My Funny Farm - Chapter 3 – Ambushed – Part 2 of 3

 

My Funny Farm

By Karen Singer

 

Chapter 3 – Ambushed – Part 2 of 3

 

The air was cool early Saturday morning as I stepped outside before breakfast to survey my kingdom.  The yard looked great.  My barbecue grill was clean and ready to be put to use.  Everything on my patio was clean and ready to enjoy.  Once the nippy September air warmed up a bit, it was going to be a spectacular day.

As I chewed absently on the pacifier nipple in my mouth, I thought about past barbecues I had shared with my son James.  Today, I had no doubt that this was going to be another one to remember.  What I didn’t know though, was that it was going to be the second most miserable day of my life.  The most miserable day of course, was the day that Rachel had died.  But to be fair, this day started out really, really nice!

James and Jennifer showed up early with bags of steaks to put on the grill.  Ashley and Chris showed up shortly after and they both carried in a number of grocery bags.  Emily and Ash immediately began working in the kitchen while James, Chris, and I moved out to the patio where the barbecue was.  I remember laughing with both of them over the fact that at least Emily didn’t wear her red leather outfit that day.

Caitlin and Bill showed up with some drinks, including some beer that Bill carried out to the patio for us.  I got a very nice hug from Caitlin before the two of them spent a little while moving boxes of belongings from their car into one of the open bedrooms upstairs.  I picked up on the fact that they would be arriving permanently next week.

James’ oldest child, Mike, arrived with his wife Nichole.  I got a nice hug from her too while the steaks were making the entire yard smell great.

Through it all, I never had the slightest clue that they were all planning on ambushing me.  In fact, keeping my pacifier in my mouth all the time didn’t even cross my mind.  Maybe I was just getting used to it being there and either talking with it in, or pulling it briefly out to say something.  Either way, nobody mentioned my pacifier at all, and I didn’t even realize it…till later.

The steaks were great, and so was all the rest of the food that the ladies prepared.  It was truly a nice family feast.  And let me tell you, I didn’t miss seeing the three freshly baked pies for dessert still sitting untouched on the kitchen counter for later.  I was looking forward to a piece of one of them too.  What I didn’t know was that I should have ignored my overstuffed stomach, and had a piece of pie right after I had eaten everything else.

It happened right as we were all finished eating and were starting to get up from the table.  The attack began with my own son James as he said, “Dad, come into the living room for a few minutes.  We need to talk.”

That concerned me, but after such a nice day and meal, and everybody being so nice, I didn’t think that much of it.  I headed for my recliner while James and a few others in the family came in and sat in different places around the room.  Everyone being there like that started to worry me and make me nervous.  I immediately pulled the plug from my mouth.  “What’s up?”

James leaned forward from his seat on the couch…as close a seat as he could get to me.  “Dad,” he said.  “We need to talk.”

“About what?” I asked suspiciously.

“We’ve all been pretty much burning up the phone lines all week,” he told me.  “Discussing what to do about you.”

“Huh!” I grunted.  “Easy.  Leave me alone.  Go home and leave me be!”

“No Dad,” James said softly.  “Not gonna happen, and you know it.”

“Unfortunately, I’m getting that picture.  So what’s up?”

He seemed to be having trouble saying whatever it was he was planning on.  Finally, he said, “I guess it’s the accountant in me, but let me itemize some of this for you.”

“Itemize?  Itemize what?”

“First of all,” he said.  “You want to be alone, where more than likely you’re going to try to commit suicide again.”

I couldn’t deny that, but I said.  “Yes, I do want to be alone.  You’re all hounding me too much.  Way too much!”

He ignored my comment and continued.  “Secondly.  Because you continually say you still want to kill yourself, we’re to the point now where we’ll do anything at all to keep you from doing that.”

“It’s my life,” I replied.  “I should have some say in the matter.”

“No.  You don’t!” he told me.  “Thirdly.  You said you want to get rid of all your responsibilities.  Turn them over to everyone else so you don’t have to worry about pretty much anything at all.”

I grunted a bit of a laugh.  “A pipe dream!  And you know it.”

“The fourth thing,” he said.  “You said you’d like to be taken care of completely.  Pretty much in every way.”

“I said that in relation to the responsibilities,” I told him.  “They’re practically one and the same.”

“Maybe,” he agreed.  But the point is, it’s what you’d like.”

“Maybe,” I replied.  “But it’s still nothing but an unrealistic pipe dream.  What of it?”

“What of it?” he said.  “The doctor you’ve been seeing thinks something needs to be done to change your life around.  Something different than what you’re used to every day.”

“Okay,” I replied.  “Maybe.  But I’m not interested in playing golf.”

“No Dad.  That’s not what we had I mind.”

“James.  Out with it.  What are you trying to tell me?”

