My Funny Farm - Chapter 2 – Irritating Pacification – Part 1 of 2

 

My Funny Farm

By Karen Singer

 

Chapter 2 – Irritating Pacification – Part 1 of 2

 

From the moment she bought that package of three pacifiers, Emily made me keep one of them in my mouth at all times, including while she was driving me home!  That was embarrassing!  And she wasn’t being nice about it.  In fact, she was being outrageously bossy and domineering.  She literally yelled at me the moment I even tried to remove the darn thing from my mouth, even to talk.

“You can talk with it in your mouth!” she ordered sternly.  “Leave it there and suck on it!  No more trying to kill yourself.  Just suck and keep yourself calm!  We want you around, not dead.”

I would have been a lot more calm if she’d just leave me alone and stop yelling at me.  She was so bad about the thing, that I was seriously wondering if she was going to let me remove it so I could eat dinner.  Fortunately, she did.  But not until I had sat down at the table, and the moment I was done eating, she made sure that darn stupid thing went right back into my mouth.  The pacifier had quickly gone from something meant to sooth me, to something that was a major irritation.  Or was that her bossing me around?  Either way, I wanted it to stop!

All during dinner that night, I had to sit there and listen to Emily telling Jared every little thing about what had been discussed with the psychologist.  Listening to her tell it all was far more embarrassing then when it had actually happened.  I just sat there and shoved food into my mouth as fast as possible so I could leave the table as soon as possible.

All evening long, Em and her non-husband discussed my session with the doctor.  Much of their conversation took place quietly in the kitchen while I watched TV in the living room…or they thought I was watching TV.  It was difficult to actually hear much of what they were saying, but I did catch a little snatch of conversation when they weren’t as quiet as they had been.

“You said the doctor wants us to find some way to shake his life up,” Jared reminded her.  “This would certainly do that.  And I’m sure we would both find it kind of fun.”

“Yeah, it would certainly shake his world,” Emily agreed as if she was considering whatever it was.  “And yes, I know we would both probably enjoy it, at least somewhat, but he would absolutely hate it.”

“Would he?  Are you absolutely sure about that?”

It was a moment before she answered.  “No,” she replied.  “I guess there’s a chance he might actually enjoy it.  Although I have no doubt he’d protest and say he hates it.”

“That much I have no doubt,” Jared agreed.  “But to be honest, I think that would make it more fun for both of us.”

“Yeah.  Probably,” she agreed.  “And you’re right about one thing.  The doctor did say we need to shake his life up.  Find some way to change it.  And I think she’s right about that.  Not to mention, doing this would probably make other things we’ve been doing more…natural?   Or normal?  Is that how we should look at it?”

“I don’t know,” Jared admitted.  “Maybe.”

Emily sighed.  “We’ll have to consider it.  That’s all I can say.  Let’s…think about it.  And don’t forget, we’ve got consider everyone else too.”

“Yeah.  I guess we’d have to,” her non-husband agreed.  “I’m not sure I want to have that conversation.  Any of those conversations.”

“Neither do I.”

That’s the last I heard of what they were saying as they soon came into the living room with me to watch TV.  But I didn’t miss the looks that passed frequently between them, as if they’d had an argument or something.  Except I knew that argument hadn’t been about them, it had been about something they wanted to change in my life.

“Put your paci back in your mouth!” Emily ordered.  “And suck on it!  Damn!  How many times do I have to tell you?”

Ugh!  They hadn’t been around.  My mouth was killing me!  Not to mention, I was tired of having slobber all over my chin.  But I was even more tired of her being so bossy!

Do you know, Emily even tried to make me suck that stupid pacifier while I was sleeping?  She sent me to bed and checked to make sure it was in my mouth, but trust me, I pulled the thing out as soon as she left the room.  Funny thing though, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, like I do pretty frequently every night, and somehow that stupid thing was in my mouth again, and I didn’t remember putting it there.  Did I?  Or did she sneak in, find the damn thing missing, and shove it back again?  When I went back to sleep, I set the thing on my night table and made sure it was there before I rolled over to go back to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I was happy to see it still on my night table where it belonged!  Unfortunately, it didn’t stay there long.  The moment Emily saw me that morning, she ordered me to go find it and stick it back in my mouth.  I don’t remember the doctor saying that it had to be there all the time.  I know she didn’t say that!  This was just Emily overreacting to the fact that I had tried to do myself in.  And right now, I think I had more reason for doing that than ever.

