility.  Now, without Rachael, let the rest of the world take care of everything.  They don’t need me anymore.  I’m old and done with.  Obsolete.  Let me die and get out of the way of everyone else.  No more responsibilities.  No more worries.  Just…peace.”

“I find it strange that you should say something like that,” she said.  “It sounds like you want everyone else to do everything for you.  You want everyone else to take care of you.”

“I’m getting old,” I replied.  “I’m tired.  I’m tired of everything!  I want my wife back.”

“But you can’t have her back, and life has to go on,” she said.  “Responsibilities or not.”

I didn’t reply.

“You feel like you want to turn all your responsibilities over to everyone else, so you don’t have to worry about them anymore.”

“Why not?  I’m ready for the old folk’s home.  Get me out of the way.”

“But if everyone else is taking care of you, then you’re not out of the way, are you,” she said.  “And you’re not nearly old enough for someplace like that.”

“Dying would have fixed that perfectly,” I pointed out.  “And in an old folk’s home they would take care of me completely.”

“Like an old man, or a baby?” she countered.

I considered that.  “Maybe there’s not much difference.”

“True,” she agreed.  “Sometimes, babies and old people both need more care than a normal person.  An old person sometimes has difficulty controlling their bladder and might need diapers the way a baby does.  And if you want to keep comparing, an old person may have trouble chewing and need soft, easy to eat food like a baby would need.  Old people might have trouble dressing themselves, bathing themselves, simply taking care of themselves.  The list goes on and on.  But you Craig, are nowhere near that category.  You’re not that old and you’re certainly not feeble in any way.  Your problem is something entirely different.  You…simply miss your wife.  You feel abandoned, even though she didn’t really abandon you.  She’s no longer with you, not because she didn’t love you, but because she died.  Just like happens to everyone eventually.  She loved you greatly I’m sure, right up until the moment she passed away.  And now you’re left without her, and you’re trying very hard to place the blame for that where no blame exists.  It wasn’t her fault she died.  And you know perfectly well that it’s not your fault either!  Is it?”  When I didn’t answer she repeated that.  “Craig, is it your fault that she died?”

“No,” I admitted.  “It’s…nobody’s fault.”

“Right,” she said.  “Try to remember that.  It’s nobody’s fault.”

She said nothing more, and I sat there for a few moments, still sucking my thumb with my eyes closed.  Finally, I asked.  “So now what am I supposed to do?”

“Think about what we discussed here today,” she suggested, “and we’ll talk more next week.  And in the meantime, I think it might help you if you consider some small way to shake your life up a little bit.  You’re brooding over your dead wife way too much.  Find something else to think about.  And you know what Craig, I think sucking your thumb today may have helped.  You might want to consider continuing to do it,  sucking and thinking about letting it help drain all your stress and anxiety away as you suck.  Maybe do it as much as possible for a few days.  And if you need to do something with your hands while you’re sucking, then you could always consider finding something else to put in your mouth instead.  Even a baby pacifier could work so you can keep your hands free.  Maybe, keep it with you all the time.  And if you need to, what’s the harm of keeping it in your mouth for a while, especially if it does help to keep some of your depression away.  Will you consider that?”

I opened my eyes, but I didn’t get a chance to answer.  “I’ll get him one myself,” Emily stated firmly.  “On our way home today.”

My Funny Farm - Chapter 1 – Rule of Thumb – Part 1 of 2

 

My Funny Farm

By Karen Singer

 

They all said they just wanted to save his life, but some of them had other agendas.

 

Chapter 1 – Rule of Thumb – Part 1 of 2

 

Before I begin, let me get one thing perfectly straight.  It’s not my fault!  We’ll it is, sort of, but it’s really not!  It wasn’t my idea to wind up wearing diapers and dresses and stuff.  Well, it sort of was my idea, but it really wasn’t.  I didn’t want this!  Well, yes I did…sort of.  But the truth is that I didn’t want this!

Oh hell!  Where do I even begin to try and explain this.  They say the best place to start is at the beginning, but…was there a beginning?  I’m not really sure.  And if there was a beginning, what beginning was that?

So okay, I’ll go back.  Back to a time when life was filled with trees and flowers and chirping birds, and basket-weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes, and they're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-ha.  To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time and…

Sorry.  That song is far older than any of you.  Just remember, it wasn’t my fault!  Got it?  Okay.