“Dad.  Emily told us about your conversation with the doctor about how being old is like being a baby?”

“So what?  It’s common knowledge.  Once we get old enough, we’ve all got problems.  You will too someday.”

He ignored what I had just said.  “Well Dad, in light of the things you’ve said that you really want, several times now, we’ve all discussed it, and we’ve decided to see if we can give you the life you really want.”

“The life I want?  The life I want is no life!  I want to be dead!  I want to join your mother in heaven.  To be with her again.  That’s what I want.  But you won’t let me.  None of you will let me.  You’re all…in my way!”

“And we’re going to stay in your way,” he insisted firmly.  “Dad, because of the things you said multiple times now that you want…”

“Like to be dead!” I reminded him.

“No!  Not that one.”

“That’s the only one I’m interested in,” I replied.

He ignored me.  “Because of the things you said you want,” he said again.  “We’ve all discussed it, and we all agreed that from now on, each of us is going to do our best to no longer think of you as the head of this family.”

“Huh!” I grunted.  “You mean I’ve been demoted?  I never asked for the position to begin with.  It’s all yours if you want it.  Besides, you’re the big corporate executive now.”

“Dad, just shut up and listen for a minute,” he said sternly.

I glared angrily at him, but I stuck the pacifier back in my mouth to shut myself up.

“From now on,” James continued.  “We’re all going to do our best to think of you, not as a grown man, but as a baby.”

I was shocked, and surprised.  “A what?” I said without removing the pacifier.

“A baby!  And we’re going to do our best to treat you like a baby in every way that we can think of.”

“You’re what?  What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked suspiciously.

He shrugged.  “To be honest, we’re just going to have to see what that entails.  We can’t think of everything beforehand.  I’m sure a lot of this is just going to have to develop with time.”

“Ha!” I said to all of them as I looked around the room.  “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”

“Dad,” Ashley said.  “With what you’ve done to us, trying to kill yourself and scaring us all to death, we think you deserve it.  Especially since you continually keep saying you want to die.”

“Well I do!  It’s my life!”

“Not any more,” James told me.

“It’s what?  What’s that mean?”

“It means that as of right now, you’re not responsible for anything to do with your life.  We are.  Since I’ve already got all your passwords and financial information, I’ll be taking care of all that for you, and we’re going to make sure that you understand that you’re no longer in charge of yourself.”

I shook my head.  “What’s that mean?  I don’t understand any of this.”

He nodded.  “And maybe that’s a good thing, since babies don’t understand things like that.  Dad, you no longer have to understand any of it.  You no longer have to understand anything at all.”

“Say what?”

He shook his head.  “Ash.  You said you thought you should take care of this first.  Maybe we should just get on with it.”

“Yeah,” Ashley agreed.  “I think you’re right.  It’s time he got a tiny glimpse of his new life.”

“New life?” I asked as I looked around.  “What are you doing?”

“Jared,” Ashley said.  “Emily.  You said you’d handle him.”

“Handle….” I started to say, before I found Jared’s big body standing in front of me.  He grabbed my arm and pulled me roughly out of my recliner and pushed me face down to the floor.  “Hey!” I argued.  “Stop.  What are you doing?”

“Lay down on the floor,” he ordered in a stern voice that was unlike anything I had ever heard him say before.

Laying down on the floor was no problem since he had already pushed me down to the floor, where Emily grabbed both of my arms and pulled them over my head, while Jared grabbed both of my legs and pulled them out straight.

“Stop!” I screamed.

“Ready?” I heard Emily say.

I felt my body being picked up slightly by my stretched arms and legs, then turned over so I was on my back.  “Stop it!” I tried again.

Emily and Jared kept me stretched out on the floor like that while Caitlin moved in and began unfastening my pants.  While she did that, Nichole unbuttoned my shirt.

“What are you doing?” I argued.  “Stop it!”  Sooner than I could believe, I was stripped one hundred percent naked…in front of the entire family.  “What are you doing?”

But that was the point where Ashley showed up on the floor with me.  “Relax Dad.  This is going to happen whether you like it or not.  And it’s something you’re going to have to get very used to, because it’s going to be happening to you a lot…from now on.”

Naked, I was still struggling to get free, but of course, Emily and Jared were a lot stronger than I was.  Not to mention everyone else hovering so close around me.

And then I was shocked again when I felt Ashley squirt something cold all around my genitals, and then start rubbing and spreading it all around, including having them lift my legs so she could spread it over my backside as well.  Whatever she had spread over me, was soon covered with something else…baby powder.  All that got put on me, before the final insult.  My legs were lifted, and she stuffed a disposable diaper under my butt, and then pulled it up firmly between my legs and fastened the thing tightly around my waist.  I felt her hands working with it all around my legs and waist, trying to make her diapering job neater.