When Mrs. Lowrey showed up for her shift of keeping an eye on me all day, darn Emily made a big deal about the pacifier, and flat out lied to her about the doctor wanting me to suck on the thing all the time.  The doctor never said that!  The doctor never came close to saying that.  Did she?  But either way, I spent the entire day with Mrs. Lowrey reminding me to keep the stupid thing in my mouth.  And I’m wondering if she got some kind of big kick about coming over to me once in a while with a rag, just to wipe the slobber off my chin.  Her big excuse for it all was that they were paying her to make sure I did everything to get myself well again.  This didn’t have anything at all to do with getting my head straightened out!  Did it?  Well, maybe some.  But certainly not much.

I was concerned, or was it worried…both…about whatever it was Em and Jared had been discussing the night before.  Did I dare ask them about it?  But the way she was acting about the stupid damn pacifier, I didn’t think I wanted to get into that with them.  I sat around all day and worried…and worried…and worried about it.  Fortunately, that evening, I never heard another word about it.

Days passed, and still nothing.  Whatever it was, I was convinced that Emily and Jared had abandoned the idea.  Now if they would just abandon the idea of making me keep a stupid pacifier in my mouth all the time, I’d be a lot happier!  And why did I keep waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and find that damn thing in my mouth?  Was that pacifier haunted?  Or was it just some kind of frightening demon?

I normally cut my lawn during the week, but that week I decided to put it off until Saturday, just because it would get me away from Emily and Jared for a few hours on a day when they’d both be home all day.  You’ve got to understand.  My house is big, and so is my yard.  I’ve got nearly twenty acres of property, most of it wooded.  But the area directly around my house is all lush grass, and I work hard to keep it that way.  Consequently, my lawnmower is a good one.  In fact, there are cars that don’t cost that much.  Cutting my grass with that mower is one of my few real pleasures in life.  The mindless task of cutting the grass gives me time to sit there and think.  I don’t know why I enjoy doing it so much, but I do.  The part of my yard that needs to be cut is big enough that it still takes me over two hours to get through it all, but it looks so good every time I finish.  Making it look good gives me a sense of pride…unlike sucking on a stupid pacifier all the time.

Saturday afternoon, I snuck out of the house.  I gassed up my mower and climbed abord.

“What are you doing?”

I looked over and saw that Emily had tracked me down to my big garage workshop in the backyard.

“Cutting the grass,” I told her.  “It needs it.”

“Okay,” she agreed.  “Just…keep that pacifier where it belongs.”

Ugh!  Why, why, why?  Angrily, I stuck the stupid thing back in my mouth, put my earplugs in, adjusted my sunglasses, adjusted my big-brimmed hat, and cranked the engine on my mower.  The thing was loud enough to chase her away quickly.  Seeing how fast she got out of there, I realized I needed to spend more time on that mower.

As always, I started with the front yard.  I was halfway done with it when I saw my son James and his wife Jennifer pull into the driveway.  I immediately pulled the pacifier from my mouth so they wouldn’t see it.  They both waved at me, and I waved back and kept cutting the grass.  The stupid pacifier in my hand was in my way though and making it more difficult to steer, so the easiest way for me to deal with it was to stick it back in my mouth.  I wasn’t pleased about doing that, but I had no doubt that Emily would be.

Five minutes later, another car pulled in.  Michael and Nichole.  Mike was James’ son and my oldest grandchild.  Again, I pulled the pacifier out before they could see it, I hoped.  They waved as they headed into the house, and I waved back.

A few minutes later, I finished with the front yard and moved into the back, but before long I noticed another car in the driveway.  I hadn’t even seen it pull in.  I knew though that the car belonged to my daughter Ashley and her husband Chris.  Was the whole family coming today?  Just so long as they all left me alone!  Maybe I could get away with cutting the grass twice…or three times.  On my next time pass where I could see the driveway, I noted one final visitor.  My remaining grandchild Bill and his wife Caitlin.  Yep.  The entire family was indeed there.  Funny, nobody bothered to tell me they were all coming.

Unfortunately, my weekly grass chore eventually came to an end, and I parked my lawnmower back in the big garage workshop out in my backyard.  I headed for the house, my pacifier in my hand where I preferred it instead of it being in my mouth.  I went in and was a bit surprised to see everyone sitting around our big dining room table.  They certainly weren’t eating anything though.

“Hi Dad,” James called.

“Dad!” Ashley greeted me from her seat as well.

Caitlin actually came over and hugged me.  “Hi Gramps,” she said pleasantly.  “How are you?”

“Good,” I told her.  “Fine!”

