Friday, May 30, 2008
The past two weeks were a real study in contrast. The first week, where I played only by myself, was fairly sedate and calm compared with the second where I let Mistress Gina dom me again. And now that it’s all over and I’m home again, I’m longing harder than ever for my heels and skirts. Just that little taste thoroughly wet my appetite for being fem again. The comfortable feeling of wearing my dress around the house, even my heels were wonderful to wear – especially once I had gotten used to them again. I miss them, I miss them, I miss them. I want them! NOW! I’m not frustrated, am I?
One of the differences between the first and second weeks was the level of excitement. Let me tell you, the second week I was completely off-balance – every second. I literally didn’t know what to expect next. And the thrill of wondering fueled my fantasies to the point where I couldn’t think of anything else. It’s so nice to feel completely “ALIVE” once in a while. My life is otherwise mostly dull and stressful the rest of the time.
I’m afraid that I’m now stuck with this new fantasy I never had before – me being forced to be a baby bunny – how silly. But the darn thing has stuck in me and it won’t go away! But then, it’s my fantasy and I’m enjoying it, so I guess I really don’t want it to. Have I mentioned before that I love my fantasies? They’re really the only fun thing I have in my life anymore.
When I picked my wife up, before we had even left to come home again, she was talking about having to go back again. Now please understand, I love my wife dearly – very much. But just the knowledge that I’m going to have a little more play time eventually has left me hopeful and excited. I even “rescued” my heels and dress from the garbage as soon as I got home. I know I’m playing with fire on the chance that she might discover them, but that would be one expense I wouldn’t have to face next time. I just hope it won't be too soon, I can't afford the gas yet.
And now I’m stuck dreaming about the future and once again living all my fantasies only in my mind again… and loving every second of them.
Friday, May 23, 2008
It was such a tedious day at work yesterday. More so because I have to be so circumspect about getting and sending emails to Mistress Gina. I was once again back in my chastity device. One thing of note. When going to the bathroom, it really wasn’t the chastity device that was my biggest problem, it was the three pairs of pantyhose that I’ve been wearing. They’re such a pain to get up and down. One pair is only a mild problem, but three is a much bigger nuisance.
So anyway things began heating up mentally for me just after lunch when I read this in one of Mistress Gina’s emails:
Tonight for dinner: have salad fixings, buy bunny ears, buy white pantyhose, two pair.
You will cum into the salad and eat it on the floor with bunny ears on.
You will makeup your face to look like a silly sissy bunny.
You must cum into the salad, then eat it slowly.
Still later, more instruction:
cum on it
bunny ears and makeup
enema and diaper and corner time
white pantyhose and heels
another pair white pantyhose: rip out crotch, put over head, arms up leg parts hose: white pantyhose encasement
eat salad from bowl on floor
NO walking, only bunny hopping
bunny outfit stays on, diapered all night, heels on (but if you buy bunny slippers, you can wear those instead)
early to bed for sissy bunny.
Then later, more info on my preparation:
Be sure on your way home tonight to do this:
-mascara and lipgloss application in your car
-male sox off
-to store for enema, two pairs white pantyhose, black eyeliner (for drawing your big bunny eyes, whiskers and nose, and of course bunny ears and slippers
Let me tell you I was practically cumming from just reading and thinking about it! I was more than ready for a big orgasm, I was aching “literally” for it. So on the way home I made a few stops. No bunny ears anywhere! I decided to make some – easy, cut them out of paper a few staples to give them shape and attach them to one of my wife’s hairbands and that was it, easy. Then I began doing my makeup – and I had a blast. Black eyebrow liner nose and whiskers. Full and very heavy eye makeup. It was fun. I put my shoes and pantyhose on and prepared my salad and stuck it in the fridge for a bit. I got everything else ready to go including cutting the crotch out of a queen size pair of pantyhose to put over my head and arms. I emailed Mistress Gina quickly because I knew I couldn’t do it later. Then it was cum time, and oh boy did I ever! I have never, and I mean never had so much come out of me. It was almost like I was peeing on my salad it was so much.
Ok friends, as most of you know, that’s the point were the doubts start to kick in. Once the orgasm is over, so is the fun and games. But you only live once. And I really wanted to do it all right, so I once again went through the enema, diaper, corner time thing. Only this time it seemed like it took my timer a lot longer than the last time to go off. I was really ready to get out of that corner by the time it did.
Then it was time to complete my outfit for the night and encase my arms in the pantyhose and pull the over my head. That was the part that undid it all for me. They were queen size pantyhose, but they were still so tight over my shoulders that they hurt. I guess it was the orgasm I had just had, but I finally just quit it all – right then and there. I was and still am very disappointed with myself, but that’s the way these things go. I was in the shower cleaning up a little while later, and because I was tired, I went to bed early – just not quite as early as I would have otherwise.
Well that’s my tale for today… And the end of this little Sissy Adventure. I’ll be leaving in the wee hours of the morning to go get my wife tomorrow. I won’t be able to write again till I get back next week sometime. But then, I’ll be able to tell you my feelings about my whole experience. I actually look forward to that part. I live in a very mental world. My whole sex life, my whole female life, much of what I want in life, is lived in my mental world. It’s very important to me. So I find reflection to be very interesting – and often very stimulating.
Smile at someone today… Please.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Ah, such a busy day, filled with new torments. I told you yesterday about my new chastity device. I’m happy to say that it works. It has some other interesting consequences though – like when I pee. For one thing, if I try to stand-up to pee, I’m more likely to wind up wetting all over myself or the floor. So sitting down to pee is a must. What happens is that the pee first collects in the knee hi, then leaks out. It’s a bit hard to control. And just like a girl, I’m forced to wipe myself (very well) when I’m done.
There was one point early in the day when Mistress Gina ordered me to go into the bathroom and edge myself. My first thought was… how? But I tried it. It was interesting. I never got hard at all, but still mostly small and soft, I managed to bring myself right to the brink. And while waiting for it to all settle down again, I began leaking cum as if I were peeing again. Surprise!
The rest of the day at work was really busy, and it looks like the rest of the week will be too. Some big problems that have to be handled. I won’t say more.
