Thursday, April 23, 2009

The First Fork

We all have these defining moments in our lives when things happen, then later we start to wonder – What if I had done it differently. Or we have purposely made decisions one way, knowing in our hearts that we really wanted to decide otherwise. These are kind of forks in the road of life for us. What if we had taken the other path instead of the one we’re on? Yeah, I wonder about that often. And there are several “forks” in my life that I think about a lot. Today I’d like to share with you one of the very first forks in my road. One that I still think about a lot – even though it happened many, many years ago.

I know many of you have come upon your need for crossdressing (or other) through some kind of major event that triggered it. Others, like me, were born with it. There was never any event. For me, my most vivid earliest memories are of yearning to be a girl. But please understand, I was born in the 1950’s – it was a totally different world then. But I’m not going to go into that here.

My father died when I was eleven years old. My mother had to raise me and my brother (four years younger than I am) on not much more than social security and Veteran’s benefits. But back then, life was still good and though we didn’t have lots of money, we hardly realized it.

My mother had always wanted a girl. Badly! But instead she had two sons. And please keep in mind that I was not only the first born, I was the “golden child.” The oldest boy – make that the oldest child period – in the entire extended family. And yes, I was a super good kid. I didn’t get into trouble (ever). I was very bright and unusually talented in some areas. But back then, desires such as I had were never mentioned. They were kept completely hidden – instinctively! So nobody ever knew of my hidden desires.

My first major fork (as I define it) occurred the year after my father died. And this fork in the road was so defining that it is forever burned into my memory.

Halloween was approaching (remember when I said that my mother had always wanted a girl?). Well… My mother sat my brother and I down in the living room to talk with both of us. And she asked us first, politely, if either of us would like to dress up as a girl for Halloween. Of course we both said no immediately. But my mother didn’t stop there. She began telling us how she would dress us – including a bra with falsies and a pretty dress or skirt. She mentioned everything including a wig and makeup and shoes. There was no doubt about how excited she was about the idea. She was really pleading with us for at least one of us to dress like a girl. And the big idiot that I was – and still am – I still refused, claiming it would be too embarrassing. And naturally, my brother refused too. And yes, it would have been a major embarrassment for me to be seen by my friends that way. And yes, my mother was crushed. But the embarrassment… And… even then I had drilled myself into keeping my desires so hidden that nobody could ever guess.

But I have to admit that even as I was telling my mother no, I was really wanting to say yes very badly. I am still haunted by that decision today. What if I had said yes? Would I have then admitted my true desires to my mother? Would my mother and I have become even closer? Would it have gained me the chance to dress like a girl more often? Of course there’s no way to know. One of the probable results if I ever had told my mother would have been that she would have been crushed in some way and disappointed in me and would have looked for professional mental help for me.

But even now, I often dream about it – wishing. But back then, as I said, desires such as mine were kept hidden. And I was the “golden child.” Of all the boys in the family (all but one of all my cousins were boys too) I was the first and the best. Everyone trusted and looked up to me. There couldn’t possibly be any weakness in me. Nothing in any way could possibly be wrong with me. The entire family was proud of me. I had an image to live up to. And I had to be the man in the family now that my father was gone. And for the most part, I guess I did live up to all their expectations. But doing so has never in the least quenched my thirst for being feminine.

This was the first major fork in the road of my life – as it pertains to the subject here. There have been others that I think about often too. Maybe I’ll relate another one of them next time.

I guess we are who we are on the outside… and we are who we are on the inside. And society dictates which is going to be the defining self – usually the one on the outside. Over the years, I’ve watched things change – very slowly to be sure, but there is still change and broader acceptance. Now, at my age, not just my family, but the entire world has this image of me that they expect me to live up to. The world expects me to be a man. So I am a man – on the outside. But my inner self is still yearning to look pretty once in a while and to express a bit of the girl that is inside me.

So please, for me, think something girlish and fun today – something that makes you feel good inside – and smile about it.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Problems, Problems, Problems

I’m home again and my wife has been going back and forth between regretting her decision to come home and being glad she came home. At this point I’m backing her decision to be home more than ever.

This is not even half of what’s going on, but it will give you at least some sort of explanation on why my adventure ended so suddenly.

Picture three locations. Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas. Each location is about a ten to twelve hour drive from each other, which puts Louisiana very close to the center of all the action.

At the center of it all, in Louisiana, my wife’s niece has been desperately ill for years. The doctors have performed surgery after surgery and not much has helped her. She is in indescribable pain 24 hours a day, every day. The doctors have flat out stated that all the major drugs she’s been on have been the only thing keeping her alive for years now. But she won’t get out of bed, or do anything except make everyone else miserable. She also has two young boys that need caring for.

Also at this center point are my wife’s parents. Both are well into their eighties. They have done most of the job of raising the two boys I just talked about. But… my wife’s father is now getting very senile. There are times he gets so confused he doesn’t know what’s going on, and sometimes he gets belligerent. My wife’s mother is doing much better, but it’s easy to tell that she can no longer do nearly as much and she gets so angry and downright frustrated constantly. She has good reason, my wife’s father can not be left alone at any time so she has to be with him all the time.

As attempt is being made this week to “dry-out” my wife’s niece from some of the drugs she’s been on and it’s not going well. My wife was asked to come to help take care of the boys. But…

Ok, let’s look at location number two which is Texas. This is where the niece’s mother lives – my wife’s sister. Yes, normally she would be heading to Louisiana to help out but she suddenly got gravely ill and the first two blood tests came back very bad news. The doctors are still working on what’s wrong with her, but words such as leukemia keep popping up – or worse.

So anyway, things in Louisiana were going ok, we thought , till the niece decided she wouldn’t stay in the facility any more. We were all under the impression that her husband would be bringing her home again. So…

Oh, I didn’t give you the last part of the equation, here in Georgia where I live. Also in Georgia are my wife’s two kids (all grown with families). Our son’s wife’s father was diagnosed this past week with prostrate cancer. Two days later they had found out that it has spread. That is the son that I have been supporting for the last billion years (and dollars). They have a huge family (4 kids – one of which is now pregnant). The son works like a demon to support them, but it’s just too much for him. Anyway, they need my wife’s help too to take care of the kids during school break so that their mother can be with her father during his cancer tests and treatment.

We thought things were done in Louisiana, but they’re not. The niece stayed in the institution to continue drying out and the result is that everyone is now heavily blaming my wife and making her feel guilty. But… all is not what it seems either.

To make a long story short, my wife is needed everywhere – but only just a little bit. None of it is all that desperate. And everyone’s anger level has been turned way, way up lately. So I think it’s better if she’s home for a little bit.

Sorry for the confused description. There’s a lot going on – far more than I’ve mentioned here. But I’m hopeful for more adventuring in the future.


Friday, April 3, 2009

Another Adventure Ends

Yeah, I'm not real happy about it, but all good things have to come to an end sometime. I'm just grateful for the time I had to play a bit. Thank you to all who wandered through it with me.

Love someone a bit extra today,