“Gramps!” Jennifer said angrily from the table.  “Emmy says you’re supposed to be sucking on a pacifier all the time!  Where is it?”

I put my foot down.  “The doctor never said that!” I told them.  “And I’m sick and tired of the thing.”

“I don’t care!” Emily told me.  “That pacifier is helping to relieve some of your stress, so keep it in your mouth and keep sucking on it.  Now where is it?”

I held it up.  “Right here,” I told her.  “And I’m done with it.”

“No you’re not!” Ashley said as she got out of her chair and came over to me.  “Dad, we don’t want you committing suicide again.  We’ll do anything to stop that.  So if it helps even a little, then I’m all for it.  We all are.  Now put it in and keep it there.”

She glared at me, and I glared right back at her…until I finally stuck the thing back in my mouth…then I removed it again.  “I had no idea you were all coming,” I told them all.  “I was going to ask what you’re all doing here, but now I’m not interested anymore.  I’m gonna take a shower.  Just leave me alone!”  I purposely shoved the stupid pacifier back in my mouth showing them how angry I was, then I turned and walked off.

“Keep that thing in your mouth,” Ashley called after me.

I turned around.  “What, are you going to do, come into the shower with me and check on it?”

“Yeah,” Ashley told me.  “I might!”

Ugh!  I turned, frustrated.  With the way they’d been acting lately, they just might do it.  Why were they all here anyway?

I took an extra-long shower.  A shower where I had that damn pacifier, not in my mouth, but on the shelf with my shampoo.  Not once did anyone come into my bathroom to see if I had that thing in my mouth, but James did come into the bathroom just before the end and asked if I was alright since I had been out of their sight for so long.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” I told him.  “Why the hell can’t you just leave me alone!” I complained.  “I’m getting out.  Damn meddlesome people!”

Yeah, I stuck the pacifier in my mouth before I got out of the shower, if for no other reason than so I could have both hands free to hold  the towel to dry myself off.  Nobody was in the bathroom when I stepped out of the shower.  I could have stayed in there for another hour…or another day…or two.

By the time I got dressed and entered the world of people again, most of the family was gone, but not everyone.  I found James and his wife Jennifer sitting in the living room talking with Emmy and Jared.

James looked up at me as I came out of my bedroom.  “Hi Dad,” he said.  “Feeling better?”

“I felt perfectly fine before!” I told him…after removing that damn plug from my mouth.  I looked around at the four of them.  “Do I want to know what you were all discussing earlier?  And don’t forget, not one of you consulted me about it, even though I have a suspicion that it was all about me.”

Jennifer let out a chuckle.  “Well…mostly, but not as much as any of us expected.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked as I walked over to my recliner and sat down.

“Paci Gramps,” Emily quickly reminded me.  “You can do like the doctor said, remove it just to talk, then stick it back in again.”

“That’s not going to help!” I yelled.  “None of this is helping.  You’re all just making my life worse!  Now what is it that you were all trying to keep from me?”

“Stick it in and we’ll tell you,” Jennifer told me.  “We’ll wait until you do.  And for your information, we weren’t keeping anything from you.  You would have been more than welcome to join our discussion.  In fact, we were planning on you being there, but you chose to avoid us by staying outside and cutting the grass so it’s your own fault!  Now pacifier…and then we’ll fill you in on…the weird stuff that most of us didn’t know.”

I was startled.  It sounded like maybe that hadn’t been about me at all.  Like it or not, I stuck the damn pacifier back in my mouth and waited.

“Where do we start?” Jennifer said, rolling her eyes.

“Dad,” James jumped in.  “Just so you know.  We were trying to discuss how we’re going to handle continuing to take care of you, but in the process we learned a few things about the kids that even I didn’t know.  Surprising things!  And…I’m afraid we learned one or two things I never expected about you as well.”

“Let me guess,” I said.  “That porn Emily saw me looking at.”

“Yes.  She told us all about it.”  He looked at Emily.  “In great detail I’m afraid.”

I looked at Emily.  “Why can’t you just leave it alone?  I’m sick of hearing about it.”

“I’m sure you are,” James agreed.

“Then do something about it,” I suggested.  “I just want to be left by myself again.”

“So you can commit suicide?” Jennifer countered.

“Not gonna happen!” James told me.  “And that’s something we all agree on.  From now on, somebody is always going to be around to keep an eye on you, one way or another.”

I growled unhappily.  “Just leave me be!”

“Like I said, not gonna happen!” he replied.  “Do you have any idea how angry everyone in the family is at what you did?”

That surprised me.  “Angry?”