There is a very fine line between punishment and reward. Here is an example. This is what I got from Mistress Gina at the end of the day:
As a reward tonight:
chastity off, lotion on clitty
spicy enema again
but you are to hump your diaper and have a big orgasm...after a minimum of 15 minutes corner time
diaper stays on all night
Does any of that look familiar? Like maybe similar to my punishment the night before? Please let me make a long story short. I did the enema and the corner time. Then I headed to my bed to finally hump myself to an orgasm. Now please remember that I have a big sheet of plastic under my sheets to protect the mattress. And that plastic is very noisy – to say the least. If anybody had been near, there could have been no doubt as to what I was attempting to do by the sound. But that sound went on for a very long time, because I simply wasn’t having any luck.
Now also please remember that humping in this way is my favorite method to get off – without diapers. But with three diapers on me – that were very wet and messy, I couldn’t get enough pressure on my twisted member to do much of anything. Plus, the way it was twisted back inside my diapers didn’t allow me to get any pressure at all on the sensitive part. I tried putting a pillow under me, that didn’t help. I tried prodding it with my fingers, I couldn’t move my little clitty a bit. So frustrating, but still, so wonderful. I finally gave up and sent a short report to Mistress Gina.
Several times during the night, I allowed myself the freedom of trying again, but got no further. It was really more of just wallowing in the freedom to even try. And all night long I kept thinking about what a big sissy baby I am. Every time I wet myself (which happens a lot during the night now) it seemed to hammer home more and more that I’m nothing but a big baby. Karen is a big sissy baby. At one point I got up and got my pacifier to sleep with again. I’m afraid I drooled a bit on the sheets, but that’s ok, there’s plastic underneath.
So my mind is in some other place this morning. A very weird, but wonderful place. I’m feeling very much like a sissy baby. I guess I should since I am one.
I wonder what today will bring.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
All day long, Mistress Gina kept at me, trying over and over again to just try a tiny little bit of mascara. All morning long, every single email kept at me (and there were a lot of them since I had to email her every half-hour too). And in the end, they wore me down. “Just a tiny bit,” she said. “That’s all. No one will ever know.” So I tried it again, just a very, very tiny bit on the upper lashes of one eye. One light stroke on this side of the eyelash, and another one on the other side of the same eyelash. Then I put my glasses on so I could really see. It looked fine to me. I was sure nobody could tell. So I did my other eye the same way. And went back out of the bathroom. And nobody did notice. I’m certain of that. So later in the day, she told me to put just a tiny bit more on. I really didn’t want to, I mean, I felt like I was flirting with trouble as it was, but I finally went down to our little one-hole bathroom (that’s the only men’s room in the building I work in), and just tried a touch more to one eyelash again. This time I could definitely see a difference in the length. But it wasn’t too bad, so I did the other eye too. Now I was more worried than ever. Now please realize that I need glasses – but only for reading. So when I came out of the bathroom, I wore my glasses – a lot more than I should have. But the problem with makeup like that is that whey you get busy, you forget about it. And there were a lot of times when I was working and talking to people without my glasses. Thank you God, nobody noticed a thing.
But… From Mistress Gina’s earliest email, I knew that I was going to be punished for not following through with her demands completely – the first time. No, I never even tried the lip gloss at work. Let me tell you, that won’t work at all! But I’ll get to my punishment later.
I was wearing kind of a makeshift chastity device on my little sissy clitty. Plus three pairs of black Leggs sheer energy pantyhose. Several times during the day, Mistress Gina sent me to the bathroom to edge again. My big problem there was not what you would think. My problem was a combination of my chastity device not wanting to stay on – because of my other problem. I don’t know, maybe it was all the pressure from the three pairs of pantyhose. The chastity device required placing one knee-hi over my sissy clitty, and tying it in place by wrapping another one around my clitty and balls. But… what happens when your balls are doing their best to force their way up into your body. I could barely find them, not to mention that my clitty was making itself incredibly small all day too. With no balls to hold on to, the chastity device kept falling off and simply didn’t work. Ok, more about this later too…
With the day finally over at work, it was time to head home. But, I had to make a few stops along the way. I needed gas, a few groceries, and… at Mistress Gina’s instructions, I had to buy a Fleet enema for my punishment. But… I was also instructed that as soon as I got to my car, I had to put on more mascara – very heavy this time, along with my lip gloss. Yikes!!! Ok, how was I going to do this? I’m a very brave sort of person – sometimes, ok – maybe I’m not so brave. But I have forced myself to experience a lot of things I normally wouldn’t have tried. But this time I backed out a bit too. Instead of putting my mascara on heavy, I only put on a lighter coat – in my car, using my rear view mirror. Now let me tell you, I was soooo nervous watching out for anyone else around. Fortunately, most people are in a hurry to leave as soon as it’s time. But… I had no sooner finished than I saw one of the women I work with coming out to her car. She had just missed seeing what I had done. Lucky again (how much longer can it hold?). I was nervous in the supermarket about anyone noticing my eyelashes, but nobody did. I was nervous in the drugstore about anybody noticing too, but nobody did. Thank you, thank you.
Once I got home, I had a bit of a task to do. The chastity device wasn’t working the way it was. I had asked Mistress Gina’s permission to modify it a bit to my own specifications and she agreed. So here’s what I did. I took the end of the knee-hi and created a three layer cuff up about an inch and a half from the tip of the toe, then I cut the rest of it off. Then I took a cable tie and threaded it in and out of the circumference of that cuff. I slipped the whole thing over my sissy clitty and balls – making very sure the whole thing was behind my balls this time (yes, they finally decided to make an appearance again). And I tightened the cable tie. Friends, let me tell you, all day my clitty had remained tiny. Much smaller than usual. But from the moment I started tightening, it began growing. Or trying to. To make a long story short, yeah, it works! If my little clittly gets more than about two inches in length, it has to start bending over. Yeah, I can get hard, but it can’t get very straight at all and the least bit of sexual interest – and I mean the least bit, makes it start to pull on that cable tie ring behind my balls – which really hurts! It feels like it burns. To jump ahead a bit. I don’t like this chastity device. I can’t think of anything interesting without consequences!
