Friday, August 29, 2008

Sometimes I Do Stupid Things

This adventure has been wonderfully long. Longer than any of my other adventures by far. And yet I want it to go on forever! The longer I’ve been able to be a sissy, the more I want it – and want it badly! Maybe that’s why I keep thinking of stupid things to do. Things I wouldn’t normally even think about doing. Like last week when I went to MacDonalds. That was stupid – but exciting. I still can’t believe I did that in that so obviously feminine top and makeup. Of course they couldn’t see my heels or my jeans as I sat there in the car.

But yesterday on the way home from work, the urge to bring out more of my sissy side was hitting me really hard again. The only problem is that I really needed to cut my lawn since all the rain we’ve had lately has made it really look bad. Soooo… a few ideas slammed their way into my brain – and stuck there.

I have about two acres of grass that needs to be cut. I live in a very nice development where our front yards are fairly small, but our backyards are humongous. With all that grass to cut I use a riding lawn mower to take care of it – a fairly nice John Deere; not very fast, but it gets the job done - eventually. Oh yeah, my entire back yard is surrounded by a six-foot wooden fence. Yes, the neighbors can sort of see through the cracks in it, and since we all have two story houses, it’s very easy to see what’s going on in everyone’s backyard.

Ok, back to the story. As soon as I got home from work last night, I got myself back into diapers again (whew – I couldn’t wait again). I had a quick dinner and talked briefly to my wife. Oh yeah, as soon as I finished diapering myself I also did my fingernails again (remember how long they are?). Pantyhose over the diapers, my male jeans, and a t-shirt. I wanted so badly to put my girly flats on too for cutting the front lawn. I actually started to do it, but I thought better of the idea (good thing).

My overly long fingernails glistening, I went out to the garage door and opened it so I could get my lawn mower out. I really didn’t think the color of my nail polish was all that noticeable – till the sunlight hit it. Suddenly it was an entirely different color and it looked like something you could see a mile away. Funny how different light does that. But I plucked up my courage, got on my lawn mower, and drove out of the garage.

How wonderful it was. None of my neighbors were out. I just worried they might notice my nail polish if they saw me through their windows. I had the front yard all to myself – thankfully – but only for about five minutes! Then my neighbor across the street decided to come out and work with his weed eater in his front yard. I was inwardly panicking more than just a bit.

But a few minutes later, things got much, much worse… You see, I have these other neighbors that live right next to me. A whole houseful of people live there (a lot). They’re all wonderful, friendly people. But… well, they have this habit of practically “living” out in their garage – they just like to all sit there together as if it’s a front porch (they have one but they never use it). Six of them. Two ladies and two guys. All sitting talking. And my yard – where I have to work at cutting the grass comes up to probably less than twenty feet from them. Yikes! I was so tempted to go back into the house to take my nail polish off. But like I said, sometimes I do stupid things.

I continued to cut my lawn like there was nothing wrong at all. I didn’t notice them particularly paying any attention to me (thankfully). Then my neighbor across the street decided to start waving while he was working (just saying hi). I held on tight to my steering wheel and nodded my head towards him. I’m sure he knows it’s more important to hold tightly to that wheel than to wave my hands in the air. Unfortunately, that’s when I noticed his wife had also joined him in his front yard, and she waved too. Such nice people.

Did anybody notice? That’s all I could think about as I continued to cut my front yard. Maybe if my nails weren’t so long they wouldn’t be so noticeable. But the fact is they were (and still are). The bright pink color on them was terribly obvious to me. Please, don’t let anybody look too closely. Just let them see what they want to see – a guy on a lawn mower. My biggest worry was the women. I know for a fact that they notice so much more!

Anyway, I did finish my front lawn just like that. It took a little over half an hour to do it and it was nerve wracking all the way. But then I opened my gate and drove into the back yard – and went into the house to change.

To cut my back yard, I not only wore nail polish, but my highest heels and lipstick too. Remember, the neighbors can still see my entire back yard and what goes on in it from their second story windows.

I spent the next two hours like that cutting grass till it got too dark to finish. Did anybody notice – I don’t know. How could they miss my nail polish while I was out front? I didn’t see any of them giving me strange looks though. But that doesn’t always mean anything.

I know I shouldn’t have done what I did, but I’m just so desperate to express my sissy side I guess – especially in light of my adventure coming to an end now. I’ll probably be leaving in the middle of the night to go pick up my wife. I’ll only have tonight to dress for a bit for the last time. Then everything will have to be packed away and hidden.

I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to write anything tomorrow morning before I leave or not. I’ll try. I do know I’ll write as soon as I get home again. I’m very much looking forward to seeing my wife again, but at the same time I’m dreading giving up my sissy existence.

The world is full of “if-onlys” and realities. And somewhere we have to find the compromise in the middle.

Be happy.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Starting To Detox

OoooKaaaay… Yesterday I went to work for the first time without my diapers. And it went very well – mostly. I didn’t even pack my diaper bag in the car – although I probably should have. I’ve been “controlling” myself every day at work since I started wearing them to work. But the question is, how do you control yourself if you don’t know you’re wetting – or in my case, dripping? There were three or four times yesterday morning that I suddenly felt a tiny bit of wetness on my leg. Fortunately, each time it was just a drop or two (I think). I wound up putting some toilet paper in my underwear just in case. But fortunately by mid morning everything seemed to be back to normal again and I didn’t have any more problems. I even chanced a cup of coffee late in the afternoon and that was really nice. I guess in retrospect, I could have worn my plastic panties over my underwear, but I think just going full out without anything was for the best. My bigger worry right now is today. Oh, and I can’t begin to tell you how weird it felt to stand in front of the toilet and try to pee. I knew I had to, but it was like learning how all over again while my body tried to remember what it was supposed to do.

As soon as I got home yesterday I absolutely couldn’t wait to get back into my diapers. And what a relief as soon as I did. As I was putting them on I could feel my body relaxing again – once more going into “diaper mode.” And there was no doubt about how incontinent I was again. A little while later I was eating dinner and watching TV when I realized that I had just FINISHED wetting myself. And it’s been pretty much like that all evening and night long. It’s like my body is fighting back and I have even less control than ever before. And I’m loving it! I’m dreading having to remove my diaper for work again today, and already looking forward to getting back into them when I get home.

Last night I wore my three inch heels to bed. And I slept comfortably in them all night long. As many times as I’ve tried to do that with my other heels, I absolutely couldn’t. But I wear these shoes more than any others by far. I even use them as my house slippers. Oh how I’m going to miss wearing my pretty heels next week.

Yesterday, I decided to go around and give all the toilets in the house a quick “once-over” before my wife comes home. And it’s a very good thing I did. I haven’t hardly even looked at any of them in I don’t know how long. I don’t know that I was consciously avoiding them, but the truth is that I just wasn’t interested in going near them. But the water level in all three toilets in my house had gone way, way down. The powder room off the living room was way down too, but not nearly as bad as the others since it got used when my daughter visited a few weeks ago. If my wife had seen the condition of all the toilets she would have really wondered what had been going on.

Well, tonight I have to spend three or four hours cutting grass when I get home – if it doesn’t rain. But at least I can do that in diapers. I think I’ll wear my girly flats – or maybe even my heels while I do the back yard.

And right now I’m trying to decide if it would be a good thing to bring a change of underwear and pants to work today.

Tell someone you love them today.

Monday, August 25, 2008

What A Nice Weekend

I think I’m starting to really like rainy weather. Because when it rains, there are so many less jobs that I have to do where I have to get back into “male” mode again. It has been raining here all weekend and the weather man has forecasted a heavy chance of rain for the next ten days. My grass is really going to need cutting… and I don’t care!

What a wonderful weekend it has been. I’ve been in “girl” mode all the time – except for one short period where I had to go to the store yesterday morning, but even then I found myself some pretty new nail polish and a matching lipstick that I got to enjoy for the rest of the day. As I decided yesterday, I did spend the “rest” of the day in my new grey dress, and I was absolutely completely comfortable in it all day. I just felt like “me!”

When I did my nails yesterday, I’m afraid I may have tapered them just a bit too much this time. They were already really long – far too long for a man’s hands – but now I’m worried even more that I should really cut them before I got to work. It’s so strange how much I don’t want to do that. I guess all this time I’ve spent in girly mode over the last month has made some mental changes in me. I do long so much to be even a tiny bit pretty and feminine – if only it’s just a small part of me.

Well, as I had planned, last night I had my first orgasm since this all began back sometime in July. And afterwards I thought more than once, “Why did I bother?” Yes, it felt really good, but it wasn’t a mind-blowing orgasm. Yes, I tried my best to prolong the situation – which helped a lot, but it was still over too quickly. After all this time, you’d think I would feel more of a sense of release – or at least a sense of accomplishment. But the truth is it was just very nice and good, not great in any way. I never even got fully hard. But I “came” and I guess I needed it, but the jury is still out on that one.