“Yes Dad.  Angry!  We all are.  Dad, believe it or not, we love you.  Just like we loved Mom.  We don’t want you to die!  Not yet at least.  Not until you’re…at least a hundred years old.”

Stupid!  “I’m not going to live that long.  I didn’t want to live this long.  I would have been happier dying when I was supposed to a week ago.”

“See!” Jennifer said quickly.  “That’s why we can’t leave you alone.  And that’s why we want you to use anything that will help make you feel better.  Like that pacifier.  If it helps, then don’t stop!”

Jennifer was a nurse.  One of two in the family now.  I knew she dedicated herself to taking good care of people.  I wasn’t going to win that argument with her.  It didn’t stop me from…not glaring, but just looking at her for a few moments while she stared back.  I felt dumb doing that with a pacifier in my mouth.  I finally shook my head and pulled my speaking plug.  “So what else did you discuss?”

“Lots, Dad,” Jennifer said with a shake of her head.  “Lots.”

“Um, Dad,” James said.  “Just so you know, one of the big discussions was that Caitlin and Bill want to move in here with Emmy and Jared.”

“We didn’t know they were looking for a cheaper place to live too,” Jennifer added.  “We had no idea.  Just like we didn’t know about…”  She looked at Emily and Jared.  “Other things.”

“Like…what?” I asked.

“Gramps,” Emily said.  Then she chuckled happily.  “Jared and I are kind of heavily into BDSM.”

I was shocked.  “You’re what?”

“Bondage, discipline….” Jared started.

“Yeah,” I interrupted him.  “I know what it means.  I looked it up a few months ago.  Wait a minute,” I said.  “Is that what those weird leather outfits I saw you both wearing once were all about?”

“You saw us?” Emily asked, surprised.

“Once,” I admitted.  “And once was enough!”

She laughed, and so did Jared.  “Maybe we don’t have to keep it just upstairs anymore,” Jared suggested.

“No,” Emily agreed happily.

“Do I get a say in this?” I asked.

Emily shook her head.  “Sorry Gramps, but probably not.”  She laughed again.  “But guess what, we’re not the only ones in the family who are interested in it.  Caitlin and Bill are too.  Just not to the extent that we are.”

“The only problem with it all,” Jared added, “is that all of us are more interested in the dominant side.  Especially Emmy and me.  I’m guessing that Caitlin and Bill are probably more switches though.”

“Switches?” I asked.

“Back and forth from dominant to submissive.  Whatever they feel like at the time,” he replied.

“Yeah, I knew that,” I told him.  I looked over at James.  “Are Caitlin and Bill planning on moving in here…without asking me?”

“Yeah Dad,” James admitted.  “They made that decision while we were discussing things today.  Probably in a couple of weeks.  Before the end of the month so they don’t have to pay another month’s rent on their apartment.”

“And nobody asked my opinion?”

“No!” James said firmly.  “We all feel that you need as much supervision as we can give, and you yourself have done nothing but prove that to us, including while we’ve been talking here.  Having more people in the house will help that situation.”

“So you’re telling me I’m going to have a house full of kids, running around and making lots of noise, wearing the most ridiculous outfits I could ever imagine…whether I like it or not!”

“Um…” James said.

“That’s about the size of it,” Jennifer confirmed.  “I’m afraid so.”

“Great!” I breathed, unhappy with it all.  “Why can’t you all just leave me alone?”

“Anyway…” James said.  “There’s more.  Finding out about the…sex games…wasn’t all we talked about.”

“You mean that wasn’t enough?” I asked.

“It wasn’t our main purpose in being here,” he replied.

“Then what was?”

“Their idea,” Jennifer said as she nodded toward Emily and Jared.

I looked in Emily and Jared’s direction.  “Do I want to know what that idea is?”

“Probably not,” Jennifer told me.

And exactly what kind of blockbuster great idea did those two come up with?” I asked.

“Well, that’s kind of hard to explain,” James told me.  “And just so you know, we aren’t all fully on board with it yet, especially since there’s so much that was never thought about.  It would be difficult, for all of us.”

“So don’t worry about it,” Jennifer finished.

“But what was it that I should have been worried about?” I asked.

“Don’t worry about it!” Jennifer emphasized.  “If you find yourself worrying, then don’t bother.  Just suck your paci a bit more.”

Suck on it more?  They were forcing me to suck the damn thing constantly as it was.  How would I manage to do it even more?  And of course, I did worry about whatever it was they had been thinking about, and I couldn’t decide if I should feel lucky or not that they had abandoned the idea.  At least for now.

 

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