Alright, punishment time! I’ll try to get through this quickly because I’ve gone on long enough. Well, I guess from telling you about the enema you pretty much know the rest. I had to put five drops of Tabasco sauce in the enema, put the thing inside me. Diaper myself, then stand in the corner holding a penny against the wall for fifteen minutes (why did I ever think to try that before – and write about it?). Now I had never had an enema before, but from reading I pretty much knew what to expect. I laid everything out that I would need before I started because I knew that once in me, I probably wouldn’t have much time. I almost started putting the darn thing in me when I remembered my shoes. Mistress Gina had specified me wearing my heels too. Ok, got the heels on, then started filling myself. I was very surprised at how little I felt it as it went in. But once I was done and diapering myself – that’s another story. I was fighting hard not to lose it before I got finished with my diapering. Then I quickly set my timer and dashed to the corner with my penny. Feet together, nose holding the penny to the wall, and fighting to hold everything in my. A lost battle from the start. After a few minutes, I realized that no matter what I did, stuff was coming out of me with every spasm. Then more and more. I finally gave up trying to hold it and let it all happen – nose still holding that penny to the wall. For the next few minutes, all I could do was to experience soiling myself. And standing there, stuck to the wall, made me concentrate on the whole thing even more. At one point I was peeing at the same time – interesting feeling. I was really amazed when my alarm rang signaling that it was all over. I had been so wrapped up in the process that it made the time go by that much faster. Thankfully! I knew that my diapers would have to stay on till bedtime. So I went up to my office to report to Mistress Gina (I keep plastic on my chair to protect it), then went down to eat a bit of dinner (yeah, I stood up through it all – in my heels). After dinner, I went back upstairs to check if there was a message from my Mistress, there was. Oh no! The diapers were to stay on all night! What fun! Ok, so I went down and cut some slits in the outer one and put a third one on for the night. My night diapering just happened a lot earlier than usual that’s all.
The rest of the night wasn’t really very bad at all – as far as my diapers went. I was really so exhausted from not sleeping much the day before that I slept really well all night. Now that I think about it, I really don’t remember waking up to wet. I wonder if I did anything while I was sleeping. My diapers are incredibly full, but they were already that way when I went to bed last night. I guess, I’m afraid, that I just don’t know. Oh well. By the way, I’m definitely looking forward to a shower in a little while.
One other bit of a note. I realized during the night, and more so this morning how affective this little chastity device is. I don’t like it!
Mistress Gina has asked me to tell you, that if anyone else wishes to be dommed by her, please send me an email and I’ll forward it to her. She may agree to take you on for training and she may not. But if you email me, please be nice: firstname.lastname@example.org
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
My first task yesterday was to email her five times, at ten minute intervals, proclaiming that I was Mistress Gina’s Sissy Baby – and I am! Then I was instructed that on my way home from work I had to stop to get some knee-hi’s and also how to form them into a chastity device. I was instructed (while still at work) that:
From now on at work you will sit like a sissy and walk like a sissy!
Knees together always or legs crossed tightly.Walk toe to heel like a girl.
No eye contact with women, eyes down cast.Be pleasant.
After getting diapered tonight, I want you to do this:
Go shopping for black mascara and some very light pink lip gloss.
Wear your diaper and hose, but no...noooo male socks.
Ask for help at the counter from a nice girl.
Report when done.
Also, before I left work, I got two separate instructions to go immediately into the bathroom and edge myself. Which as horny as I already was really made matters much worse. And… I have to wear not only my little chastity device to work, but also three pairs of pantyhose.
I was also asked to take digital pictures for her, but my wife has our camera and the little cheap one I purchased last night won’t work right (major pain).
Here is my report that I sent on my shopping trip:
Dear Mistress Gina,
I’m back (finally), with everything you asked me to get… and a nice tale about it.
First let me say a big thank-you once again for helping me become so much more of a big sissy baby than I could ever do by myself. You are truly amazing. Every word that you send me sends huge chills up and down my spine.
Ok, on the way home from work I stopped off at CVS and looked at their cheap cameras – what a dismal selection. The only digital one is really tiny, but I bought it to try. I have no faith in it at all, but we’ll see. I also bought myself some more pantyhose since you told me I have to wear three pairs to work tomorrow – along with some knee-hi’s
As soon as I got home, I tried to figure out the camera and took some pictures of me putting the chastity knee-hi on along with the rest of my diaper routine.
Then I put on my jeans (yes, I’m afraid I did it in the house and not out in the laundry room – I wasn’t thinking) and my sneakers. My sneakers are always too tight with socks, but with only pantyhose, they fit perfectly.
Off to the new Eckerd Drug store. As soon as I got inside there was a girl hollering out for someone to check her out please. It didn’t bode well for my confidence in getting help, but two seconds later, a pretty young black girl came down the aisle and asked if she could help me. I told her, “Yes, please, but there’s someone over there who needs to be checked out first.” The girl told me the other girl could wait. Turns out, the other girl didn’t need to be checked out, she’s another employee, but off the clock and was just hanging around.
So anyway, the sales girl asked what I wanted and as calmly as possible I told her the entire list. She didn’t bat an eye. Instead she asked me, “And there are for?” “Fun,” I told her. She nodded and led me straight to the Wet and Wild section of the cosmetic display. The other girl asked what I needed and my sales girl just hollered over to her, “Just some cosmetics and stuff.” She selected everything for me. First some black mascara, then some lip gloss, then some blush, and finally some pink blush. I wasn’t sure from your emails exactly what you were asking for because in one you said mascara and lip gloss and in the other you said mascara and blush, so I got both – along with some pink eye shadow to round it all out.
While she was ringing up my purchase, the other girl was standing right next to me. She asked me. “Who’s getting dressed up?” “Me,” I told her. “Planning on some fun tonight?” she asked. “I hope so,” I answered, and took my change and bag and left. I wonder just what the two of them were really thinking as I left.