It’s looking more and more like I’ll be going to get my wife next weekend, so this will be my last week – probably. The way things have gone we never really know and the possibility is very real that this will get extended again. My plan is to take myself out of diapers starting on Wednesday so I can have plenty of time to regain what I have lost (I hope it will be plenty of time). In the meantime, I’m just reluctant to even take them off. Even after my orgasm last night, my first thought was to get the diapers back on so I don’t pee all over everything.

Well, I’m running a few minutes behind this morning and I have to get ready for work soon – and I have to remove my pretty nail polish. I was almost late for work one day last week because I almost forgot completely. I find I’m having to watch myself more and more about these things everyday. One day I almost got out of the car in my heels.

Can I please be a girl now?

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Subtle Differences

I’m guessing that a lot of what I’ll probably write about today will be of no interest to most of you, but it’s important to me, so for my own sanity, I’m going to be trying to write about it.

But first of all I need to tell you that I got an unexpected phone call late last night from my wife. She has been gone since the end of July to help out with her father who has had some clogged arteries – along with some other issues. We thought she would only be gone for a week or two but it has turned into a month now. It was finally looking like next weekend I would be driving out to pick her up and finally bring her home again. But last night things took a quick turn for the worse. She said she was really calling just to update me and to warn me that she would probably not be coming home any time soon. But I know her better than that. She called me because she’s so worried. I don’t blame her. I only wish I were there right now to hold her and support her better. But at least the phone is better than nothing. I don’t know when she’ll be coming home now – maybe it will be next weekend. I have three days off next weekend so no matter what, I’ll probably be driving out to see her. Maybe she’ll be coming home, but probably not.

So the end result of this is that aside from a quick trip next weekend to see my wife, I’ll probably be staying in diapers and dresses for a while longer. And I’m beginning to have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand I do miss my wife. But on the other hand I have so much enjoyed doing what I’m doing that I never want it to stop. I really, really love acting like I’m totally incontinent and have made some very real progress in those lines. But on the other hand this has gone on so long that it truly has become very real progress – and that’s a sobering thought.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking slightly lately about some of the changes in me that I’ve noticed over the last month. Ok, I admit it, and I’ve said it elsewhere before. I’ve always wanted to be a girl and the end result is that I’m really more comfortable in girl’s clothes than when I have to be a man. Long, long ago I stopped being sexually excited by wearing them and instead just longed even more to be truly female. All the dressing I’ve been able to do in the last month has only made this even more so. And suddenly I find myself obsessing about the fact that my lipstick doesn’t match the color of my nails or the only tops I have aren’t really what I want.

And my fingernails – I shouldn’t even get started on that one. I’m positively angry over that fact that I broke one of them last week and it’s not as long and pretty as the other ones are. Which by the way are now becoming more and more like those glue-on nails I wore a while back. I find myself having to use them to press any buttons. I keep accidently hitting the wrong keys on the keyboard. And more and more I love painting them to make them look even more feminine. Even when I’m not wearing nail polish they look a lot like I have a French manicure. And yes I have “shaped” them a tiny bit two or three times now to make them look prettier. I know I’m going to have to cut them next week and I’m absolutely sick over it.

The more I get to wear my pretty clothes, the more it seems I don’t want to have to wear anything masculine. I keep wanting desperately to be able to go out to the store in just my comfortable girly jeans and heels and a pretty top, or perhaps my nice skirt instead of the jeans. They’re really just everyday girl clothes, nothing fancy. But I love wearing them. It would be so easy for me to go shopping dressed like that. But unfortunately, I can’t. And even all dressed up and my makeup done as well as I can, I still don’t look the least bit passable. Drat!

Then there’s the other side of me. My baby side. And I love this side too. I think that this is the side that probably fuels most of my sexual feelings and desires. There is a lot of need for me to feel a tiny bit humiliated too and somehow everything in me is all tied together in one complicated knot.

For the first time in my life I’ve actually (for real) been wearing diapers 24/7. The only time I use a toilet is when I’m at work and have to avoid messing myself. When I’m home, I am totally incontinent. And I work at it. A few weeks ago I even purchased a set of hypnotic recordings to help me with it. And I have no doubts at all that I’m very different than I was a month ago.

But before I go further, let me go back and say that I still retain full control while I’m at work. This is probably because I do it every day. Yes, I still don’t drink hardly anything all day long to keep my peeing down to a minimum. But even there I’ve noticed that I’m having a harder and harder time holding back for very long. It’s like my muscles have weakened a bit and once the urge builds up enough, I start to leak a bit. Fortunately this also relieves the pressure that I’m fighting against – usually.

But as soon as work is over, I immediately go back to what has become my incontinent mode – where I have no control at all over anything. I try to listen to my hypnotic recordings to reinforce this at least once a day. This weekend I plan to listen to them at least twice a day. The result is that it’s like I truly can’t control that part of me at all.

More and more often now, I wet myself without even realizing I even needed to pee. I only know about it because it’s coming out of me. And mostly now I completely ignore the fact that I’m peeing. I do it so often that it doesn’t even matter. It hardly even registers on my brain. Yes, sometimes I do feel the pressure build and I know I’m going to pee, but I really don’t know when it’s going to come out. And to tell the truth, my mind usually goes back to what it was thinking about before I realized the pressure was there and it comes as a surprise once again to find that I’m wetting myself.

I know the tapes have never really hypnotized me. But that hasn’t stopped them from having an affect on me. The more I listen to them, the less control I seem to have. So often I no longer even know how to contact those muscles in my body anymore – not that I even want to. And just like the tapes say, the more I wear diapers and wet my diapers, the more I’ll love it. And that seems to be so true.

Unbelievably, the best part for me now is when I’m sleeping. So many times when I’ve played in the past I’ve yearned to be able to just wet myself when I’m sleeping. I’ve always woken up and had to wait till it was over and then try to go back to sleep again – usually without success – and then the urge to pee would hit me again and I’d be starting all over again. Even when I’m not “playing” and in total male mode, I have a slight prostrate problem that makes me get up two or three times a night and I hate it. But now… I wet all the time without knowing I’m going to do it. The result is that I’m actually getting more sleep. And I love it!!! I guess I am still realizing it in the back of my mind every time I wet myself though. I’m not quite sleeping through it completely, but it’s so much in the background that I’m barely even aware of it anymore and I hardly give it a second thought. I don’t think I’m wetting myself without knowing it at all, but I have woken up in the middle of the night thinking that my diaper seemed to be very wet, but I couldn’t remember wetting.

These and a thousand other little subtle differences have been on my mind. And I love every one of them.

I’m still looking forward to my first orgasm tomorrow night – and I still don’t have a clue how I’m going to go about doing it. Dani suggested using a pair of silky panties which sounds nice. But I don’t have any panties at all. I have diapers instead.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Considering Something

Yesterday was really just another day - made better of course by the fact that I wear diapers all the time and was able to be nice and femmy all night. Other than that, I didn’t really “do” much of anything except to enjoy being pretty in my skirt and blouse.

I had a strange dream last night. I had bought a large baby doll and I loved taking care of it and changing its diapers and feeding it its bottle. I carried it everywhere just like a real baby. I even strapped it into the back seat of the car whenever I went out and basically treated it like a real baby all the time. Except that I’m the one in diapers and I’m the one who’s acting more and more like a baby. Is that some of my maternal instincts creeping through after being en-fem for so long? Or is it a more childish little girl side of me trying to make itself known? Who knows, it was just an odd dream – but interesting to me.

Ok, I’ve been in chastity now for so long I don’t even know how many weeks it has been let alone days. And I’m afraid to count them – not that it would really matter anyway. For the last few days I’ve been trying desperately to poke myself through my diapers or to try to hump the bed – all in an effort to at least get hard and some more pleasure. I’m getting plenty of pleasure from trying all right, but plenty of frustration too. When I diaper myself, my “little thingy” gets pulled straight back and is held there by plenty of diaper material, plastic panties, and pantyhose. No matter how hard I try, it simply refuses to get harder than a tiny token. In fact, I think it kept getting smaller and squishing down when I tried to do it last night.

So I got it into my head last night that I think that something late on Sunday I’m going to take my diapers off and play with myself – and hopefully even have an orgasm. But now here’s the kicker – I haven’t a clue as to how I’m going to go about doing it. This is because normally I get up every morning and sometime before I go to work I go into the bathroom and sit on the toilet and relieve myself of that nasty sperm. But I haven’t even seen my toilets now in weeks and for some reason I’ve developed quite an aversion to them (couldn’t be the recordings I’m listening to). To make matters worse, I’m also not sure I really want to touch it with my hands. I mean, a girl doesn’t really have one of those nasty things down there. And to make matters really worse, there’s a good chance I’ll wind up peeing on the floor while I’m trying to do it.

Then there’s the other question. It’s been so long… well, do I just do it and get it over with? Or do I try to find someway to make it more memorable? Or should I try to set myself some kind of task or goal to complete so it becomes more of a reward?