Shit!  Where the hell is the beginning?  Maybe I should tell you a bit about me instead.  The real me.  The normal me!  My name is Craig Bryson, but to most of my family, I’m simply known as Gramps.  Yeah, I’m not a spring chicken anymore.  In fact, I’m sixty-eight years old and retired.  I don’t work.  I’ve had enough of work.  Retirement suits me perfectly!  Well, it did.  I’m not so sure anymore.  But once again I’m getting ahead of myself.

My wife, Rachael, died suddenly about a year ago, which put a big stop to most of our retirement plans.  It wasn’t something I could ever foresee.  The end result of it was that I was left all alone in this big old house, which in truth, I didn’t mind at all, with the exception of wanting to commit suicide since she left without me.  If my wife wasn’t there with me, I didn’t want anyone else around, and I was seriously thinking that maybe that should include me.  And when it came to the kids and the grandkids, well okay, they could come for  a visit – once in a while only.  A quick visit, after which they could all get back to their busy lives and leave me alone!

Without my wife, I wanted to be alone.  In fact, I preferred it.  But well…fate likes to play strange tricks on you.  But I’m getting ahead of myself again.

Look, I’m a guy okay.  A normal guy…well, I was…sort of.  Anyway, since my wife was gone and I was alone, I began to have all these yearnings.  Yearnings that drove me to the internet for…uh…education.  Is that a good way of putting it?  Okay – porn!  At first I looked at women.  But then well, I got fascinated with other aspects of what I was looking at, particularly a lot of the BDSM junk, especially male domination.  Hey!  Who was I hurting looking at that stuff?  Nobody!  But to keep going, the male domination stuff soon led me to males being forced into sissy behavior, and from there came the domination offshoot of diapers!

Yeah, it was a bit of a journey, but after a few months I became absolutely obsessed with the sissy diaper domination stuff.  I almost couldn’t get enough of it.  So much so, that I was actually planning on buying myself some diapers and also some women’s dresses and shoes and stuff.  Hey, I was alone, remember?  A – L – O – N – E!  Who was I hurting?  Nobody!  And since I was alone, who was going to find out?

Okay, remember that I said fate likes to play strange tricks on you?  The trick is that I never got to order any of that stuff.  None of it!  And I was very glad!  Okay, I was a bit perturbed as well, but…well, fate of course.  Fate, and the fact that family is family, and despite the fact that I didn’t want any of them around, I’ve always considered that family is one of the most important things in life.  So when a family member needs something you can easily help with, you don’t hesitate.  Even though yes, I hesitated, big time!  Did I mention I liked being alone?  But…well…fate.  And they asked nicely.  How could I possibly say no?  So I said yes.

Before I knew it, I was no longer alone in my house, and I had to learn how to live with two other people, my youngest granddaughter Emily, and her…boyfriend Jared, who she had been living with for the past two years.  Why didn’t they believe in marriage?  Oh well.  They were essentially married…even though they weren’t.

My granddaughter, Emily, and her…non-husband Jared needed a cheap place to live.  Jared had just gotten a job as a plant maintenance worker and Emily had recently been hired to be the girl’s gym teacher at one of the local middle schools.  You’d think between the two of them that they could easily afford their own house (or two), but they were looking for something cheaper, and they immediately thought about my big house just sitting here empty and not being used.  It wasn’t empty.  I lived here.  And did I mention that I liked living here alone?  But, well, family is family, and of course…fate.  So I said, sure.  Why not!

Why not?  Now, after months of them being here, and everything that’s happened to me, I can give you a wealth of “why nots!”  But again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Suddenly, my house was not so quiet anymore.  Em and Jared lived in one of the bedrooms upstairs and now I could often hear them running and playing up there, not to mention lots of excited laughter echoing through the house as they…played.  Once, I briefly caught sight of both of them wearing some strange leather outfits.  That was weird.  No telling what those two were doing exactly, but I figured I was better off not knowing.

I did my best to adjust my life to them being there, cutting my alone time down to only when they were both at work.  I figured it was probably better that they were there anyway since it kept me from actually indulging in some of those warped fantasies I had been developing.

Okay.  Let’s cut to the chase.  The part where things didn’t just start to go bad.  The bad stuff fell on me like a ton of bricks.