Anyway, I couldn’t wait to get home and out of those pants and shoes and into a skirt and heels. Tonight I’m wearing my print skirt, bra with breast forms, my blouse, and my tall heels that strap on. Then I tried all the makeup – and ruined the affect by putting my pacifier back in my mouth.
Well, that’s my tale. I sure hope I can attach some pictures to this. Thank you so, so much again.
Sissy Baby Karen
I had one more set of instructions from her late last night. And I’m very sorry that I read them before I went to bed because they drove my imagination into overdrive all night long. I didn’t manage to get a whole lot of sleep because of these few words: tomorrow...put on a bit of mascara and lipgloss...and bring to work with you...
First she has me sitting and walking in front of my coworkers like that true sissy that I am, and now makeup at work! I’m absolutely going crazy!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Anyway, that was yesterday. Now to the future. I’ve decided to eliminate milking myself for the rest of the week and I can tell you that already it’s heightening my sense of wanting to be much more of a sissy. The milking, as interesting as it was, was a big mistake. So no more!
Secondly, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about getting out of the house more – cautiously to be sure. I’ve decided that I’m going to do the drive-through exercise – at least once, probably twice. I’m also fairly convinced that sometime this week I’m going to get out of my car in high heels and pump some gas (I hope). But first the drive-through…
Now I’ve gone through the drive-through a number of times in the past in sissy mode. The first time I was wearing just a my diapers, pantyhose, heels, and a short winter coat that didn’t barely come down to my waist. That time I’m fairly sure that nobody noticed anything at all. The second time I did it was very similar except the weather was warmer – and oh yeah, I stupidly forgot to remove the pacifier that was pinned to my shirt – on the driver’s side. The attendant at Burger King sure did a double take when she saw that. The last time I did it, it was in a well filled bra, white blouse, pantyhose, heels, full makeup, and long pink stick-on nails. Now that time I can tell you for sure that the guy at the window saw everything! It was so embarrassing having to hand over money and then later accept my change with those nails. But I got through it.
I’m not sure yet if I’m quite up for another round like the last one, but the way things are going now, I probably will be in a few days. So, what to wear… Absolutely the most noticeable sissy thing that I can wear right now is my new dress. The styling with the shoulder straps just won’t say anything other than “Fem!” If I wear the dress, there will certainly be no reason to not wear a well padded bra with it. I’m thinking about this for a possible second trip. My other fem outfit is my print skirt with a dark blue girly top. The outfit also screams fem, but not quite so much as the dress. I could try this without the filled bra to try to tone it down a bit, but is it worth it. Of course, other options include a nicely filled bra under one of my male shirts. Maybe this would be another option for when I pump some gas. Although to be honest my real wish would be to do that in my dress too. I just don’t think I’m that brave.
So anyway, that’s some of what’s been on my mind. Now I just have to endure waiting through work till I can get home.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Yesterday was a busy day for me – especially in the morning. I headed out to do the “Wal-Mart” thing fairly early around 8 am – double diapered and pantyhosed (leggs sheer energy – suntan). I purposely wore my baggy jeans because I felt there would be less chance for anyone to spot that I was wearing diapers (I’m not self-conscious, am I?). I left home right after I changed out of my night diapers so they wouldn’t be too wet and bulky while I was out. Wouldn’t you know it, I wet myself as I was driving into the parking lot. So I worried even more about if they would show. Now I’ve worn diapers out under my clothes in public lots of times, but this was the first time for this adventure so I guess I was a little more aware of them. As I walked up to the front door, I was trying to check out my reflection in the mirror – everything looked ok from the front, but I was more worried about the view from the back. Not much I could do about it though. I remember worrying many times as I walked through the store, “Can she (or he) see that I’m wearing diapers? And can they tell that they’re wet?” As far as I know, nobody glanced twice at my butt. Yeah, oh yeah, I did wet myself in the store, several times. My body has gotten itself into this routine where it just happens, usually in fairly minor amounts, but it does just come out of me. I’ll discuss this a bit more later. But… something else happened while I was looking at some recordable CDs. I suddenly – without warning of any kind – messed myself. Now I had inserted my usual nightly suppository around 10 pm the night before. I had been up out of bed since 5 am. I had had breakfast, did the dishes, done lots of things. And there had never been the least bit of a sign that that suppository was going to do anything. During the week, I’ve noticed that what they’ve mostly done is to keep me more regular than usual and I’m able to make very good use of the bathroom at work. But yesterday, and without warning, I lost it into the back of my diapers. Fortunately, not much at all came out (I guess the suppositories are keeping me fairly well cleaned out). But out it came. I was soooo surprised. Now I had to worry about if anybody could smell me. I have to be honest now. As soon as it happened. I tightened up my muscles a bit against it happening even more. I’m very ashamed of that. Sissy babies don’t have any control when they’re not at work. But I was fighting a mental battle with myself. Do I continue to soil myself, or do I let it happen like it should? Now I know very little had come out (all mush too from the suppository), so I kind of kept myself in just a lightly tightened state where more would only come out if it had enough force. Fortunately, the feelings died down after a little while and I mostly stopped worrying about it.
While I was shopping, I found myself a nice bra and a dress to wear. I really wanted a pretty new sundress, but for some unknown reason, that particular Wal-Mart had very few. I was a bit exasperated over it. But… I did eventually find a dress that I’m really happy with. It’s kind of a light brown, almost tan, in color. Not the flowery material that sundresses are usually made of, but a really nice dress – and I love it.
As soon as got home, I absolutely had to try everything on – and both the bra and dress fit wonderfully. So I made myself some bird-seed breast forms and I love them too.
Unfortunately, I had lots of chores to do – outside. So I had to take off the dress and remove the breast forms. I’d like to confirm that when it takes over three hours to cut your lawn, it’s really nice to not have to stop to use the bathroom all the time.
One of my goals for this adventure was to see if I could once again get myself to the point where I’m occasionally wetting myself before I know that I have to. I can announce with certainty that this is happening, and really has been for a few days now – more and more. While I do often feel that I’m going to pee, it really doesn’t matter to me that I’m going to. But more and more often I’m finding myself realizing that either I’m peeing, or realizing that I’ve just peed, or now sometimes – did I just wet myself? I’m paying so little attention to it now that I’m not always aware of it at all. The only reason that I say this is because yesterday there were a few times when I noticed that my diapers were suddenly a bit warmer in that area than they usually are. And… I’m enjoying it. Crazy, but that’s me.