All of these things are running through my warped mind right now. Yes, you can laugh. Yes, I’m an idiot. But I don’t care. I now have all day today, all day Saturday, and all day Sunday to dream about it. The anticipation will only make the waiting all that much sweeter. And I’m going to have an absolute ball keeping it on my mind!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Frustrating Evening

I didn’t get to play dress up and do my photo shoot last night. I’m sorry. I’m really hoping I’ll get to do it tonight. I was certainly planning on it and was really looking forward to it, but my cell phone rang on the way home from work last night and I had to go elsewhere. I’m starting to feel like it’s been a conspiracy to keep me away from it for the last few days.

Anyway, by the time I got home last night, I was really tired. It was so late that I decided to just change into my night diapers (three) right then. I did my fingernails to prepare for a photo shoot, but before I could really even get dressed, I realized I was just too exhausted. I wound up just putting my nightgown on and going straight to bed. As an odd thought, I decided to try leaving my very high heels strapped onto me again. I must have been tired because I fell right asleep at 9:30 and didn’t wake up till 2:30 when I had to take them off to get any more sleep. That’s a record for me.

Sorry I couldn’t play last night. These things happen. I’m certainly hoping I can do it tonight instead.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

This And That

I didn’t get much time at all yesterday to enjoy being a sissy – unless you count the fact that I still enjoy being in my diapers all the time - which I guess I absolutely do count. I had to go and do battle again last night with that dreaded computer virus. I downloaded a “free” program last night and took it with me that was supposed to get rid of the virus for me. But as soon as it finished scanning the computer and recognizing where all the viruses were, it popped up a screen that said you had to register and pay for the complete program before it would remove anything. I was so angry. More so because the modem wasn’t working and there is no internet access on that computer right now. I battled that virus for several hours before I finally deemed I couldn’t do any more. At least I got most of it and it’s no longer re-infecting the computer. But the result was that I didn’t get home till very late last night.

I guess I should mention though, in passing at least, that I guess all this practice with peeing freely has taken a slight toll on how long I can hold back now without wetting. Basically, I can’t seem to go very long at all before I’m leaking all over the place.

Oh, I wanted to mention my fingernails (yes, my very own fingernails). I haven’t really trimmed them now in… well, I don’t know how long. The result is that most of them have grown very long. I say most of them because I had a slight accident at work on Friday and chipped one of them. I guess it’s another sure sign that you’re a sissy when you start to obsess over chipping a fingernail. Anyway, last week I did “shape” them just a tiny bit to help make them look pretty. And now they’re getting long enough where they’re actually starting to get in the way. I keep hitting something wrong on the keyboard or I find myself having to touch or pick things up slightly differently. Most of them are now sticking out slightly past the ends of my fingers. Somebody is going to say something about them soon, and when they do, I guess I’ll have to trim them. But I dread doing it. Despite the fact that I have big fat fingers, a few of them look so long and girly that I absolutely adore them. How could anybody even contemplate cutting them back? I find though that I have to be a lot more careful with them than ever before because I keep bending them or I realize I’m putting the wrong kind of pressure on them. I don’t want them to break. Oh what a sissy I am.

Hopefully, I can spend tonight being all sissy again. I’m really looking forward to it. And I really want to do another very short photo shoot too. (Whisper) I have a pretty new dress!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Sitting On The Fence

How do I put into words what I’m feeling right now? It’s especially difficult when it’s so hard for me to define them myself. I guess the best I can do is to say that I’m sitting on a fence. On the one side I simply want things to stay as they are – safe and easy and comfortable. But it is the other side of that fence that seems to beckon me more and more. That side holds the desire to intensify these sissy feelings within me and intensify them for whatever time I have left.

I guess there are several contributing factors to these desires. First of all, I’m now just a few days away from being four weeks with no sexual relief and I know this is fueling some of my feelings. Then of course there are the hypnotic recordings that I’ve been listening to at least once a day or more. They’ve been doing nothing but adding to my experience and desires. And finally, there’s the plain old fact that I’m a sissy. And I guess that’s the bottom line right there. I’m a sissy and therefore I have the desires to act like a sissy. The other factors only fan the flames and make the fire grow brighter and brighter.

But the question remains, what should I do about it? Mistress Gina has a new job and can not contact me very often at all. I absolutely love her input and for some reason look upon her words as law. But this time she’s been able to have very little say in my adventure. She was able to pass on this weekend that I should remain in chastity – which I was doing anyway.

But should I do anything different? And if I did, what could I do? I’ve always been fond of setting rules that have to be followed. That’s what got me started in the web in the first place – my old website “My Sissy Rules Fantasy.” In other early adventures, I set some rules for myself that I had to follow, but this time the rules are much less structured. They’re more like things I just do. There’s no set structure to follow and no consequences for not doing them. Like I now wear diapers and pantyhose all the time and I wear high heels all the time in the house. It’s just become something that I do. Not a rule.

But what if I did set some rules for myself. I sat down yesterday and tried to define some. I would love to declare these as absolute rules for myself. If you look closely you can see that they’re really divided into two sections, one for my baby side and one for my feminine side.

1. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, I will wear my diapers all the time – 24/7.
2. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, I will use my diapers as a baby like me should use them. I will no longer even think about using a toilet again.
3. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, I will no longer even think about attempting to hold back in any way when I feel like I have to go. I’m wearing diapers and I have to use them. Where else could I go anyway?
4. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, I will suck on my pacifier all the time whenever I’m at home.
5. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, from now on I will only drink from my baby bottle. I will never use a glass again.
6. I am a sissy baby. Like a good baby, from now on whenever I eat something that requires utensils, the only utensil I will use is my rubber coated baby spoon – and that’s all.

7. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will only wear girl’s clothes while in the house.
8. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will only wear high heels in the house.
9. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, whenever possible outside of the house, I will wear my girly flats instead of yucky men’s shoes.
10. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will put my makeup on as soon as I get home every day.
11. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will wear pantyhose all the time, 24/7 – even to work.
12. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will keep my toenails polished always.
13. I am a sissy baby. Like a good sissy, I will polish my fingernails whenever I am going to be at home.

Each of these rules would be wrapped with a further definition, for example: only wearing girls clothes in the house would mean that I would have to dress for work in the laundry room and when I come home again I would have to remove all my male clothes in the laundry room before I could enter the house.

The truth of it though is that so much of this I’m already doing. I’m just not doing them consistently. All the diaper rules are superfluous because I’m already wearing diapers and using them. I haven’t even seen one of my toilets since I can remember. And I guess it’s the hypnotic recordings taking more effect, but I seem to be craving my pacifier more and more. And now I’ve gone and bought myself a baby bottle that I keep looking at longingly. In past adventures, I had rules where had to use these things all the time, but not this adventure. But now these things are beckoning to me. The baby spoon idea was from an adventure long ago. Let me tell you, there’s not much that makes you feel more like a baby than trying to eat oatmeal every day with a baby spoon. No matter what I did, as much of it wound up on my face as in my mouth.

Yes I wear male clothes in the house all the time. I don’t bother to dress in the laundry room, it’s just so much easier and convenient. And I do wear high heels most of the time I’m in the house – I just love wearing them. And my toenails have been polished since I started all this (I did them again last night).

So what would be the point of setting these things down as rules I had to follow? I don’t know except maybe it would somehow add to the intensification. But then if I had to follow the rules, what would be the consequences for not following something. What happens if I fail? To have rules is one thing, but to enforce them is something else. Of course the prospect of that adds to the intensification too.

There are a thousand other rules I could add to these, I just can’t think of them right now. And why should I bother? I’m probably not going to do anything anyway, but it’s so, so tempting.

I apologize for rambling and probably confusing you all. I’m just thinking out loud and trying to decide which side of the fence to get off on.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Early Morning Adventures

Yes, I’ve been adventuring again. But I’m going to torture you and make you wait a moment.

Yesterday was one of those super busy “work-around-the-house” days. With all the rain and hot weather we’ve had for the last month, it was really the first chance I’ve had to do some of the jobs that needed doing outside. And I think I nearly killed myself trying to get it all done – which I didn’t quite manage. The only bright spots were that, yes I did manage to get most of it done, and a bigger bright spot – most of it was in my backyard where I was able to work while wearing my girly flats (thank you Dani).

By the time I finally quit yesterday, I was too tired to do anything the least bit girly. In fact it was a major effort just to change my diapers – which really needed it. I tried staying up last night, but I was so tired that I wound up just putting my nightgown on and going straight to sleep about 9 pm. I didn’t even change into my night diapers. Fortunately, no leaks.

But that was yesterday and today is today. I’m afraid I woke up in the middle of the night last night with the idea that I still had to get some gas – and I was going to do it in heels again. The very thought kept me a bit excited. Since I was now awake, I figured what better time to do it. So I got dressed again at 4 am. Fresh diapers (two), pantyhose (suntan), my highest heels, my girly jeans, MAKEUP, and, and, and… Ok, I started trying on girly tops to go with my jeans. I tried on all three that I now own, but the only one that fits me right and I really feel comfortable in is the new one. The pink “thing” that goes over top of the white under blouse that I bought. So instead of wearing a male shirt, I threw all caution to the wind and went with the pink and white. And I can’t begin to tell you how comfortable I am wearing it. In fact that’s the very thought that went through my mind on both my trips out this morning (am I getting ahead of myself).

