Lonely Adventure Journal – Day 2

I was bad!!! Karen will be a good sissy baby. Karen will be a good sissy baby. Karen will be a good sissy baby!

Yesterday (Day 2), I had to run a short errand while on the way home from work. But by the time I finally got home, I had to pee so badly that I could hardly hold it. I’m afraid that once I got home, I hurried straight through the laundry room and straight into the bathroom to pee. I knew there was no way I could hold it long enough to diaper myself first. But it’s more broken rules. The major ones! I keep kicking myself over it, but what should I have done? I guess the obvious answer to that one is that I should have wet myself, or have wet on the floor, or wherever. Sissy babies don’t have any control once they’re home from work.

So, to punish myself, I decided to go through with wearing my heels to bed last night. Pain, pain, pain!!! After two hours, I was in such agony, that I couldn’t take it anymore. I was constantly promising myself that I would stick to all my rules – no matter what – over and over again. And I will! (I hope). I finally had to remove the heels a little after midnight so I could get some relief – and some sleep. I do have to work after all. Even then, my feet felt like I was still wearing the shoes for a very long time because they hurt and burned so badly. Let me tell you, while wearing the shoes, you can’t bend your feet at all. The only position the shoes allow is the one your foot is locked into by the shape of the shoe. And the wide double buckle straps don’t let me even bend my ankles much. I’ve begun to think of that pair of heels as my “punishment shoes” because they hurt when I wear them for walking and they hurt even more to sleep in. I put them on very briefly this morning when I got up, just so that I could wear them to get my other heels (I didn’t want to break another rule about not wearing heels in the house).

So tonight when I get home from work I’m planning on punishing myself for everything – including removing the heels so I could get some sleep. I will write 100 times: “Karen will be a good sissy baby.” It will be done in crayon with each line a different color. After each 25 lines, I will set the kitchen timer for 16 minutes, then stand in the corner holding a penny against the wall with my nose till the timer goes off. All this will be done in my punishment heels. I expect it to be agonizing and tedious to say the least. But I have to learn to obey the rules. If anybody has some other suggestions, I’d be glad to hear them.

I think I’m developing an odd relationship with my pacifier. I hate the thing, yet it’s beginning to feel “normal” in my mouth – which is only right for a big sissy baby I guess.

I’m more than a bit surprised at how easily my body is adapting to peeing and keeping my sphincter muscles relaxed all the time. Especially at night. Last night (after I removed the shoes) there were a lot of times when I was only sort of aware that I was going to pee. It was kind of just in the background somewhere. Maybe someday I’ll actually be able to sleep completely through it all. And when I’m awake it’s getting easier and easier too. In fact, I just now wet myself while I was typing and I’m sitting here trying to remember if I knew I was going to before it happened. This is getting very close to one of my goals for myself – to wet myself without realizing it’s going to happen.

I just now got through with my daily treadmill waddle. I’m definitely having a problem with keeping my muscles relaxed while walking – especially the faster I walk. I guess I should tell you a little about my relax exercise. There’s not much to it really. I normally lie down and then just try to relax those muscles over and over again. Each time I think I’ve got them as completely relaxed as they can get, I always seem to find another level to relax them to. Over and over again. Deeper and deeper. The trick then is to keep them that way all the rest of the time. I try to remember how that deep relaxation felt, then keep it that way all the time. But I’ve discovered that it’s most difficult while walking. Hence, practicing on the treadmill.

I guess I’m due for an interesting day – well, evening anyway.