Sissy Dani left me a suggestion: Go through the drive-in at a fast-food place in a dress and heels...or wearing only a lacy camisole for a top.” I’m seriously considering doing this. No, I will do this, probably Monday or Tuesday. I just have to work out a few of the variables as to exactly what I’m going to wear. Any other ideas?
I’m about to be invaded by family today. I really don’t want them to come, but what am I to do. I’ve been in diapers every evening for the past week and all weekend so far. I’m seriously considering wearing only one diaper while they’re here, just so I can stay diapered. I guess I’m enjoying it that much. I think I can get away with it, but will I actually do it? I just don’t know yet. As they say, stay tuned.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
I kept to my plan and my rules once again. Yeah, I’m proud of myself, but you know what, it’s all beginning to seem normal to me.
Last night my plan called for me to drink the contents of my “cum” baby bottle before I was finally allowed my first orgasm in over a week now. Let me tell you, I’ve tasted my cum before, but this time it seemed to be incredibly salty. Much more so than I ever remember. And hours later, even after drinking an entire baby bottle of water, I could still taste it. My first orgasm was a major, major disappointment for me. It seemed to be over so quickly. My muscles were spasming long before I was “mentally” ready. And the amount of “juice” that came out of me was disappointingly small. I got more out of myself by milking. Ok, here’s the really odd part. I’m much, much more horny now than I was before, although now my little “member” is tucked firmly back between my legs and is well encompassed by three very thick diapers so that I can hardly even feel anything if I try to touch it. Arrgh!
I’m seriously considering changing my rules a bit to eliminate the nightly milking and just remain good and horny for the next week. Maybe it will heighten my fun a bit. I’ll let you know what I decide.
It’s the weekend and I have a lot to do today. But first and primarily is shopping. I need groceries, not to mention a new dress and who knows what else I might find. My finances aren’t great - but a girl’s gotta get something!
I am well aware that I am now “living” in diapers for the entire weekend and I’m actually looking forward to it.
I’m considering trying to set some kind of a sissy task or goal for myself for before this is all over next week. One thing I’ve thought about many times before is to go get gas in my car and pump it while wearing high heels. I’ve never had the courage before and I don’t really know that I have it now. But I’m considering it. Any other ideas?
Time to get busy. Have a good day.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Also, as I’ve said before, keeping the pacifier in my mouth all the time isn’t much of a problem either, quite often I simply forget that it’s even there. I have been plagued a bit by it in the last couple of days because for some unknown reason, at odd times, I find myself drooling uncontrollably. I have to keep wiping my chin and sometimes I drip before I can get to it. I have to admit that like it or not, it really makes me feel infantile.
I’ve been happily wearing heels with every step that I take inside my house. The pumps I have are far more comfortable than the shoes with the ankle straps. I love heels. I’ve noticed that all the younger women at work wear high spike heels - a lot. I’m so jealous!
I haven’t worn any pants inside my house with the exception of that one “bad” day that I had. It’s become quite normal now for me to finish dressing in my laundry room, when I leave in the mornings. Then when I return, off go the pants, shoes and socks (I love my pantyhose), and I quickly slip on a pair of heels and head to the bedroom for diapering. It’s become a normal routine.
I’ve “played” like this three times before, although each of those adventures was under the wonderful watchful eye of a great email dom. In each of those sessions I found that it got easier and easier for me to learn to wet myself “normally.” It’s been probably at least a year since my last adventure, but I’m finding that wetting myself easily is happening much faster than I ever imagined.
I keep thinking about the weekend. I will hopefully be in diapers from the time I get home Friday evening till I go to work again Monday morning. I have a lot of errands to do Saturday including grocery shopping and dress shopping (ok, I really want a new dress). All my errands will have to be done diapered. I’m sure that at some point I’ll have to make another “money run” to my stepson. But hopefully, he’ll be able to meet me at some half-way point and our meeting will be mercifully short and I’ll be able to remain diapered. Well just have to see (and hope).
Tonight I’m scheduled to finally get an orgasm (Yes! Yes! Yes!) It’s been over a week now since I’ve had any full relief and to say that I’m looking forward to it is an understatement. I have been milking myself every night into a baby bottle. The results of that are now in the freezer. I’ve noticed something odd the last two nights. Much more came out of me than usual. I’m very studiously making sure that I’m not having any muscle contractions at all, but last night, for a second, it was coming out of me more like I was peeing. How odd.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Yesterday was a fairly nice day for me. And yes, I did obey every one of my rules – steadfastly! And last night I also did go through with my planned “punishment” (if you can call it that).
First though, I guess I should let you know that for once the suppository I inserted when I got home from work did its job much faster than ever before. I had barely finished dinner and was just getting ready to begin my tasks when it hit me – it certainly didn’t last all that long, but it felt like I was filling the back of my diaper with an awful lot. But there was nothing I could do about it. I had diapered myself not too long before and I couldn’t remove them till it was time to change into my night diapers. Fortunately, it turned out to be no problem at all. It was just something else that I was aware of all evening.
I guess I should digress for a moment and tell you about my diapering a bit. I use two during the day and three at night. I cut slits in the inner diapers to let the pee drain through into the outer diapers as necessary. After taping them in place, I take clear wide packing tape and wrap that twice around my waist – as tightly as possible. Then I take and wrap another layer lower down to make sure all the lower tapes won’t come undone either. This has two affects. Not only does it prevent the diaper tapes from “popping” open, but there is absolutely no way at all that I can remove my diapers without cutting them off with a good heavy pair of scissors – and even then it’s not easy. So once I’m in them, I’m stuck. I can’t even think about using a toilet – for anything.