Ok, so there I was, dressed totally as a SISSY. The closest thing to anything male that I was wearing was my diapers, and I certainly can’t call those male clothing. It was a bit after 4 am and I drove myself like that out to the highway and to the gas station there, all the while dreading standing out in the open under those bright lights. But unfortunately, when I got there, the gas station was closed. So I went on to the next gas station, which also was closed. I turned around and went back an exit, then down the road a bit to another gas station – also closed! I got the idea that someone was trying to tell me something. So I turned around and headed home. I guess 4 am on Sunday morning is not the best time to find gas around where I live. But on the way home, another scheme sprang into my mind.

I got into my computer and checked a few websites for a while, then decided to go back to bed again. I half-slept for about an hour. Half slept because for some reason I really wanted to be horny. I even rolled over and tried humping myself against the bed – through my diapers. And it was feeling pretty nice doing it. I kept wondering how hard I might be getting inside my diapers while I was doing it. Then I realized I was wetting myself. So that answered that question. You can’t pee at all when you’re hard. But it was fun thinking about it. I’m beginning to wonder, if I take my diapers off and play with myself, will I still be able to have an orgasm? It’s been so long now. Or instead of climaxing, will my cum just dribble out? Or… can I even do that anymore? I haven’t decided to even try yet.

Oh sorry, I got sidetracked. Where were we? Oh yes… Adventuring!

Ok, here we go. I got up again about 5:45 and got dressed again. The only difference this time was that I put a different lipstick on. For some unknown reason, when I went out last time I was worried that the color might be clashing with my soft pink top. It’s a sure sign you’re a true sissy when you start to worry about things like that. So this time I was wearing the super shiny lipstick. And yeah, I think it goes better with what I had on.

I left the house a little after 6 am and headed the other direction this time – into town. I stopped at a gas station that I go to often – no other cars there (thankfully). I quickly got my credit card out of my wallet and then got out of the car. There I was, outside my car, on display for the whole world. And yes, I was nervous. The street the gas station is on is the main road that runs through town. And the street was way too close to the gas pumps for my comfort level just then. But I stood there and swiped my card in the pump and then pumped 25 dollars worth. And the pump was very, very slow. It took an eternity. All the while, I felt so much more girly than the last time I pumped gas (must have been the makeup and pink top). This time, there was no way to pretend I was dressed as anything but a sissy. I was soooo fortunate that at that hour no other cars pulled into the gas station. It’s a very small gas station and I’m not sure what I would have done. There was no way anybody could miss seeing that I was wearing heels (do you think my pink top might give me away too).

Anyway, after I finally got my gas and then waited till the pump asked me 20 questions before finally giving me my receipt (fortunately). I got back into my car and left for part two of this morning’s little adventure – McDonalds!

Yes, that’s right, I wasn’t finished yet (I should have been). I drove over to McDonalds and pulled into the parking lot (already busy). I drove through the drive through and ordered my breakfast through their intercom system. Then I drove around to the first window to pay. There was a guy in that window. I had to dig through my wallet to find the right bills which I handed him and then had to wait for my change. All the while, I knew he was looking at me over and over again (couldn’t have been the pink top or the makeup could it?). Finally, I drove up to the second window to get my food. There was a girl there. She handed my some sugar and creamer and my coffee. Then I had to wait. A moment later, a guy came over by the window to check me out. Then I saw someone else (another worker) in the background staring at me. But what was I supposed to do about it? I put myself into that position. I had to sit there and wait – all the while on display (at least from my pink top up). I am absolutely convinced that they purposely delayed getting me my food just to make me sit there like that and wait. It was very unnerving, but like I said, what could I do about it. I was so happy when she finally handed me my food and I could leave and go home.

So here I am. Still dressed as I was. I ate my breakfast while typing this. Did I go too far this time? I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. The big question really is, when will I do it again?

I had been hoping to spend the entire day today in feminine clothes. But unfortunately, something has come up. I work with computers, so naturally the entire family seems to think that I can fix anything when it comes to them. Actually, I’m a programmer. I write business software applications. This job is really my second life (I was a musician in my first life – successful, but this pays better). One of the reasons I went into computers is because I found them so frustrating that I figured people would be willing to pay me to deal with them. But my talents ran along the programming route instead of the repair route.

I got a call yesterday from my step-son. His father-in-law’s computer has been hit by a bad virus and the computer won’t do anything at all now. They purchased an anti-virus program (way too late) but they can’t even load it. So I’ll be spending a major portion of the afternoon trying to rescue his computer (he needs it for his business – payroll, etc). I know it’s very possible to clean any virus off of a computer, but I don’t have a whole lot of experience with it or the right tools to use to do the job. I’ve seen my boss do some amazing things in that line, but that’s not what I do for a living. There are some viruses that reinstall themselves to multiple places every time you remove the virus from somewhere else. Most professional places you can take your computer to don’t even try to clean them. They simply wipe your hard drive and reinstall the operating system. It’s really a cop-out solution that gets the job done without taking up too much time. But you lose everything on your computer in the process. I hope I don’t have to resort to that. So anyway, I have to do battle with a computer today and it’s not going to be fun.

I’d much rather be spending my day in skirts – obviously!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Busy Day Ahead

I have one of those busy, busy days ahead of me. But I got started on my list of chores last night so hopefully I can complete most of it today.

Thank you Dani. Your suggestion to wear the flats was a great one. And that’s just what I did last night. I had several things I was able to do in my own backyard where I wore them. Please understand, I have a fence surrounding my huge backyard, but the neighbors can still see somewhat. Two story houses make viewing what anyone else is doing very easy, and while the fence blocks a lot of what can be seen, you can still see through it. I just hoped and prayed that nobody would notice. So I cut down and cut up a tree last night in my girly flats and I also did some minor repairs on the pool. There are a few things I have to do today that will put me out front right next to the neighbors who seem to live in their garage and talk to me frequently. I don’t dare wear them then.

First up for me today though is another diaper run. I can’t believe how fast I go through these things. I think a very early morning run to Wal-Mart will be best so I can get back to work.

Then later tonight, I think I need to fill the car with gas again. I wonder what I’ll wear.

Friday, August 15, 2008

To Muddle or Not To Muddle

Yesterday morning, the possibility suddenly existed that this adventure could be coming to an end this weekend, but last night things changed drastically. Not only will I have another week, but it’s possible that I may have up to three more weeks. We just don’t know. Where doctors and procedures are concerned, we can only take things a day at a time. The procedure the doctor was supposed to do two weeks ago will finally be done on Monday. But then he wants to wait ten days to two weeks and do another one. So my wife will remain gone to help out, and I’ll stay here – adventuring.

So now I’m once again faced with looking toward the future. Do I want to plan anything, or just keep muddling through as I have been? I just don’t know. Planning and setting rules is exciting, but muddling through is a whole lot easier.

One thing that’s occupying my mind more and more for the last few days is the possibility of some sexual relief. It has now been three full weeks since I’ve even been able to get more than a tiny bit hard – let alone cum. For someone who’s used to relieving himself every single day, this is a lifetime. But what do I want to do? Do I plan for some total relief in some humiliating way (no, I’m not going to do anything in public)? Or do I just take my diapers off and edge myself, letting my fluid drip out of me with no climax? Or do I just take my diapers off and play with myself, allowing me to finally get hard for a few minutes - with no fluid release allowed? Or do I remain sealed in my diapers as I have been - unable to get hard or even feel any kind of stimulation through the layers of thick wet material? I just don’t know. I only know that I’ve been thinking about it more and more – to the point where yesterday morning I was laying in bed, pushing hard with my hands to try to get some stimulation into that area of me. No luck I’m afraid, but it was an awful lot of fun trying.

I do know that this weekend I plan to listen to my hypnotic tapes at least twice a day, probably morning and evening. During the week, I only have time for once a day. During the week I don’t allow myself to pee freely in my diapers while I’m at work and I do allow myself the luxury of not messing in my diapers while I’m at work, but this weekend I won’t be able to do any of that, especially with the help of the hypnotic recordings. The way things have been going with those recordings, I figure this weekend should show me just how completely incontinent I can be. I just need to watch to see if any other baby behaviors pop up.

Saturday I have a lot of chores to do around the house – guy stuff – ugh! I dearly wish I could do it all in high heels, but safety says that that’s not a good idea. If I were a woman, I would still be faced with doing these chores and wearing heels would still be a bad idea. So I’ll just have to suffer through it and hope I finish as soon as possible. Then I can get back to feeling pretty again.

So I have at least one more week ahead of me and probably a lot more. What do I do? I just don’t know. So I guess I’ll muddle through it as best I can. (I think I’ll buy another dress).

Thursday, August 14, 2008


For the last few days, I haven’t written much at all about my other side. My baby side. But today I need to.

If you’ve been following along, I’ve been wearing diapers 24/7 for a few weeks now – including to work. Last week, I also purchased some hypnotic recordings to help further my babyishness. But I’ll get to those in a bit.

