Thursday, July 31, 2008

Looking Ahead

I guess it’s mostly been a fairly easy and relaxing week for me. I haven’t really gone anywhere or done anything that would really make me uncomfortable. The question for me now is, will this all be done with Friday night, or will it continue. I’ve spoken with my wife every night and we still have no real idea and probably won’t until Friday. I’m betting that this will all be over with and I’ll be driving out to pick her up again on Saturday.

But if it isn’t over… I’m definitely going to be making a few changes. For one thing, I’m going to once again define a set of rules for myself. I guess the only rules for me this time has been diapers whenever I’m not at work and Mistress Gina has instructed that I wear two pairs of pantyhose 24/7. But locking up all my toilets has made the diaper one obvious and all I can say about the pantyhose is that they feel absolutely wonderful on my legs. I’m beginning to wonder what it feels like to not wear them now.

Mistress Gina has unfortunately been unable to participate in my little adventure very much this week, which is fine. I’m just grateful for any input she may send. The result is that I really have had a fairly easy and relaxing week.

But what other rules could I add for myself. I guess the old standby ones of no pants or male shoes allowed in the house. Every step I take must be in high heels. Actually, for the most part, I’ve already done that. But I’d like to kick things up a tiny bit and make life a bit more interesting too. I know that if I continue, I’ll be doing a bit of shopping, exactly for what, I’m not at all sure. But I do know it will be only for feminine things.

Dollyanne wrote a comment in my blog (thank you dollyanne) asking about my chastity device – which I haven’t used at all this week. Maybe I’ll do that too. But as to pictures… well, Dollyanne, you’ll have to email me and we’ll discuss that privately.

I can report that I did my mental relaxing exercises last night before I went to bed again. I’m convinced they really help. Last night I noticed that I’m hardly paying attention anymore to whenever I have to pee while I’m sleeping. Since I’m keeping those muscles so relaxed all the time, not much pee builds up and I pee in little bits – a lot. Which I like. I also noticed that it’s mattering less and less to me now when I realize I’m peeing – in or out of bed. Progress! If this adventure continues, I think my shopping trip will be a long one, and it goes without saying that I’ll be in diapers. I never wear less than two at a time and three to bed, but should I wear three when I go out? I don’t want to be overly obvious. I may set some goals for myself of how many times I have to wet myself while around other people before I can go home.

All this is just mental exercises and I guess I’ll be doing a lot of thinking about ideas for if I can continue. But I’m still betting this will be over.

I took the container of ice with my toilet keys in it out of the freezer last night before I went to bed. It’s still just as solid now about eight hours later than when I took it out. I’m going to put it outside to melt in the heat all day. I can’t believe how solid that thing is. There’s no doubt it would have severely slowed down any ideas I may have had about unlocking my toilets. I just hope it’s thawed out by tonight.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

No Choice!

Yesterday was one of those days when, if I were able to, I might not have followed thorough and wore diapers when I got home – which means that I might have broken what I set out to do. Not that I really would have. During past adventure sessions, I’ve been tempted, but I’ve persevered.

But yesterday was another one of those days when I had a lot to do and a lot on my mind. However, with all the toilets still firmly chained shut, there was no choice for me at all. I am forced to get into diapers as soon as I walk through the door… and stay in them. No choice! No choice! No choice!!!

It’s a very odd feeling to have that bit of choice – or control – taken completely away from you. You can’t say, “Oh I really don’t feel like playing tonight. No one will ever know.” There is no option to not play. As Mistress Gina says, I am now a slave to my diapers. No choice!

As per Mistress Gina’s instructions, I have to put on my lipstick and mascara in the car before I go home. My big problem there is that I’m afraid someone will see me doing it, and yesterday was certainly no different. I’m afraid I “delayed” leaving work for a few minutes in the hopes that everyone else would be gone. But if I delay too long, then they close the parking lot gates and it’s a pain to walk around and open them again before I can drive out (of course I’d have to close them again afterwards too). My car was easily hot enough to bake a cake. Even turning on the AC takes quite a while to cool things off, so I did what I normally do, I rolled down the window as soon as I got in – which would make it all that much easier for anybody to see me. Fortunately, I purposely parked behind one of our small data buildings where fewer people park. By the time I got there, mine was the last car. Believe me, I looked around carefully to see if I could see anyone else, then I lowered my sun visor and raised the cover on the mirror so I could see myself (very handy those make-up mirrors). I did my mascara first – quickly and just the top lashes – I still can never do the bottom ones right. Then after looking around again, I did the lipstick – the pale shimmery one (less noticeable). Then I got out of there, just as they were in the process of closing the gate. The guy closing it waved at me, and the way he did it, I’m sure he didn’t notice anything. Why would he?

I had a lot to do at home outside yesterday. So after diapering and back into my two pairs of pantyhose (I wear them 24 hours a day now). I went outside to work. Oh man was it hot out there! One of my tasks was to kill a bee’s nest (again) that was reforming itself in the peek just over our front door. But the peek is at least 25 feet up. Which means I had to get out the 10 foot step ladder and set it up right on our front walk, then climb it before I could spray the nest. Let me tell you, I was more than a bit worried about someone noticing the extra bulk beneath the seat of my jeans. Climbing the ladder on my front walk was like showing off that I was in diapers to the whole world. But what could I do about it? As I’ve said, as to diapers – no choice.