Anyway, it felt good to be diapered and dressed again. Really good. I was even wearing my highest heels – purposely – and enjoying them. I had gotten a new box of crayons on Tuesday so I was all ready to write my lines. “Karen will be a good sissy baby.” Over and over again. Each line in a different color. I wrote them on some very large pieces of paper that I keep here for the grandkids to use when they want to draw or color. Twenty-five times. No problem at all. It was an interesting and very easy task. Then it was corner time for fifteen minutes. I grabbed my penny that I was going to hold against the wall with my nose and set the timer.
Now I should first tell you that I’ve never stood in the corner before. So this was going to be a very new experience for me. I tried to take notes after each experience.
Corner time 1
At one point, early on, I remember thinking about pink nail polish on my fingernails. For some reason the thought turned me on. Mostly though, I thought about how my heels felt on my feet. More and more of a low-key ache. I worried about how they might feel later.
There is absolutely no way you can tell how much time has passed. The only stimulation is the ticking of the timer. All I could see was the wall ahead of me; shadowed more to my left where the corner was, brighter off to my right. A few times, I simply closed my eyes, there was nothing to see.
Several times I started to worry about moving and the penny falling. Then I would have to start over again. But I didn’t and the penny stayed put. There were a few close calls though, when my breathing got a bit bigger than I expected and my body moved a bit as result. But I soon discovered that to keep that penny there, I couldn’t move a bit. My left arm was trapped by the wall. I started to move my right arm up, but stopped quickly because I felt my pressure on the penny changing. I tried to move my feet a bit, which were pressed close together, but that offered too much chance of me dropping the penny too. I didn’t dare move an inch.
I was totally surprised when the alarm finally rang, so much so, that the penny dropped quickly to the ground.
Round 1 done. Not too bad at all.
Then it was back to write my sentence twenty-five more times – in living color. Actually, a welcome relief from the corner. But twenty-five is a relatively small number.
Corner time 2
It seemed easier at first this time, but that didn’t’ really last. For the first little while my feet didn’t seem to hurt as much. But there was no stimulation. I listened to my neighbor cutting his grass next door. I felt the air-conditioner blowing on my legs below my skirt. But there wasn’t much else. For long periods of time, I just closed my eyes because it was easier than seeming to be cross-eyed staring at the blank wall in front of me.
Later, I began to really wonder how much longer it would be. I knew a lot of time had passed, but I found myself really hoping that most of my time was already up. It wasn’t.
Still later, my feet began to ache again. I moved them carefully just a bit for relief, but relief was very short lived.
Mostly, I could only stand there, my nose holding the penny to the wall in front of me, the back of my pacifier usually touching the wall along with my nose. Just stand there and do nothing but waiting.
Back to writing my sentence again. It really was an easy task – probably too easy. But I did notice though that the writing got slightly more difficult as the sharp point began to erode from the tip of my crayons.
Corner Time 3
It seemed a lot longer than the first two. My neighbor was no longer cutting his grass so I didn’t have that to listen to. The air conditioning had kicked off, so I couldn’t hear that or feel it against my legs. There was literally nothing. I closed my eyes through most of it. If it wasn’t for the ever growing ache in my feet, I might have actually dozed there. But instead I kept fidgeting my feet more and more for a little brief relief. I thought I was a pretty good judge of time. But this time, I really had no sense of how long had elapsed. I only knew that it seemed to be much longer than I thought. The really funny thing though, is that through most of it, I kept thinking that I felt more like a girl than ever – with my hands resting so normally against my skirt. Odd, but true. Round 3 is finally over.
The final twenty-five lines. You can’t write small with a crayon, so one hundred took up a fair amount of space. Colorful to say the least. But they were done. I’m absolutely sure that writing the lines was a welcome relief from the corner. I know my feet appreciated it.
Corner Time 4
In some ways, this one was the easiest. In some ways, the most difficult. There was really nothing to see again so I closed my eyes through almost all of it. Nothing to hear either except the constant ticking of the timer – amazingly loud and constant. I fidgeted my feet quite a bit for a while, trying to find a bit of relief. I was very disappointed to discover that they hurt just as much and probably even more whenever I managed to lift one off the ground for a second or two.
Early on, I recognized the faint beginnings of having to pee soon. Just standing there, feeling the sensation grow, ever so slowly, then finally peeing – only just a bit. It seemed to occupy my thoughts and make the time go faster. A few minutes later, I got to enjoy it all again. Still disappointingly little came out. But that doesn’t matter. It occupied my mind for quite a while as I savored the mild sensations. And when the timer finally went off, I was pleasantly surprised. I’m done!
All in all, it was an interesting experience. But what did I get out of it? Not much. I was really hoping for something that would stick in my mind to encourage me to be more of the sissy that I have in my mind and to not wander from that ideal. But maybe the fact that the punishment came with an “odd” day in-between spoiled that. To be really honest, the punishment of trying to wear my heels to bed a few nights earlier was much more of an “inspiration” to my self-imposed training. I guess pain had a lot to do with that since I was truly promising myself that I would try much harder to obey all my rules before I finally took those painful shoes off my feet. I didn’t really want to go through that punishment again. - So what did I do? Just as a test, I tried wearing them for a few hours again last night. Oh wow did they hurt again. Once again, I removed them around midnight.
I promise that I’m going to try extra hard to obey all my rules. Punishing myself with the shoes for not obeying them is painful!
So anyway, I did manage to sleep fairly well again – something that’s been amazing me every night so far. My wetting is getting more constant – very little seems to come out each time, but each time it’s also just something going on in the distant background. It barely concerns me at all. Inwardly, I’m just nice and happy about it.
One other tiny thing I should note, I seem to be going long periods now where I completely forget that I’m sucking on a pacifier. Strange, but true.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
ANGER!!! Deep Searing ANGER! Sorry, I have to apologize, but yesterday was one of those days that really re-stoked the fires of rage that have been dwelling within me for the last year. Rage that has quietly been growing for a long, long time. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.
I got a call late yesterday afternoon from my wife. He youngest son (my stepson) called her (way out where she is) to tell her that he was in desperate financial trouble again. This is something that has been going on for years and years. Anyway, instead of going home last night, I had to make an almost two-hour drive to where he lives to get him and his family some money. If it wasn’t for their three kids, we would have washed our hands of their financial problems years ago. But instead they have cost me all my savings, my entire retirement account, and put me into debt to an amount that is more than many people make in a year.