Living in diapers is absolutely not for everyone. I don’t recommend it. But it’s one of my personal pet interests and I find it very humiliating – so therefore, I love it. And somehow I make it work alongside of my interests in dressing feminine. The two interests coexist in me and both demand that I pay homage to them.

First of all, let me admit right here and now, that I do use the toilet sometimes. But it’s only at work and only for bowel movements. All the rest of the time I use my diapers. I’m still having a hard enough time coming to grips with the fact that I’m actually wearing diapers at work – and I’m wetting them. I’m not going to make things worse by being messy and smelly too. So when that happens – only at work, I make use of the proper facilities. But that’s the only time I do. All the rest of the time, my diapers are there to be used, and I use them just like the baby that I am. I just have to deal with it later, and really, it’s no big deal. One odd thing that I’ve noticed about this is that for some unknown reason, my system has become very regular. I usually go two or three days without a bowel movement, but lately it’s been like clockwork every day. Odd.

Also, only while at work, I always fight peeing in my diapers. I don’t drink hardly anything during the day to keep my wetting to a bare minimum. There are a lot of times I would really love a cup of coffee, but I don’t dare. And when the urge hits me, I hold it and try to release it just a tiny bit at a time. I usually change after lunch and this has worked fairly well for me.

I no longer pee at one time what most people would call a lot. What I now call a lot is really very little, but I do it very often. So often in fact, that combined with a few other things, I don’t always know I’m doing it.

Last week I purchased a series of three related hypnotic recordings from Warp My Mind. The first recording is designed to make you pee uncontrollably all the time. The second one builds on that and instills the fact that you are a baby because you wear and wet diapers. The third one builds on the first two and also installs some typical baby behaviors. I found the first recording to be very powerful and interesting. The second one was almost the same as the first but not as much interest to me. The third one however really intrigued my lust for humiliation. That is the recording I have been listening to exclusively now for the last three days. It spends much of the time reinforcing your inability to control your wetting so you wet all the time without knowing you are going to. You can’t control your bladder at all under any circumstances. You can’t even pee in a toilet because you no longer know how to control your bladder to make yourself pee. Then it reinforces the fact that only babies wear and wet diapers, and since you wear and wet diapers, therefore you are a baby. Finally, it begins to tell you about all the new baby behaviors you have to adopt because you are a baby. Some of them are behaviors for all the time. Some of them are only for when you’re alone or in safe company.

I still don’t know if I can really be hypnotized. I think I probably can, but I’m always too much interested in moving on and getting past the induction part so I can find out what it is they want to talk about and what their techniques are. But these recordings are different. I listen intently from the very beginning. The more I listen to them, the more I continuously find myself agreeing with everything that’s being said in the recordings as being so true – over and over again. While I still seriously doubt that I’ve ever fallen into a trance, I have found some major differences in my life.

For one thing, after listening to any of the recordings. It’s more like I truly have no control at all of my peeing. It’s almost like that area of my body is no longer attached. I can feel things happening down there, but I can’t do anything about it. Nor do I want to do anything about it. I find more than ever that I really love wearing and wetting diapers. But at the same time, I’m trying hard to be able to control myself while at work, and yesterday morning I had some strange moments for quite some time while I tried to figure out if I was really controlling myself or not. I had a very hard time figuring out how to tighten those sphincter muscles again. And I wasn’t sure or not if I was wetting myself or not. I did eventually get it all sorted out again, but it took a bit. Interesting.

Then there’s the other night. I was listening to the recording talking about needing to suckle either on a woman’s breast, or a pacifier, or my thumb. And I suddenly decided to put my thumb into my mouth. I’ve never sucked my thumb before. But once it was there, I absolutely couldn’t remove it till the recording was almost over – quite a while. It was like it was glued there.

Finally, there’s last night. Once again I put my thumb into my mouth for about the last twenty minutes of the recording. No problem. After the recording though, I decided to pick up my pacifier and put it into my mouth. And that’s where it has stayed – solidly! And it’s still there just as solidly right now. For the first time ever, I slept with it all night – tightly against my lips. Not held loosely at any time. Firmly.

At one point last night I decided to have a little snack of some chocolate pie. I cut my piece of pie, and suddenly found myself with a problem. I didn’t want to remove my pacifier. Fortunately, I had my new baby bottle at hand and I forced myself to remove the pacifier so I could eat. I have no doubt that the baby bottle helped. But as soon as I was finished eating and drinking my bottle, the pacifier was glued right back in place. And this morning it’s still there exactly the same way. I drool a lot – like a baby, but that’s perfectly ok. It’s such an interesting experience.

I wonder if any other behaviors will pop up. Only time will tell.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Got Gas?

For the most part, I thought yesterday was a fairly dull day, but now that I think back about it, I was really very busy. The morning wasn’t much fun because I had a ton of yard work to do. Although doing it in diapers did make it a bit more fun, I really wasn’t thinking about them too much. I had listened to my hypnotizing file again right after I showered and changed into fresh diapers, which left me completely relaxed as usual. But my first job of the morning was to replace a bunch of seals on our pump which took me a frustrating two hours. I wasn’t exactly thinking about my diapers or having to pee or not. You can imagine my surprise when I finished and realized my diapers were fairly soaked. Then it was onto the lawn mower for another two hours of finishing the lawn. It was getting really hot by the time I finished and I was ready to call it a day.

I had planned on going shopping around noon and I actually left just a little after that. I had to take another shower/diaper change/file listening break first. I headed to Target this time and looked around first, then went and got a cart because I saw a few things I liked. I picked up a great little skirt that I really love, a top to go with it that despite being marked as large is still to tight on me, and a pair of very girly jeans. Then over to the shoes. Oh my, what a great collection of cute shoes. I don’t get into Target very often so I don’t really keep up on what they have. Lots of nice shoes that I liked, just none in my size – very frustrating. The top shelves with most of the larger sizes were mostly empty.

So I paid for my other things and headed to Payless shoes. Unfortunately, there were three other women shopping in the size 10 aisle, but I did my best to ignore them and searched the rack diligently for anything that caught my eye. I wound up buying a pair of flats (as per Dani’s suggestion) and a pair of orange wedges with a 3 ¾ inch heel. Nobody even looked twice at me - that I really know of. When I went to check out, the sales girl gushed about how popular the orange shoes were and what a good choice I had made for someone. I didn’t have the courage to tell her that someone was me. Then it was on to Wal-Mart to buy myself an mp3 player to make listening to my files easier.

Isn’t dress-up fun? Trying on all the new clothes? It is (and was) for me. Unfortunately the top I bought is too tight and the orange shoes, while I can wear them, are too tight too. Maybe if I wear them the straps will stretch out a bit. Right now, they’re just cutting into my feet.

I’m afraid I just laid around most of the day after that, watching TV, reading, and listening to my files. I did do my fingernails though. My big plan was to go out about 9:30 at night to get gas in the car with my nails done and wearing my new girly jeans. But what do they say about the best laid plans? I fell asleep on the couch while watching TV and it was after midnight when I woke up. I was more than a bit tired so I just changed into my night diapers and went to bed. But for some reason, I couldn’t go to sleep. And the longer I laid there, the hornier I was getting. I’m really starting to think I’d like to at least be able to play with myself for a bit.

Oh, anyway I must have been really more tired than I thought because on the spur of the moment, I threw all caution to the wind and got dressed in my new jeans, a male shirt over it, then I put on my 4 inch heels that strap around my ankles. My jeans don’t have any “useful” pockets, just a lot of fancy stitching so I took a quick look at my wife’s purses, but decided that I wasn’t really going to be carrying enough stuff to need one. Then I went out and got in the car and drove up the road.

The gas station I had chosen (ahead of time) is on a very busy highway, just off of the interstate. There are two other gas stations around it and all of them are usually fairly busy. But it was now almost 1 in the morning and I was hoping that they would all be fairly empty. How wrong can I get? As I pulled into the station, my heart gave a couple of extra beats as I saw two other cars at the pumps. But I drove on in and pulled up to the pump on the very end – where I felt I would be the least seen. I’m so glad that pump was open. As soon as I turned the engine off and reached for the door handle, I almost panicked and drove off again. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I bravely opened the door and stepped out in my heels and jeans. I was really worried about the noise my heels make on the concrete. Not exactly silence. But I quickly got behind the pump and inserted my credit card (which I had grabbed before I left the car) and got down to the business at hand. The gas pumps themselves were my major saving grace. As I stood there waiting for my tank to fill, I did my best to just stand and look bored, like I usually would. Well, actually, I usually would be cleaning the windshield, but I wasn’t about to go that far this time.

I had a slight moment of panic when the driver at the next pump over went into the store and came out again, but I don’t think he hardly even glanced at me. Even though I was wearing heels and very girly jeans, the jeans still look like regular pants – if you barely glance at them from a distance. And the jeans were also long enough to cover most of my shoes. As I looked down, I could just see the toes of my shoes sticking out under the bottom of the jeans. I don’t think you can see much more than the very bottom of the heels either. Of course my nail polish was so shiny that it was practically glowing in the bright lights, but I was doing my best to ignore that along with everything else.

