Sitting On The Fence

How do I put into words what I’m feeling right now? It’s especially difficult when it’s so hard for me to define them myself. I guess the best I can do is to say that I’m sitting on a fence. On the one side I simply want things to stay as they are – safe and easy and comfortable. But it is the other side of that fence that seems to beckon me more and more. That side holds the desire to intensify these sissy feelings within me and intensify them for whatever time I have left.

I guess there are several contributing factors to these desires. First of all, I’m now just a few days away from being four weeks with no sexual relief and I know this is fueling some of my feelings. Then of course there are the hypnotic recordings that I’ve been listening to at least once a day or more. They’ve been doing nothing but adding to my experience and desires. And finally, there’s the plain old fact that I’m a sissy. And I guess that’s the bottom line right there. I’m a sissy and therefore I have the desires to act like a sissy. The other factors only fan the flames and make the fire grow brighter and brighter.

But the question remains, what should I do about it? Mistress Gina has a new job and can not contact me very often at all. I absolutely love her input and for some reason look upon her words as law. But this time she’s been able to have very little say in my adventure. She was able to pass on this weekend that I should remain in chastity – which I was doing anyway.

But should I do anything different? And if I did, what could I do? I’ve always been fond of setting rules that have to be followed. That’s what got me started in the web in the first place – my old website “My Sissy Rules Fantasy.” In other early adventures, I set some rules for myself that I had to follow, but this time the rules are much less structured. They’re more like things I just do. There’s no set structure to follow and no consequences for not doing them. Like I now wear diapers and pantyhose all the time and I wear high heels all the time in the house. It’s just become something that I do. Not a rule.

But what if I did set some rules for myself. I sat down yesterday and tried to define some. I would love to declare these as absolute rules for myself. If you look closely you can see that they’re really divided into two sections, one for my baby side and one for my feminine side.

1. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, I will wear my diapers all the time – 24/7.
2. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, I will use my diapers as a baby like me should use them. I will no longer even think about using a toilet again.
3. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, I will no longer even think about attempting to hold back in any way when I feel like I have to go. I’m wearing diapers and I have to use them. Where else could I go anyway?
4. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, I will suck on my pacifier all the time whenever I’m at home.
5. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, from now on I will only drink from my baby bottle. I will never use a glass again.
6. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, from now on whenever I eat something that requires utensils, the only utensil I will use is my rubber coated baby spoon – and that’s all.

7. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will only wear girl’s clothes while in the house.
8. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will only wear high heels in the house.
9. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, whenever possible outside of the house, I will wear my girly flats instead of yucky men’s shoes.
10. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will put my makeup on as soon as I get home every day.
11. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will wear pantyhose all the time, 24/7 – even to work.
12. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will keep my toenails polished always.
13. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will polish my fingernails whenever I am going to be at home.

Each of these rules would be wrapped with a further definition, for example: only wearing girls clothes in the house would mean that I would have to dress for work in the laundry room and when I come home again I would have to remove all my male clothes in the laundry room before I could enter the house.

The truth of it though is that so much of this I’m already doing. I’m just not doing them consistently. All the diaper rules are superfluous because I’m already wearing diapers and using them. I haven’t even seen one of my toilets since I can remember. And I guess it’s the hypnotic recordings taking more effect, but I seem to be craving my pacifier more and more. And now I’ve gone and bought myself a baby bottle that I keep looking at longingly. In past adventures, I had rules where had to use these things all the time, but not this adventure. But now these things are beckoning to me. The baby spoon idea was from an adventure long ago. Let me tell you, there’s not much that makes you feel more like a baby than trying to eat oatmeal every day with a baby spoon. No matter what I did, as much of it wound up on my face as in my mouth.

Yes I wear male clothes in the house all the time. I don’t bother to dress in the laundry room, it’s just so much easier and convenient. And I do wear high heels most of the time I’m in the house – I just love wearing them. And my toenails have been polished since I started all this (I did them again last night).

So what would be the point of setting these things down as rules I had to follow? I don’t know except maybe it would somehow add to the intensification. But then if I had to follow the rules, what would be the consequences for not following something. What happens if I fail? To have rules is one thing, but to enforce them is something else. Of course the prospect of that adds to the intensification too.

There are a thousand other rules I could add to these, I just can’t think of them right now. And why should I bother? I’m probably not going to do anything anyway, but it’s so, so tempting.

I apologize for rambling and probably confusing you all. I’m just thinking out loud and trying to decide which side of the fence to get off on.