My wife knows how much I am getting angry over all this, and it’s driving her crazy with guilt – since it’s her son that’s done this to us. But at the same time, it is her son and she loves him deeply.
To be sure, he tries so very hard all the time. He’s really a great guy. His wife on the other hand – well lets just say that years ago I categorized her as a professional beggar and since then she’s done nothing but prove me right. Ok, this time (again) it’s not his fault. About a month ago, he showed up late Friday afternoon along with all the rest of the people who worked for the company he was with at the time to get his paycheck. Well he got his check and some other news as well. The company was closing right then and there. No warning of any kind to anyone. Now, it’s happened again! Only this time, the company didn’t even hand out any paychecks. He’s been sitting at home trying to do something, but he has no gas in his car to get to a job if he could find one. He has no minutes available on his cell phone to call anyone about a job, and he and his family are hungry. I ask you, what am I supposed to do? He has absolutely the worst luck – and it’s always been like this.
So anyway, by the time I got home late last night, I was still too upset to even want to think about anything sissy. I stayed in “male” mode and went to bed. I woke up again a little while ago (about 4 am) to go to the bathroom, but when I went back to bed again, I started to really miss my diapers. The longer I laid there, the more I thought about them. So I got up again, and I’m once more diapered, pantyhosed, high-heeled, and have my pacifier back in my mouth (the old friend).
So I apologize for the delay and the rant, but these things happen to me from time to time and I know they’ll happen again. This is one of the reasons why I can never reveal my inner self to anyone, because for my entire life, so many people have always needed and depended on my male self. It’s always been this way, and I guess it always will. I’m proud that I’ve been able to help so many people in so many ways throughout my life, but just once, I’d love to be able to enjoy the real me. So as I’ve said before, I take what little I can get, when I can get it, and I appreciate it all the more when I do. My plans for yesterday are now moved to today – and I’m actually looking forward to it.
I’d like to say a huge thank you to everyone who left comments for me. You’ll never know how much I appreciate it – really!
By the way, I know it’s getting to be summer time, and women never wear them anymore, but has anyone noticed how wonderful pantyhose feel?
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Yesterday (Day 2), I had to run a short errand while on the way home from work. But by the time I finally got home, I had to pee so badly that I could hardly hold it. I’m afraid that once I got home, I hurried straight through the laundry room and straight into the bathroom to pee. I knew there was no way I could hold it long enough to diaper myself first. But it’s more broken rules. The major ones! I keep kicking myself over it, but what should I have done? I guess the obvious answer to that one is that I should have wet myself, or have wet on the floor, or wherever. Sissy babies don’t have any control once they’re home from work.
So, to punish myself, I decided to go through with wearing my heels to bed last night. Pain, pain, pain!!! After two hours, I was in such agony, that I couldn’t take it anymore. I was constantly promising myself that I would stick to all my rules – no matter what – over and over again. And I will! (I hope). I finally had to remove the heels a little after midnight so I could get some relief – and some sleep. I do have to work after all. Even then, my feet felt like I was still wearing the shoes for a very long time because they hurt and burned so badly. Let me tell you, while wearing the shoes, you can’t bend your feet at all. The only position the shoes allow is the one your foot is locked into by the shape of the shoe. And the wide double buckle straps don’t let me even bend my ankles much. I’ve begun to think of that pair of heels as my “punishment shoes” because they hurt when I wear them for walking and they hurt even more to sleep in. I put them on very briefly this morning when I got up, just so that I could wear them to get my other heels (I didn’t want to break another rule about not wearing heels in the house).
So tonight when I get home from work I’m planning on punishing myself for everything – including removing the heels so I could get some sleep. I will write 100 times: “Karen will be a good sissy baby.” It will be done in crayon with each line a different color. After each 25 lines, I will set the kitchen timer for 16 minutes, then stand in the corner holding a penny against the wall with my nose till the timer goes off. All this will be done in my punishment heels. I expect it to be agonizing and tedious to say the least. But I have to learn to obey the rules. If anybody has some other suggestions, I’d be glad to hear them.
I think I’m developing an odd relationship with my pacifier. I hate the thing, yet it’s beginning to feel “normal” in my mouth – which is only right for a big sissy baby I guess.
I’m more than a bit surprised at how easily my body is adapting to peeing and keeping my sphincter muscles relaxed all the time. Especially at night. Last night (after I removed the shoes) there were a lot of times when I was only sort of aware that I was going to pee. It was kind of just in the background somewhere. Maybe someday I’ll actually be able to sleep completely through it all. And when I’m awake it’s getting easier and easier too. In fact, I just now wet myself while I was typing and I’m sitting here trying to remember if I knew I was going to before it happened. This is getting very close to one of my goals for myself – to wet myself without realizing it’s going to happen.
I just now got through with my daily treadmill waddle. I’m definitely having a problem with keeping my muscles relaxed while walking – especially the faster I walk. I guess I should tell you a little about my relax exercise. There’s not much to it really. I normally lie down and then just try to relax those muscles over and over again. Each time I think I’ve got them as completely relaxed as they can get, I always seem to find another level to relax them to. Over and over again. Deeper and deeper. The trick then is to keep them that way all the rest of the time. I try to remember how that deep relaxation felt, then keep it that way all the time. But I’ve discovered that it’s most difficult while walking. Hence, practicing on the treadmill.
I guess I’m due for an interesting day – well, evening anyway.