When she was done, she leaned over me.  “Dad,” she said.  “You’re wearing a diaper now.  And you’re going to continue to wear them from now on.  All the time!  Whether you like it or not.  You’re wearing that diaper like a baby, and we intend on you using them like a baby for everything.  That means that from now on, you pee in your diapers, and you poop in your diapers.  Don’t even think about trying to use a toilet ever again, because it’s not going to happen.  We’re all considering you to be a baby now, and we intend on treating you like a baby, and making you behave like a baby.  Get used to it!”

In my outraged state, I saw Emily lean over top of her.  “And don’t even think about asking to have your diapers changed,” she added.  “Babies don’t get to ask if their diapers need changing.  That’s another responsibility you won’t have to worry about.  Whether you get changed or not will be up to us.  And just so you know, if you don’t behave the way we want, you’ll be left a lot longer in your dirty diapers.  And I have no doubt that you’re going to get plenty of chances to see what that problem is like in the days ahead.”

“Bill,” Emily said.  “You got the mitts?  I think we better take care of that now.”

“Right here,” Bill replied.  “Caitlin, catch.”

I saw him throw two black somethings to Caitlin who was now kneeling down next to Emily who was still holding my arms stretched over my head.  I couldn’t see what was happening over my head, but I felt somebody bend my fingers over and one of my hands was roughly shoved into one of those black things.  Whatever it was, it seemed to be heavily padded and was so tight and small inside I couldn’t even stretch my fingers out.  I felt it being fastened tightly around my wrist, then they put the other one on my other hand.

“Okay, sit him up,” Ashley told them.

“They finally let go of my arms and legs, and someone pushed me to a sitting position.  Angry and outraged beyond belief, my hand went immediately to the pacifier still between my lips to remove it, only to discover that whatever they had encased my hands in wouldn’t let me grab the thing.   In fact, I couldn’t grab anything anymore.  My hands had been rendered useless.  I pawed desperately at the diaper tapes to pull them open, and I couldn’t grab them either.

I spit that damn pacifier out of my mouth.  “Stop this!” I yelled.  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Giving you everything you want,” Emily told me.

“By turning you into a baby,” Ashley finished.  “Get used to it Dad.  This is going to be your new life…from now on.  Now stick that pacifier back in your mouth and leave it there.”

“No!” I yelled.  “No more!  Let me go.  Get these damn things off me.”

“Nope,” James replied.  “The diapers are permanent now.  And those mitts on your hands will keep you from trying to get them off.”

Caitlin leaned down and shoved my pacifier back in my mouth.  I immediately spit it out again.  “No!” I argued again.  “No more.  Stop this.  Let me go!”

“You keep that pacifier in your mouth!” Caitlin yelled sternly.

“Here!” I heard Jared say as he handed something to Caitlin.  “Try this one.  Em and I figured he would be like this.  This should shut him up for a while.  Let him see what he gets when he needs to be punished.”

I heard Caitlin giggle as she examined whatever it was.  I didn’t want to find out.  Too soon though, she turned around and I got a very brief glimpse of something frightening.  Something with straps attached.  Caitlin grabbed my jaw and squeezed, forcing me to open my mouth.  She shoved something big and long inside it, nearly choking me with it.  Then I felt someone grabbing the straps and pulling them tightly behind my head, bucking them in place.  My mouth was stuffed by something big and fat.  It was so big, I was close to choking to death on the thing, and just swallowing was nearly impossible since my tongue was trapped underneath it.  No matter how I tried, I couldn’t get it out of my mouth.  I shook my head desperately trying to dislodge it, but of course, strapped in place, it wasn’t going anywhere.  My padded hands went to the back of my head to try desperately to get it off, but they did nothing at all.  My hands were simply useless for doing anything now.

I sat there and looked around at all of them, tears starting to form in my eyes.  What had they done to me?  What was I going to do?

“I think he needs just one more thing for now,” Ashley decided.  I noticed she had a cloth something in her hands as she walked around behind me.  I soon felt her tying that something around my neck.  It wasn’t until she backed away that I realized what it was.  A bib.  A baby bib.  I was sitting there in a diaper, sucking on something I didn’t want to identify, even though I suspected what it might be, and I was wearing a baby bib.  What more could they do to me?

And then they all started to get up and move around.  The ladies headed for the kitchen and dining room to begin cleaning up, and the guys headed outside to take care of cleaning the grill.  I was soon left alone on the floor.  Helpless.  It was a while before I climbed to my feet.  I didn’t want to go into the kitchen with the ladies.  I didn’t want to go outside with the guys.  I headed toward my bedroom, only to discover that the door was closed.  I tried opening it with my padded hands, but I couldn’t turn the doorknob.  In defeat, I headed back to my recliner where I sat, brooding over my situation.