Carol of the Silent Night

Hello everybody.  Welcome to our annual Christmas caroling event.  I’m glad to see so many of you came out tonight.  I have no doubt that tonight’s caroling will be better than ever.  And trust me, it better, be better, than ever!

Now in the past, and I’m not going to name any names, we’ve had a few people who decided that they would…change the words to our beloved Christmas carols a bit.  Now understand, I want none of that this year at all!  None!  So to make sure nobody changes the words, I’ve selected a song for us to sing that will be impossible to change the words to.  A song that everybody knows.  The most beautiful and beloved Christmas song of all.  Silent Night.

Now is everybody ready?  Whoever has the pitch pipe, will you please give us all a “G” to start?”

Ding…

Uh…Carol, that was a lovely sounding bell you just rang.  And it’s tuned perfectly to a “G”.  Just lovely my dear.

…

What’s that?  I couldn’t quite understand you.

…

Oh, yes, you’re welcome.  But Carol, would you please try and stand perfectly still, all those bells you’re wearing are making too much noise.  Thank you.

Okay people.  Silent Night.  Are we ready?

Ding…

Yes Carol.  Thank you.  Now here we go people.

Silent night

All bound up tight.

Wait!  Wait!  Stop!  Who did that?  Who sang those words?  Nobody?  I heard someone sing them.  Now please people, this is the most beautiful and beloved Christmas song of all.  Let’s do it right.  For me…please?  Okay.  Once again.  And remember that second line is, Holy night!  Ready? 

Ding…

Yes, thank you Carol.  Here we go.

Silent night.

Holy night.

See how nice that sounds!

All is calm,

Can’t see a sight.

What?  Stop!  Stop!  Who’s doing that?  Who’s trying to change the words to this most beloved carol?  Huh?  Who?  Nobody?  Now the words are, all is calm, all is bright!  Get it right people!  Please!  Geez.  Now once again from the top.

Ding…

Thank you, Carol.  Ready?

Silent night,

Holy night,

All is calm,

All is bright,

Fantastic people.  Keep it up!

Round yon virgin,

Chains wrap around,

Wait!  No!  Stop!

Leather and rubber she’s perfectly bound,

People!  Stop it!

Sleep in unmoving peace,

Locked up and ass full of grease.

Stop!  I said stop!  No more!  Why do I do this?  Why?  Every single year somebody has to go and change the words to our beloved songs.  Carol, is it you?  You were the culprit last time.  Don’t just nod your head dear when you answer, I can’t hear what you’re saying, all those bells.  Last time you were wearing a hundred, this year it looks like you’ve got even more.  Darn.  You’ve even got two attached to your nose.  How did you…

…

“What?  I couldn’t understand you.”

…

They’re attached through your nose piercings.  Of course.  I should have realized.  Tell me Carol, is that sleigh bell shaker still stuck up your ass?

…

“What?” 

…

“I said don’t nod your head dear.  I can’t hear what you’re saying over those bells. 

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Yes, of course the sleigh bell shaker is up your ass again.  That’s your favorite part?  I should have known.  No Carol, don’t!  We don’t need to see it again.  Seeing it last year was more than enough!

…

You’ve got what?  No dear, don’t lift that skirt.  No!   Uh…yes, I see, one hanging from your penis and one hanging from each of your balls.  Please lower your skirt dear, and yes, I didn’t miss that the hem of your skirt is entirely surrounded by bells this year.  You’re so full of bells it’s positively crazy!

…

What?

…

Yes, I know you love them.

…

Um…no, we’re not going to sing Carol of the Bells this year.  And yes, I know it’s your favorite song.  It’s too difficult for us to sing here. 

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What?  Silent night is too difficult for you to sing?  Why?  Uh…I see. You’ve even got a bell attached to your tongue piercing.  No wonder I’m having trouble understanding what you say.  How do you talk at all with that bell in your mouth?

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Practice.  Of course.  I should have known.  Carol, you’ve got to be the most ding-a-ling person I’ve ever met. 

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No, I didn’t mean that as a compliment. 

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What?  You took it as a compliment anyway.  That’s up to you dear.  Just…try not to move so much.  You’re practically covered in bells.  Yes, I see your tongue.  You have bells inside and out. 

…

Yes, your ass too.  I remember.  We know about that dear.  We all know!  I just don’t know why you insist on showing up every year wearing pink high-heels and a pink maids dress covered in bells.

…

What?  Yes, there’s no doubt that when we go from door to door the people can hear you coming.  No, we don’t even need to ring their doorbells.

…

Which you want to do anyway.  Of course.  Okay people, can we get back to our song now?  Now once again from the top, and this time, please…do it right!  Okay? 

Ding…

Yes, thank you Carole.  Here we go, the right way people!

Silent night,

All bound up tight,

No people.  Not again.  Stop it!  Please!

Eyes bound as well,

Can’t see a sight,

Every year!  Why do I put myself through this?

Gagged and plugged and in chastity bound,

Round my body the chains wrap around,

I’d like to chain someone!  No!  I’m not looking for volunteers!

My ass is filled up with grease,

The vibrator there just won’t cease,

I wish this song would cease!

Are you done now?  Finally?  I wish you all wouldn’t look so proud of yourselves.  You’ve ruined another Christmas.  Oh, what the heck.  Merry Christmas anyway.