Over fifty dollars later, I put the pump back up and waited for my credit card receipt, praying all the time the receipt printer would work. There was no way I was going to walk across that big parking lot and into the store after a gas receipt. I got back into the car and drove home. Safe and sound and nobody knew anything. I was very relieved – and yet, I was also a bit let-down. It was almost a non-event. I guess mostly because it was late and I was tired. Would I do it again? I really don’t know.

So that’s my tale for the day. Did I cop out in a few places like staying behind the gas pump and not walking around to be seen more? Probably. But I don’t think my main purpose in any of this is to cause anybody else alarm. I don’t really know what my real purpose in doing this is, except to try to do something normal, while expressing just a little bit of the girl inside me. An impossible task as always.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Not Much

Not much to write about today I’m afraid. I had family visiting most of yesterday – which was both nice and difficult. Nice because I haven’t seen them in a while. Difficult because my three-year-old was there and while he is recently potty trained, it was more like I was the one who was not. They stayed a lot later than usual so by the time they left, plus some other things I had to wait for, I didn’t get to go shopping. So I’m planning my trip for around noon today.

Dani may be wearing me down with his suggestion on the buying the flats. I really want to stay in heels as much as possible, but his suggestion is a good one. Besides, all the other women wear them.

That’s it I’m afraid. Not much at all.

Saturday, August 9, 2008


It has now been over two weeks since I’ve had an orgasm. In fact, I think it’s been over two weeks since I’ve been able to even get hard. For the last few days, I’ve found myself thinking about it more and more. I would like to get hard, but all these layers of diapers won’t let me get more than a slight swelling – especially when they’re wet and bulky.

At the same time, I don’t want to get hard and I don’t want any kind of orgasm because I don’t want to lose this incredible feeling inside of me. I don’t even want to edge and dribble a bit because that might diminish the thrill.

But just getting hard would feel so good. To experience all the wonderful sexual drive that accompanies it. To let my body reach toward that release that it craves.

But remaining as I am feels so good too. The delicious humiliation of knowing I can’t experience what I’ve done practically every other day of my life. The incredible feeling of control that has been forced upon me. The slight yearning for what I can’t have has become a sweet, sweet nectar.

But I’ve had an orgasm nearly every other day of my life. My body requires it. It fills me with power and brings the entire world back into focus where I can fully concentrate on the business of the day.

But not having an orgasm keeps me in the delicious state where I am now. Where I’m starting to crave humiliation more and more. Where I’m sinking more and more into the forbidden waters.

No solution for now, except to let chastity win.

Dani has suggested that I can wear black pantyhose with no socks to work and get away with it. Unfortunately, Mistress Gina agrees. Double unfortunately, I just don’t see how I can. I usually wear black pantyhose under my clothes to work, and even two pair still look very shimmery and seem to scream “He’s wearing pantyhose!” I think I’d need at least three or four pairs to get to where you can’t see any of the hair on my legs even through all the pantyhose. All I can say about this one is that I’ll have to think about it. I need to replace some of my pantyhose now anyway, maybe I’ll get a few extra pair and experiment with it a bit.

I’m hoping to do a bit of girly shopping tonight if I can. I’ve actually been looking forward to it for days, but I’ve been too busy. Life, life, life! I would dearly love to have a really nice casual skirt – top combination to wear. Of course there are a lot of other things I would dearly like to have too. I’ll just have to see what I can find.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Impulse Buying

Ok, I did something unusual for me last night. Well, let me back up a bit and start a bit earlier in the day, like early morning. If you remember, I had a bit of trouble with my relaxing exercises a few days ago. I just couldn’t seem to do them. I guess the exercise is very much similar to self-hypnosis where I’m really hypnotizing myself to be incontinent. But the other day, my mind refused to concentrate and my body refused to relax. But it got me to thinking about some of the other hypnotizing files I had read about on the internet some time ago. I’ve always been curious about them, the few free ones that I’ve downloaded and tried were really lousy (and I mean worthless). But I was bored last night and for some reason got to thinking about them. So I started going through some of the diaper files on Warp My Mind, and I found one that really intrigued me. After reading some of the comments and especially the postings in the forum about it, it sounded very much like what I was already trying to do myself. The file is:

MM_BladderRetraining - Description: This is the first of the MindMaster Baby Training files. This is the Bladder Retraining file that will train you to wet like a little baby ALL THE TIME, and to love wearing and wetting your diapers and being in a wet diaper. This is NOT for those that want to play with part time diaper wetting. You WILL wet like a baby and be in diapers from now, FOREVER, after this file takes hold and trains you to wet like a baby. If you're ready to become the baby you know you really are, this is the first step. Full time wetting, just like a little baby. Enjoy MindMaster

Now please understand, unlike most people, I rarely ever buy anything on line. But my wife is away, and likely to stay away for a bit longer. And I got really intrigued. So late last night, I went ahead and bought it and downloaded it.

I didn’t start listening to it till almost 11 pm. Now I’ve never been hypnotized before and I really don’t know that I can be. Most of the time with these things my mind is much more interest in the ideas and how they go about it than in actually getting into the spirit of things. I get so bored with the lengthy inductions that I skip right past them. But this recording was different. I sort of followed the instructions, and the further into it I got, the more I followed them. It was just a nice relaxing recording to listen to and I’m very pleased with the quality. No, I’m sure I wasn’t hypnotized, but I did sit there for thirty minutes with my eyes shut and without moving a muscle.

I would like to report though that afterwards, my muscles have remained totally relaxed. Wonderfully relaxed. There have been a few times where I didn’t even know I was peeing till it was almost over. The affect doesn’t seem to be as strong as it was all last night, but it’s still pretty good. I’m still incredibly relaxed and there’s no inclination that I’m even interested in tightening up anything down there.

I also have to report that for some strange reason, I was incredibly horny through the entire recording. My little member wanted to get hard so bad, but trapped under three layers of diapers it wasn’t going anywhere. Still, it was a very pleasant sensation.

I’m afraid I “impulse-shopped” again this morning and purchased the next two files in the series. I liked the first one so much that I’m still curious.

On to other subjects! Sissy Dani challenged me to not wear socks over my pantyhose at work. I’m afraid I’m going to have to chicken out on that one. While I’m wearing diapers to work now, nobody knows and the way I’m doing it, I seriously doubt there’s any chance that anyone could know, but there’s just too much chance of exposure for other things. But oh how I wish I could. Of course I’d also love to be able to wear a dress and heels to work too!

I’ve about convinced myself that I’m going to be filling my car’s gas tank while wearing nail polish. The only question is, will I do it tonight or tomorrow. Actually, it really all depends on what other things are going on, but believe it or not, I can’t wait.

Thursday, August 7, 2008


Yes I did. I wore my diapers to work again yesterday – and I enjoyed it. But to be perfectly honest with you, it was much more of a non-event. And why shouldn’t it be? I’m totally discrete about it, so nobody knows I’m wearing them. I’ve been wearing them so long now that I’m completely comfortable wearing them. So they were really not much of an issue for me. To be honest, I didn’t drink hardly anything at all throughout the day so I didn’t really have to pee much anyway. And I am definitely holding back while at work and not wetting myself freely. I doubt very much that will change. So as long as I’m being discrete, I know that it’s really nobody else’s business – and they really don’t know anyway. I was able to concentrate a lot better on my job yesterday and didn’t think nearly as much about what I was wearing underneath. And that’s the way it should be.

There was an added bonus too. Since I was already diapered, I didn’t have to rush from my shower to get to work like I usually do so as not to use any of the toilets in my house. And coming home was the same way. I usually get in the door and rush to get changed into my diapers immediately. I didn’t have to worry about that yesterday. In fact, I stopped and bought a burger on the way home and didn’t change till after I had eaten.

One odd thing I did notice that surprised me though, when I got home, I couldn’t wrap my mind around doing my relaxing exercises. In fact, I was having a lot of trouble peeing freely all night long. I was mostly fighting with myself to keep from tensing up and stopping the pee. It was almost as if my body was trying to fight back from this retraining that I’ve been doing. I tried several times to do my exercises, but my mind just wouldn’t go there. I woke up again in the middle of the night last night as I often do. And when I was able to go back to bed again, I was finally able to do my relaxing exercises completely. And this time they took hold immediately. For the last few hours I have had no knowledge at all of when I’m going to pee till it’s already coming out of me. My muscles are totally relaxed and feeling wonderful. And I no longer even want to try to tighten those muscles. I sure wish I knew why I couldn’t get that way last night.

