Hypnotizing Myself

I’m feeling really good today. I feel calm and happy. What a nice thing.

Yesterday I was a bit sluggish at work, probably due to the long trip I just took. I really meant to use the bathroom before I left – especially for a bowel movement, but I got busy and if the urge isn’t really there then it’s not something I’m used to thinking about. I had to make a couple of stops on the way home yesterday, so I was a later than usual getting in – and by the time I did get home I was dying to pee so badly I almost wet my pants coming in the door. But no toilets are available in my house right now. It was a bit of a desperate job to get myself diapered before I could finally pee. And then I kept trying to hold back! Ugh!

I really like it when I pee without even knowing I’m going to. It’s such and interesting and wonderful feeling for me. So last night I spent a good 25 minutes doing my relaxing exercises – really completely for the first time since I began this little adventure. But this time there was a difference. This time it was more like I was hypnotizing myself. I kept telling myself to relax over and over again. And each time I did it, I tried to relax those muscles down there more and more. I told myself that this is something I really want. I don’t want to have any control anymore. I told myself I can’t tighten those muscles anymore. The link to control those muscles is gone. I can’t remember how to tighten those muscles. Relax, relax, relax. Over and over again. I told myself that I don’t want to realize when I have to pee anymore. This is the way I really want it. I don’t want to know I have to pee till it’s already coming out of me. I imagined trying to tighten those muscles and that I no longer even knew how. I couldn’t do it. Relax, relax, relax. I reminded myself how good my diapers feel. How comfortable and so very secure. They feel so really wonderful. I do truly wish I could wear them all the time. I no longer have to worry about when I have to pee, my diapers are always there, so comfortable and secure. I no longer have any control over those muscles. I can no longer tighten them again at all. Relax, relax, relax. Over and over again.

Anyway, I spent a long time doing that last night. I guess it seemed to help a bit. I slept fairly well last night till about 3 am, then I had to get up for a little while to let the dog outside. She has a doggie door, but she’s starting to get more paranoid in her old age and it was easier for me to just take her out. When I went back to bed, I did the relax, relax, relax thing again, only this time I spent more time imagining and trying to remember the feelings that would make me tighten those muscles. Each time I imagined that I could no longer tighten them again, instead I mentally morphed each of those feelings into either further relaxing or actually pushing the pee or poop out.

It was an interesting exercise to say the least. Now here is the odd part for me. Usually when I do my exercises, there is no sexual stimulation at all. This time, for some reason, I kept getting hard, over and over again. I never touched myself, but I did simply enjoy the sensation. Just being able to get hard in my diapers is an accomplishment in itself. They’re so thick and I keep myself pulled back straight down so as to limit any stimulation I might possibly get. I did manage to doze for a bit afterwards though. And I’m up early again, and surprisingly feeling really great. I did notice that after my exercises, while I was dozing, that every time I peed, it was really easy. So much better. Now if I could just sleep completely through it all.

The last time I had any sexual relief was early Friday morning (I think – it may have been Thursday). I’m nice and horny and I really should be dying for an orgasm right now, but instead I’m thinking that I don’t want one at all – for a long time. I’d just like to keep these feelings that I’m enjoying right now.

Mistress Gina has directed that when I leave work, that I have to apply my lipstick, mascara, and a bit of perfume before I drive home. This I will do gladly, but the only part that really worries me is putting the makeup on in the car where someone might see me doing it – especially in the parking lot at work. But I do try to be a good sissy. Mistress Gina is so kind to even think of me at all. So I’ll do my best to follow her directions.