With all the heat, the two pairs of pantyhose I was wearing didn’t really bother me that I noticed. But when I came inside and removed my jeans – wow, what a relief! I spent the rest of the evening wearing just diapers, two pairs of pantyhose, a t-shirt, and my heels. It felt great!

I didn’t re-do my mental relaxing exercises till late in the evening. I should have done them much earlier. I’m very convinced that the exercises really help me pee easier. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that hard otherwise, but after “conditioning” myself it’s a lot more “automatic.”

I got word yesterday that I’m going to have to have a meeting at my home late Friday afternoon. Which means that the toilets will all have to be unlocked before then. So my plan is to put that huge block of ice with the keys in it outside when I go to work on Thurday to let the sun do the melting. But I don’t plan on unlocking the toilets till Friday morning before I go to work.

If my wife stays another week, then I’ll relock all the toilets as soon as my company leaves on Friday. Otherwise, that will be the end of it – for now. Can you tell that I’m hoping she stays away a while longer? Not that I don’t love and miss my wife – I really do, but I love playing!!!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Hypnotizing Myself

I’m feeling really good today. I feel calm and happy. What a nice thing.

Yesterday I was a bit sluggish at work, probably due to the long trip I just took. I really meant to use the bathroom before I left – especially for a bowel movement, but I got busy and if the urge isn’t really there then it’s not something I’m used to thinking about. I had to make a couple of stops on the way home yesterday, so I was a later than usual getting in – and by the time I did get home I was dying to pee so badly I almost wet my pants coming in the door. But no toilets are available in my house right now. It was a bit of a desperate job to get myself diapered before I could finally pee. And then I kept trying to hold back! Ugh!

I really like it when I pee without even knowing I’m going to. It’s such and interesting and wonderful feeling for me. So last night I spent a good 25 minutes doing my relaxing exercises – really completely for the first time since I began this little adventure. But this time there was a difference. This time it was more like I was hypnotizing myself. I kept telling myself to relax over and over again. And each time I did it, I tried to relax those muscles down there more and more. I told myself that this is something I really want. I don’t want to have any control anymore. I told myself I can’t tighten those muscles anymore. The link to control those muscles is gone. I can’t remember how to tighten those muscles. Relax, relax, relax. Over and over again. I told myself that I don’t want to realize when I have to pee anymore. This is the way I really want it. I don’t want to know I have to pee till it’s already coming out of me. I imagined trying to tighten those muscles and that I no longer even knew how. I couldn’t do it. Relax, relax, relax. I reminded myself how good my diapers feel. How comfortable and so very secure. They feel so really wonderful. I do truly wish I could wear them all the time. I no longer have to worry about when I have to pee, my diapers are always there, so comfortable and secure. I no longer have any control over those muscles. I can no longer tighten them again at all. Relax, relax, relax. Over and over again.

Anyway, I spent a long time doing that last night. I guess it seemed to help a bit. I slept fairly well last night till about 3 am, then I had to get up for a little while to let the dog outside. She has a doggie door, but she’s starting to get more paranoid in her old age and it was easier for me to just take her out. When I went back to bed, I did the relax, relax, relax thing again, only this time I spent more time imagining and trying to remember the feelings that would make me tighten those muscles. Each time I imagined that I could no longer tighten them again, instead I mentally morphed each of those feelings into either further relaxing or actually pushing the pee or poop out.

It was an interesting exercise to say the least. Now here is the odd part for me. Usually when I do my exercises, there is no sexual stimulation at all. This time, for some reason, I kept getting hard, over and over again. I never touched myself, but I did simply enjoy the sensation. Just being able to get hard in my diapers is an accomplishment in itself. They’re so thick and I keep myself pulled back straight down so as to limit any stimulation I might possibly get. I did manage to doze for a bit afterwards though. And I’m up early again, and surprisingly feeling really great. I did notice that after my exercises, while I was dozing, that every time I peed, it was really easy. So much better. Now if I could just sleep completely through it all.

The last time I had any sexual relief was early Friday morning (I think – it may have been Thursday). I’m nice and horny and I really should be dying for an orgasm right now, but instead I’m thinking that I don’t want one at all – for a long time. I’d just like to keep these feelings that I’m enjoying right now.

Mistress Gina has directed that when I leave work, that I have to apply my lipstick, mascara, and a bit of perfume before I drive home. This I will do gladly, but the only part that really worries me is putting the makeup on in the car where someone might see me doing it – especially in the parking lot at work. But I do try to be a good sissy. Mistress Gina is so kind to even think of me at all. So I’ll do my best to follow her directions.

Monday, July 28, 2008


I know I was supposed to be playing with my little chastity device all last week, but life got in the way (our house was infested with teenage grandkids and some of their friends).