I keep thinking about nail polish lately. I really enjoyed having long pretty nails last weekend. I don’t know if I’ll get to do that this weekend or not because I have a lot of chores to do. I do know though, at the least, I’ll be painting my fingernails every day. I have several colors that I’ve already bought. I also think I’ll be doing some shoe shopping again. Why? Well, aside from the fact that I’m a total nut over high heels, I’d really like a pair that will show off my pretty toenails. Right now, all my heels have closed toes. I don’t even know I’m wearing polish on my toenails till I get undressed to take my shower. So I think it’s time for some new shoes. I can’t wait!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


I did it! I actually spent the entire day at work yesterday in a diaper. And I used it! Well, I had to, it’s a bit hard to either go all day at all without peeing or to try to untape it and hope it will stick again when you pull it back on (it won’t).

I only wore one diaper under my clothes because I was afraid of the bulk showing through. One diaper, one pair of incontinence panties over it, two pairs of pantyhose over that, and one pair of my regular underpants over that(?) Why my regular underpants you may ask (go ahead ask). Because the diapers plus the pantyhose make an unbelievable rustling noise. Most of the time I no longer notice it, but when I want to make sure it can’t be heard, I found that just putting that simple pair of underpants over top of everything completely eliminates (or at least quiets down) any noise.

Anyway, back to our saga. I didn’t hardly sleep at all the night before due to the apprehension of it. But here’s the strange part. By morning, especially just an hour before I left for work, I was really, truly, comfortable with the idea. How nice. Ok, I didn’t drink any coffee before work. And I absolutely didn’t do any of my relaxing exercises. The result was that I didn’t even have any inclination to pee at all most of the morning, which sure made that easier. The only problem was, that due to the lack of sleep, I kept almost nodding off while I sat at my desk. So about 11:00 I finally had to get up and make myself some coffee, which started things going as soon as I took that first sip. By the time my lunch hour started an hour later, I was bursting to pee. Now please understand that my bladder muscles are not the strongest in the world (never have been) and eventually I noticed that I was squirting a bit, then a bit more into my diaper. I was still trying to hold back a bit, but at least I wasn’t flooding myself.

Anyway, that’s pretty much how the day went. I didn’t change myself at lunchtime because I had just barely started to wet myself. The feeling of the extra bulk between my legs felt really strange all day long because I’m not at all used to it while I’m at work. I worried all day that somebody might notice, but the truth is, there was nothing for them to see. The two pairs of pantyhose compressed everything underneath so there really wasn’t anything out of place for anybody to notice. Between the technology of the diapers and everything I was wearing over top of them, there was nothing to smell either. The result, nobody had a clue. To be honest with you, I did worry about it all day long, but the longer the day went on, the more I realized that nobody can tell. And the less I really worried about it. Relief!

It’s now been (oh my, I’ve really got to count) about eleven or twelve days since I’ve had an orgasm. In fact it’s been about that long since I’ve been able to really get hard. Normally I relieve myself every single day, so by this time I should be absolutely bursting with desire for relief. Instead, I’m bursting with an inner glow that may be one of the most wonderful sensations I’ve ever felt. I’m sure my little sissy clitty would like some attention, but trapped as it is under all my diapers (always pointing down) I can’t even get the least bit of stimulation. And the wetter I get, the more bulk there is surrounding it. For now, it’s doomed to remain imprisoned and unable to do much more than a token amount of swelling. And that’s the way I want it to remain. While I would normally be pleading for or planning my relief (or relieving myself constantly), I am instead making sure I don’t get any. Making sure I can remain basking in this wonderful glow that fills my being.

I’ve been talking with my wife every night. Things are not going as well where she is as everyone hoped. It appears that now we are looking at, at least, another week. Probably more. So this could turn out to be my longest adventure ever. So what am I going to do about it? Enjoy it, enjoy it, enjoy it – oh yeah, and go shopping!

Oh, and before you ask, yes I am going to wear a diaper to work again today.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

So Many Feelings

I was planning all day yesterday to write about the many different feeling I experienced, and I hope I still can. But first I have to tell you that the main feeling I’m feeling right now - which is fear. Because at Mistress Gina’s urging, I am going to be going to work today in a diaper. This is a huge step for me. But it’s also a major hurdle on my road to seeing what it’s like to be a truly diaper dependant sissy baby. By doing this, I really will be in diapers 24/7. She is allowing me only one diaper change at lunch – which to be honest is the only time I would be able to change. Mistress Gina seems to think that I’m at a “tipping-point.” And I guess she’s right as usual. When I first read her instruction for me, I had to think long and hard about it. But I have agreed, and I will do it. Right afterwards, I was so filled with panic, that I had to go right downstairs and find my pacifier, which I sucked on intensely for a very long time. I haven’t been using my pacifier very much during this adventure like I usually do, but I seem to really need it now. One of the feelings that I really haven’t talked about much is that the wetter my diapers get, the more I feel like a baby. Why, I don’t really know. But there it is. And I crave feeling like a humiliated sissy baby just as much as I crave feeling deliciously feminine. So pray for me today, because I’m moving deeper into the water.

I wore high heels for almost the entire weekend, from Friday night till I got to work yesterday. Saturday, I mostly wore my very high heels that strap around my ankles, and Sunday I wore my pumps – which as high as the heel is on them, next to the other shoes they feel like flats. Also, whenever I went out in the car, I wore the pumps to make changing shoes easier. But the feelings I enjoyed from them were absolutely wonderful… and painful. Not really painful so much while I was walking, but… First of all, every time I was in them for a long time, then stepped out of them again, like to change shoes or to take a shower, it was painful to bend my foot flat again. Then there was the pain of trying to wear them all night long while I was sleeping (very painful). But there was another pain that I should mention too. That was yesterday morning when I got to work and stepped out into the parking lot wearing my male shoes for the first time in a while. Not that it hurt all that much, but I found I really missed my heels immediately. I’ve experienced this once before after wearing heels for a long period of time. It’s more like there’s something wrong with the shoes I’m wearing. They would feel much better if they had even a slightly higher heel. My male shoes just didn’t feel right. Such sweet agony.

When I took my shower yesterday, I washed my hair with Herbal Essences shampoo, then used Secret deodorant afterwards. I noticed the stronger, flowery smell, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. Then all the way to work in the car, I noticed that I almost exuded that flowery, fruity smell. I was really nervous that someone would notice. Thankfully nobody did – or nobody said anything about it if they did notice. Somehow, I felt good about it all day.

I’ve noticed that when I walk around the house now, I’m standing straighter and feeling more feminine in my walk and attitude. It feels so nice to be able to hold your head up and swing your arms a bit more as you move around. I know it’s just my mental image, but I feel much more like a girl. So nice.

My wife surprised me when I talked to her yesterday. Things are suddenly not going as well where she is as they expected. She’s not really sure she can come home next weekend. We’re still planning on it, but the possibility now exists for this to continue a bit longer. We’re just going to have to wait and see.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Pretty Long Red Nails

I had a very interesting day yesterday. No, unfortunately I didn’t even go out of the house – although I probably should have. I was mostly just too chicken. The opportunity was certainly there for me to do a thousand things in varying shades of humiliation. But I didn’t. Instead, I spent the day doing things like laundry and just working around the house – and learning more and more to enjoy my new pretty long red nails. They were really such a pain to deal with – at first, but as the day wore on, things just got more and more normal with them. Somewhere after lunch I think I really began enjoying them more and more. They looked so nice. They made me feel so feminine. I was really forced to move and use my hands much more like a lady would. Oh, they certainly made some things more difficult, typing was one of them. But even that got a lot easier over time. I just had to learn to do so much more with my nails than with my fingers.

I learned that there were some hand positions that just don’t work with long nails. For instance, sometimes when I sleep I ball my hands into kind of a fist like position. That was certainly out. Keeping my fingers straight worked much better – and felt more feminine too.

As I was doing the ironing yesterday, I really delighted to see my pretty nails as I stroked the fabric beneath my hands. As I colored in my coloring book, I had to hold the crayons just a bit differently, and I enjoyed seeing the pretty red fingertips as they went back and forth across the page. So much that we do during the day where we hardly even notice our hands anymore. I noticed and enjoyed them yesterday. By late afternoon I was wrapped in a cocoon of feeling wonderfully feminine. I just wished I had bought myself another pretty new dress to wear with it.

Unfortunately, I had to remove the nails last night since I have to go to work today. That was a major chore. And let me tell you, for a while there I was afraid they wouldn’t come off. I poured some nail polish remover in a bowl and let my nails soak forever, and I still had to struggle to get them off. But now my hands are dull and dreary and masculine once again. What a let down.

I didn’t try my new child’s knitting project yesterday. And yes, Dani, I got it from your suggestion. I was going to get one of the cross stitching projects instead, but this one looked more fun and was for about the same age level. Hopefully, I’ll try it out tonight.

I realize that I had wanted to step things up a notch and that I had such a great opportunity yesterday, but I chickened out and opted to keep my pretty fingers at home. Yeah, I’m a bit disappointed in myself, but still, I enjoyed the femininity of yesterday immensely. It’s possible (although probably not) that going out might have spoiled that. I was able to keep myself in the house and in my diapers, dress, heels, nail polish, and makeup all day long. How absolutely wonderful!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

!$%# Nails!

I have very long, bright red fingernails!!! I can’t type, I can’t do anything. How do women manage with these things? But I guess I’m getting ahead of myself.