I was home alone.  Em and Jared were at work.  With nobody there, I was free to turn to my favorite internet sites and peruse the sissy porn to my heart’s content.  And I was content doing it.  It was the stuff that filled my dreams now.  But then, well…fate again.

“What’s that?” the unexpected voice came.

I turned away from my computer and looked up…horrified!  Em was in the doorway to my home office, and she could see the porn I was looking at.  Before I could turn it off, she was behind me looking over my shoulder.  I quickly minimized my internet browser.

“I didn’t hear you come in,” I told her.  “You’re supposed to be at school.”

She ignored what I said.  “Open it up.  I want to see.”

“No!  And I’m a grown man, and I can look at what I want.”

“Of course,” she agreed.  “And I’m a grown woman.”

I wasn’t absolutely sure about that.  As my youngest granddaughter, I often thought of her as a child.  But the truth is, she was out of college now and working as a teacher.

She suddenly reached around me and grabbed my hand that was resting on the computer mouse.  I fought with her.  “No!  Stop that!” I told her.  But her hand was strong.  Too strong!  Uh…did I mention that she was a middle school gym teacher and was obsessed with exercise?  Yeah, she was strong.  Much stronger than my aging body probably ever was.  She was literally all muscle!  Still, I fought with her over it, and like it or not, she was winning.  She literally pressed the mouse button despite my hand being below hers.  The web browser sprang to life again and there was nothing I could do to stop her from looking at the embarrassing content I had been occupying myself with.

“Cool,” she said as she took a moment to see exactly what I was looking at.

Her reaction surprised me.  Um…I won’t tell you exactly what was on the screen, but…well…yeah, it involved diapers and dresses and sissy stuff.

“Lots of people wearing diapers,” she noted.  “And lots of guys in stupid looking dresses…with diapers.”  And then she laughed.

Ugh!  “Can you just leave it alone,” I told her.  “It’s no big deal.”

“But you obviously like looking at it,” she said.

“Sometimes,” I admitted.  “Now move.  Let me turn it off.  What are you doing here anyway?”

“Teacher’s day,” she explained, her hand still controlling the mouse, right over top of my hand.  “We only needed to be there half a day.”

She was still scrolling down the page to see more of the junk I was into.

“Stop!” I said as I shook my hand on the mouse.

She laughed and finally removed her hand.  She leaned over and kissed my cheek.  “Enjoy!” she said before taking off with another laugh.

Frustrated with life, I closed down the web browser and shut down my computer.  I didn’t need her to see any of that stuff.  That was my private business.  Just like whatever those two got into upstairs was their business.  Leather outfits?  Their business, not mine.  I just hoped nothing would come from what she had seen.  I should have hoped harder.

 

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I had a big house.  My wife had gone to heaven without me.  I was not quite alone all the time, but much of the time.  And the truth was, those young people running helter-skelter around my house when they were there was starting to grate on my nerves.  I wanted to be alone!  I wanted quiet!  I wanted…my wife back.  Every way I looked at the situation, there was no way for me to win.  So why should I bother trying?  Why should I put up with the constant irritation and worry?  Why should I…keep living?

One day, it simply got too much for me.  Em and Jarad had been out at work all day and I had been moping around the house by myself, as usual.  My wife wasn’t there to fill it with the warmth I wanted to feel again.  Nothing had been right since she had left me.  Why should I keep trying to live?  I couldn’t think of one good reason.  So I decided to end it all.  Put a stop to my depression.  Let the young kids have the big house all to themselves.  Let them run it into the ground to their hearts’ content.  I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. 

So I slit my wrists.

I woke up in the hospital with my daughter, Ashley, watching over me.  I didn’t even know she was there until a few seconds after I realized where I was, and that I was still alive…unfortunately.  But the moment she grabbed her hand and leaned over me, I wished again that I hadn’t woken up.

“Dad!  You’re awake!”  She seemed to be relieved.  “What did you do to yourself?  Why Dad, why?”

I looked up into her pretty eyes.  How could I have sired such a pretty creature?  “I miss her,” I said.  “I miss her so much.”

She looked down at me.  “Yeah, me too,” she said.  “We all do.  But that’s no reason for you to try and kill yourself!”

How little she knew.  She might be married now, but she hadn’t yet lived almost her entire life being so dedicated to one single person.  A dedication between the two of us that made us both feel more like one single person than two.  What else are you supposed to do when your very soul gets ripped out of your body?

 

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