Monday, May 12, 2008
I headed into town, straight toward a large shoe store that I hoped was still there, and it was, and it was busy! Who’d think that so many women would be out shopping then. But, for some unknown reason, I wasn’t all that intimidated or scared. Maybe I was just overly tired and determined, but I went right in and searched the shelves. Yes, it was embarrassing for me to realize that so many people were watching me look at all the women’s shoes, but I kept at it, diligently searching for something I wanted in my size (preferably 10 ½ or 11). I finally settled on a pair of black pumps with a nice high slim heel (I love pumps like that), but I also wanted a pair of heels that would buckle onto my foot so I couldn’t just slip out of them too easily. That was a bit more of a problem – especially finding something suitable in my size. I finally found a pair with a very high heel and a wide strap that would buckle around my ankle, but the largest size I could find was a size 10. Well, I used to wear size 10, so I took a chance and bought them too. With all the women shopping in there (along with a lot of kids) I didn’t feel it was too wise to try any of the shoes on in the store, so I carried them to the counter and handed them to the guy who was behind the counter. Thank you, thank you, he didn’t say a word about them being for me, only asked if I found everything all right. In fact, he acted like men buying women’s shoes was the most normal thing in the world – I wish it were!
So when I got home, I finally got undressed, inserted my first suppository, diapered myself, and got dressed. Thankfully, both pairs of shoes fit really well – especially the size 10 pair. Then I finally got my blog started.
Once I had finally posted my first blog entry, it hit me. I was “locking” myself into a set of rules that would make life very difficult for me. I would be forcing myself to be a big sissy baby for the next two weeks. And I was already having second thoughts about some of those rules. For one thing, I was already getting really tired of sucking on my pacifier, for another, did I really want to wear pantyhose to work? But I had set my own rules and had also published them, and I’m going to do my best to comply with them.
So for day one, how did I do? Some good and some bad I guess, mostly I did pretty well. I never took one step in my house (and it’s a fairly large house) that wasn’t in high heels. Yes, my feet did start to get sore, but I know that that’s all part of it. The pumps that I bought have a 3 ½ inch heel, and the other pair with the straps have a 4 ½ inch heel. I love them both, but I’m going to have to get used to wearing heels again.
I never even considered using the toilet and used my diapers for everything. Fortunately, nothing ever happened from that first suppository I inserted. I guess that emergency rest stop on the highway cleaned me out pretty well. But… I was so tired last night when I diapered myself for bed, that I forgot to insert the next suppository. One rule broken!
I did manage to keep the pacifier in my mouth at all times – when something else wasn’t in it. I only drank from my baby bottle and when I was done, the pacifier went right back in again (yes, it’s still there now).
I edged-milked myself into another baby bottle before my night diapering and while I thought I had gotten a lot out of me, I was surprised to see how little there actually was.
All evening long, I had to work at keeping myself relaxed so as not to interfere with when I had to go. It seemed to be particularly difficult yesterday. But… wonder of wonders, during the night, something must have clicked, because my muscles seem to be almost “locked” into that state. I slept fitfully, but better than I expected. I woke up often to wet myself all night. But there were definitely a few times when I realized that I was wetting myself before I knew I was going to. Now, if I could just sleep thought it all. That would make me very happy!
So now, it’s a little before 6 am on the second day. My three diapers are very full. I can’t even think about putting my legs together. I can only waddle when I walk. And it’s time for my daily waddle on the treadmill.
So far, only one rule broken. I haven’t decided weather to punish myself tonight for it by wearing the heels to bed. I hope I don’t.
Wow, the treadmill was interesting to say the least. My diapers are so thick that they’re keeping my legs spread fairly wide. Wide enough that when I walk on the treadmill, my feet are sometimes touching the runners on each side. I normally start out around 3 mph and use that as my basic speed, but that was way too fast today. I had to start at 2 mph instead and I finally worked my way up to 3 mph. My waddle is forcing me to take much smaller steps than I thought. The entire time I was on there, I felt like a little toddler holding the hand of a grownup and trying desperately to keep up. It was so difficult that I kept forgetting about trying to keep my muscles relaxed – and they weren’t. I had to keep trying over and over again to relax them while I walked – hence the reason for the exercise in the first place.
One other note, I’m also starting to wonder if maybe there isn’t something else in the back of my diaper besides pee. I only remember passing a little gas last night and nothing else, but I won’t know for sure till I can change for work.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
So… My wife is going to be gone for the next two weeks, and I intend to “play” a bit. I’ve set myself some rules that I’m going to try to follow for the next two weeks. As money and purchases permit, I may add to these rules as I can. So here’s how I’m starting:
1. Diapers are to be worn at all times when not at work (minimum 2).
2. No toilets are to be used - except at work.
3. Sphincter muscles must be kept totally relaxed at all times when not at work. No control - period - when not at work - no matter where or what.
4. Pantyhose are to be worn at all times, even to work.
5. High-heels are to be worn at all times when in the house, except for showers, treadmill, and sleeping. Keep them in the laundry room when leaving and put them back on when entering.
6. No male pants are allowed to be worn in the house. Also keep them in the laundry room when leaving and put back on when entering.
7. A pacifier is to be kept in my mouth at all times when at home. Also keep in laundry room when leaving.
8. All liquids are to be from a baby bottle when at home – no exceptions.
9. I must “edge” myself over and over again every night - without organism, just before my bedtime diapering – catching all my drippings in a baby bottle. Store the bottle in the freezer. Friday night, I must drink evey drop from that bottle before I’m allowed to finally have the big ‘O’ – once again in the baby bottle.
10. Insert one suppository every day after work and another one at bedtime to remind me that I can have no control of anything.
11. Minimum of two diapers are to be worn at all times when not at work. At least three for bedtime. No diaper changes for at least four hours.
12. If I decide I need to be punished for breaking a rule, one possible punishment is to have to wear my heels to sleep in all night too (painful).
13. I must do my sphincter relaxing exercise at least twice every day. Suggest at first diaper change and again at bedtime.
14. I must work out on the treadmill every morning – practicing my sphincter relaxing exercises while walking. (I’ve noticed that I have a problem with unconsciously tightening up whenever I walk).
And what do I want to get out of this? Well, I’ve played a bit before – only with a really great email dom. But when I did it, all I could think about – 24 hours a day – was what my dom wanted me to do next. I was so excited about it, that I couldn’t think about anything else. So this time, I’m doing it the lonely way – by myself, so that I can at least attempt to get some other things done. What I’m hoping for, is that eventually, I can once again get myself to the point where I’m wetting myself before I even realize I have to.
Can I do it? Can I actually keep to all my rules? Can I last the two weeks? Only time will tell!