I went shopping yesterday and bought myself quite a few little things: more diapers, some incontinence panties, a pink nightgown, a casual girls top, a coloring book and crayons, and a child’s knitting project. I also got a little more makeup and another nail polish, this one bright red. I guess I should also mention that for the next week, my new deodorant is Secret and my shampoo is by Herbal Essences.

When I got back from shopping, I was delighted to find a message from Mistress Gina waiting for me. I spent much of the day doing little at all except coloring in my new coloring book. Now that is turning out to me far more interesting than I ever would have thought. So many princesses in that book. And you have to decide on all their hair and accessory colors, and then there’s all their dresses. It’s like being a fashion designer. I guess it’s being a far more sissy activity than I imagined it would be.

Late in the day, Mistress Gina directed me to get some false nails, so I had to go back to the store to get them. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I’ve been wearing my heels in the car now. It’s an odd feeling now for me to walk past that laundry room door still wearing them, but it’s also just as nice a feeling to get home and step out of the car already in my heels. I wear my pumps when I go out so that I can change shoes in the car easier. But yesterday, I spent 90% of the day in my very high heels that strap around my ankles.

Oh, back to my nails. You all should have seen me trying to get them on last night, what a laugh. The more nails you get on your hands, the less you are able to work with them. I had a lot of trouble picking them up and a lot of times I dropped them on the floor or they went sailing across the room as I tried to manipulate them. And the glue!!! That was another major problem, I kept getting my fingers stuck to each other and to the wrong side of the nails. I’ve come to the conclusion that putting on false nails is a multi-player sport! But they’re on, and they seem to be stuck very firmly.

Mistress Gina also had me do my toenails in the same bright red polish last night too. So now I guess I match – top and bottom. Then it was on to plucking my eyebrows. It was a good thing they were over grown and really needed it. I was actually glad to do it. They look much neater now. I was happy that the plucking didn’t hurt nearly as much as I expected it to – and believe me, I did pluck a lot (it really needed it).

However, I was also instructed that I can’t change my diapers this weekend unless she says I can. And when I got that message I had been wearing my present two diapers for about five hours and was just getting ready to change. I didn’t get permission to change till well after midnight, but she also told me I had to wear my shoes to bed. Now I had been in my very high heels that strap around my ankle for most of the day and my feet were beginning to hurt. I’ve tried repeatedly to sleep in them and always wound up taking them off in the middle of the night because of the pain. So this time I wore my pumps to bed. They were much better, believe me, but again, I had to take them off around 2:30 am because my feet hurt so much. But two hours later, I was feeling so guilty over it, I got up and put them back on. After that though, they were fine. I even forgot they were on for long periods of time. They’re still on right now. I guess my feet just needed that bit of a break.

I guess I should mention that along with wearing three diapers, my incontinence panties, my high heels, and my nightgown to bed, Mistress Gina also increased my pantyhose to three pair. Let me tell you, three pairs of Leggs shear energy pantyhose can be very tight. I immediately noticed that just walking was a bit more difficult. But I guess they’ve stretched out more now to where it feels like my normal two pair again – except around my very, very wet diapers where they still feel exceptionally tight.

I drank several glasses of water last night, and when I got up in the middle of the night, I drank a little more, the result is that I’m very, very wet and my diapers are very, very full. My legs are so straddle legged it’s hard to walk. I guess I drank too much. But I’m purposely not controlling my peeing any more – actually, it may be a bit different now, it’s feeling more and more like I can’t control my peeing, not that I want to even try. I’ve been doing my relaxing mental conditioning exercises a lot and it’s feeling more and more like I no longer have any connection to those muscles that can hold things back. I’ve also noticed that those muscles are never the least bit tense lately. So very often now, the only way I notice I’m peeing is kind of as a background thing. It’s happening by itself and I don’t have to bother about it. Let me tell you, that’s really nice in bed when I’m trying to sleep. Oh, I can feel it, sometimes there’s the building urge before I pee, but more often now, I only realize I have to pee as it’s already coming out of me.

One of the major mental blocks I have is that I really don’t want to wear diapers to work. And I haven’t. But I see these new diapers they have out now that are easy to take up and down so I can still use the bathroom. I’m thinking of getting some to “try” at work – just in case I have a small accident. I don’t really know about this though. I may, or I may not. It’s a big decision for me.

So that’s where I stand now, long bright red nails, heavily diapered and wet, still in my high heels, and waiting till Mistress Gina says I can change again.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Still Planning

Where to start? I’ve had a busier night than I expected but hopefully it’s all over with now. Consequently, I’ve gotten nowhere with feeling very sissy at all. I have a bunch of errands and shopping that have to be done today, but not all the shopping has to be done all at the same time. I know I need to stock up on diapers, but I’m also going to be looking for a few other goodies too.

One of the things I know I need to do is to take a good look at my activities – how do I fill the time when I’m not at work. I know I really need to engage in more sissy or even babyish activities so I’m going to buy myself a coloring book and some crayons. But I’m at a total loss as to what other things would be good for me to do. I’ll just have to keep my eyes open I guess.

I have to report that my toilets are not locked up yet. I’m not totally sure that I’m going to, although I probably will. I realized that all last week I had been avoiding even looking at them because they were such a pointed reminder of what I was forced into. As I said in a previous blog – no choice! But that in itself is part of the point – no choice. So I’m probably going to do it again… maybe. With the keys so inaccessible, it’s a complete commitment and more than a bit scary. So I’m still trying to decide.

As to my rules for the week, I haven’t gotten very far at all. I really need to define them. Right now they only include diapers all the time when not at work (no toilets of course). Heels in the house all the time and when I’m going out in the car too till I get to where I’m going (thank you Dani – it’s brilliant). And of course pantyhose 24/7.

I have a busy day ahead of me with lots to do (and lots of places to go – in diapers). I guess I’ll be also thinking about sissy activities and also what things make me feel more sissyish or babyish. I may try to do an update later in the day to keep you up to date.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Update - The Adventure Continues

Just a quick update to let you know it isn’t over for me yet. My wife called unexpectedly to tell me she had to stay a while longer – we still don’t know how long it will be though. But at least I’ll have one more week that I know of.

But what will I do now. Now I really have to decide on a list of rules and things to do. And quickly!

If Only!

If only, if only!!! If only this could last and last and last. But it’s looking more and more like I’ll be leaving early tomorrow to pick up my wife. We have no definitive answer yet, but that’s what we’re both planning on right now. One of the things that irks me (a lot) when my wife is away, is that any time I might even suggest, or even if I say nothing about it at all, that I absolutely can’t wait till she gets back, she starts to heavily accuse me of not wanting her back. I guess she just always needs that reassurance. But I know halfway back home again, she’ll already be talking about missing her parents and how much she’s worried about them. She’s been campaigning heavily for the last few years to move them in here with us. It’s going to happen and probably soon. But I’d much rather put it off as long as possible. When it happens, I’m going to feel like another little bit of my private life will be taken away from me.

Anyway, thank you Dani for the comments and ideas. I love them both. But as to the hair, well… I really need a haircut right now, but you see, there’s these little bald spots on top that are getting bigger and bigger, so I don’t really think it’s going to lend itself to any kind of feminine cut. Plus, as long as it is, it’s still to short. And, I have to go to work too.

But… now let’s talk about the pants idea. Would you believe that I almost bought a pair of fem slacks when I first started this week? I think in the future that that is going to be a must. But then of course I really have to find the nerve to wear them in public somewhere. Something to dream about for sure.

One of the things I’ve always wanted to do and never had the courage is a simple little thing. I’d love to be able to go and fill put gas in my car while wearing high heels. It’s amazing how many things I’ve done for real that are probably much worse, but that simple little task has eluded me completely. Someday… someday!

I guess I have to tell you that I’ve just finished unlocking all my toilets. You absolutely wouldn’t believe how long it took for that ice with the keys in it to melt – even out on my porch where the temperature was in the mid 90s all day. When I got home from work, the block was mostly melted, except for the part all around the keys. I couldn’t believe it. It looked like almost a quart of water still solidly frozen. I finally had to run it under the water in the kitchen to finish the job. When I did, the keys were finally exposed and then began separating themselves like leaves, one at a time. I have no doubt at all that if I really wanted to, that block of ice would have made unlocking my toilets impossible for a very long time.

So now I’m planning either for the future, or it’s still a possibility, next week. I think what I’m going to need to do is to pay more homage to both sided of my sissyness. I really need to “exploit” the little feminine things that women get to do all the time, while at the same time I need to delve further into the sissy baby within me. I guess I really wanted to feel thoroughly humiliated by both sides far more than I have.

One of the ideas I’ve thought of is to perhaps buy several colors of nail polish, then be required to paint my fingernails a different color every day – with pictures, and not be able to remove it till the next morning. Then of course I should have a few tasks during the week that would modestly expose them. Another thing I’d like to explore again is the use of false nails. I did that once. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to do anything with those things!

Time is short, so I’m just hoping and praying.