I was going to do it this week, but instead, I’m sitting here wearing three very wet diapers, two pairs of pantyhose, my bra, a dress, and high heels. I’m adventuring again! This adventure (like most) came about with no notice. I’m not sure if it will last just this week, or two weeks, or three. It all depends on how long my wife has to be gone.

I drove my wife out to stay with her parents on Saturday, then drove back Sunday by myself. On the way back, I had this idea. I stopped at a Wal-Mart along the way and bought two shades of lipstick. One of them was a light sparkly pink that’s supposed to help make your lips look fuller (it tingles when I put it on). The other lipstick was supposed to be a more subtle shade that I hoped would more match my own lip color – wow was I wrong. My idea was to put the lipstick on in the car, then later stop to get gas while still wearing it. First of all, let me tell you, the darker lipstick looked nice and calm and almost like what I thought my own lip color was. WRONG! As soon as I put it on, it screamed pink, pink, lipstick! But I wore it anyway. An hour and a half later, I stopped and got gas – while still wearing it. Fortunately, there weren’t too many people around and nobody next to me where I was pumping my gas. I did freshen it a bit more after that for the rest of the drive home though.

Anyway, Mistress Gina has kindly agreed to “guide” me once again, but she can only do it in a very limited capacity, which is probably better and easier for me – considering work.

My big difference this time was my idea and Mistress Gina agreed I should do it. I have three toilets in my house. Right now, every one of them is chained and locked shut so they are all totally unusable. The keys to the locks are solidly frozen in a very large container of water in my freezer. I looked at that container this morning and believe me, it’s not going to be easy to get them out of there. Before, I wore my diapers all the time while not at work, and didn’t use the toilets by choice. Ok, I had a choice this time too, but I’ve now removed that choice. There is absolutely no way that I can use any of them now. I’m stuck wearing and using my diapers totally while at home.

Yesterday, I wasn’t bothering to try to keep myself relaxed and to use my diapers wherever and whenever. The result was that I kept fighting with myself to hold back all the time. It got to be very difficult. So now I’m trying once again to keep all my muscles relaxed and to not have any control over myself at all. I’m having more of a problem with it this time than last time, but it will get better. It’s already better than it was last night. Besides, what’s the use of trying to hold back, with all my toilets locked up, where else am I going to go?

Saturday, July 19, 2008

I'm Considering...

I’m considering a tiny bit of chastity play. I was supposed to be going on a business trip where I had planned to enjoy myself just a bit, but the trip has been postponed – probably for quite a while. But I’m really getting desperate for a bit of interest, not to mention fun, in my life. So this is a tiny thing that I think I can actually do while I’m home – without my wife noticing.

During my last little adventure where I begun this blog, Mistress Gina had me using a little chastity device made from a bit of nylon knee-hi that I modified with a cable tie to keep in place. To say the least, the device worked fairly well and had some interesting consequences.

But my overly imaginative brain has been thinking lately. What if I modified the design just a bit further and made the nylon much tighter so my little “errant” member was held much tighter. I’ve pretty much figured out (in my mind) how to construct it so I can do it quickly.

So here’s what I’m thinking of doing. I’m going to make my little device. Then, starting Monday, I’ll put it on early in the morning when I get up (my wife sleeps late) and I won’t take it off again till sometime after I get home (I’ll have to judge how things are by the situation in the house every night).

I know from prior experience, that peeing standing up will be completely out of the question. And any time I even start to get hard will be painful and very uncomfortable. It’s not much, just a little bit of play compared to what most of you reading this are able to do, but it’s certainly better than nothing – and hopefully, for me, it will be a bit of fun as well.

Can I actually do this? Can I make it the whole week? It sounds easy enough, but I’ve also got to work it secretly into my life. I’ll have to keep you posted.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Mystifying Moods

Does this happen to anyone else? I’m sure it probably does.

I just recently went through a bout that lasted two or three days where I simply wasn’t nearly as interested in “anything” sissy or feminine at all. This happens to me roughly about once a month or so. Please don’t get me wrong. I believe that given the chance during one of these episodes that I would still run as fast as I could to wear something pretty. But overall, it’s like the desire… or perhaps I should say the drive… seems to reverse itself. I actually feel more like a “man” during these times than at any other time.

I’ve heard that there is something called a “male period” but I have no idea if this is in any way related to that. My desires start to dwindle for a day or so, then for the next few days I’m far more interested in masculine things. My attitudes are also far more of what I would call masculine. Then, like it started, the process seems to reverse itself and gradually the desire for more feminine and sissy things returns. Only after one of these periods the desires are far stronger than usual for a few days.

I’ve never tried to document these cycles and wouldn’t know where to start to even try. And I actually have mixed feelings about it all. On the one hand during the cycles, I feel great, but at the same time I recognize that I’m not feeling what is normal for me. And I’m actually very glad when they’re over and the old feelings and desires return.

I once thought that it had something to do with the phases of the moon, but I doubt that that could be true. So it’s more likely that it’s just some part of my normal body cycles – hence the idea of it being part of my male period. But as I said before, I have no idea.

However, right now, I’m in full-blown agony over wanting to play and wear something pretty along with anything else I can do. You have no idea how often I dream of another play adventure!