Thursday, May 15, 2008

Lonely Adventure Journal - Day 4

I’d like to apologize again for my rant yesterday, but these things happen from time to time. It was interesting to be able to express myself somewhere about it. And thank you Dani once again for your very kind comment.

Yesterday was a fairly nice day for me. And yes, I did obey every one of my rules – steadfastly! And last night I also did go through with my planned “punishment” (if you can call it that).

First though, I guess I should let you know that for once the suppository I inserted when I got home from work did its job much faster than ever before. I had barely finished dinner and was just getting ready to begin my tasks when it hit me – it certainly didn’t last all that long, but it felt like I was filling the back of my diaper with an awful lot. But there was nothing I could do about it. I had diapered myself not too long before and I couldn’t remove them till it was time to change into my night diapers. Fortunately, it turned out to be no problem at all. It was just something else that I was aware of all evening.

I guess I should digress for a moment and tell you about my diapering a bit. I use two during the day and three at night. I cut slits in the inner diapers to let the pee drain through into the outer diapers as necessary. After taping them in place, I take clear wide packing tape and wrap that twice around my waist – as tightly as possible. Then I take and wrap another layer lower down to make sure all the lower tapes won’t come undone either. This has two affects. Not only does it prevent the diaper tapes from “popping” open, but there is absolutely no way at all that I can remove my diapers without cutting them off with a good heavy pair of scissors – and even then it’s not easy. So once I’m in them, I’m stuck. I can’t even think about using a toilet – for anything.

Anyway, it felt good to be diapered and dressed again. Really good. I was even wearing my highest heels – purposely – and enjoying them. I had gotten a new box of crayons on Tuesday so I was all ready to write my lines. “Karen will be a good sissy baby.” Over and over again. Each line in a different color. I wrote them on some very large pieces of paper that I keep here for the grandkids to use when they want to draw or color. Twenty-five times. No problem at all. It was an interesting and very easy task. Then it was corner time for fifteen minutes. I grabbed my penny that I was going to hold against the wall with my nose and set the timer.

Now I should first tell you that I’ve never stood in the corner before. So this was going to be a very new experience for me. I tried to take notes after each experience.

Corner time 1

At one point, early on, I remember thinking about pink nail polish on my fingernails. For some reason the thought turned me on. Mostly though, I thought about how my heels felt on my feet. More and more of a low-key ache. I worried about how they might feel later.

There is absolutely no way you can tell how much time has passed. The only stimulation is the ticking of the timer. All I could see was the wall ahead of me; shadowed more to my left where the corner was, brighter off to my right. A few times, I simply closed my eyes, there was nothing to see.

Several times I started to worry about moving and the penny falling. Then I would have to start over again. But I didn’t and the penny stayed put. There were a few close calls though, when my breathing got a bit bigger than I expected and my body moved a bit as result. But I soon discovered that to keep that penny there, I couldn’t move a bit. My left arm was trapped by the wall. I started to move my right arm up, but stopped quickly because I felt my pressure on the penny changing. I tried to move my feet a bit, which were pressed close together, but that offered too much chance of me dropping the penny too. I didn’t dare move an inch.

I was totally surprised when the alarm finally rang, so much so, that the penny dropped quickly to the ground.
Round 1 done. Not too bad at all.

Then it was back to write my sentence twenty-five more times – in living color. Actually, a welcome relief from the corner. But twenty-five is a relatively small number.

Corner time 2

It seemed easier at first this time, but that didn’t’ really last. For the first little while my feet didn’t seem to hurt as much. But there was no stimulation. I listened to my neighbor cutting his grass next door. I felt the air-conditioner blowing on my legs below my skirt. But there wasn’t much else. For long periods of time, I just closed my eyes because it was easier than seeming to be cross-eyed staring at the blank wall in front of me.

Later, I began to really wonder how much longer it would be. I knew a lot of time had passed, but I found myself really hoping that most of my time was already up. It wasn’t.

Still later, my feet began to ache again. I moved them carefully just a bit for relief, but relief was very short lived.

Mostly, I could only stand there, my nose holding the penny to the wall in front of me, the back of my pacifier usually touching the wall along with my nose. Just stand there and do nothing but waiting.

Back to writing my sentence again. It really was an easy task – probably too easy. But I did notice though that the writing got slightly more difficult as the sharp point began to erode from the tip of my crayons.

Corner Time 3

It seemed a lot longer than the first two. My neighbor was no longer cutting his grass so I didn’t have that to listen to. The air conditioning had kicked off, so I couldn’t hear that or feel it against my legs. There was literally nothing. I closed my eyes through most of it. If it wasn’t for the ever growing ache in my feet, I might have actually dozed there. But instead I kept fidgeting my feet more and more for a little brief relief. I thought I was a pretty good judge of time. But this time, I really had no sense of how long had elapsed. I only knew that it seemed to be much longer than I thought. The really funny thing though, is that through most of it, I kept thinking that I felt more like a girl than ever – with my hands resting so normally against my skirt. Odd, but true. Round 3 is finally over.

The final twenty-five lines. You can’t write small with a crayon, so one hundred took up a fair amount of space. Colorful to say the least. But they were done. I’m absolutely sure that writing the lines was a welcome relief from the corner. I know my feet appreciated it.

Corner Time 4

In some ways, this one was the easiest. In some ways, the most difficult. There was really nothing to see again so I closed my eyes through almost all of it. Nothing to hear either except the constant ticking of the timer – amazingly loud and constant. I fidgeted my feet quite a bit for a while, trying to find a bit of relief. I was very disappointed to discover that they hurt just as much and probably even more whenever I managed to lift one off the ground for a second or two.

Early on, I recognized the faint beginnings of having to pee soon. Just standing there, feeling the sensation grow, ever so slowly, then finally peeing – only just a bit. It seemed to occupy my thoughts and make the time go faster. A few minutes later, I got to enjoy it all again. Still disappointingly little came out. But that doesn’t matter. It occupied my mind for quite a while as I savored the mild sensations. And when the timer finally went off, I was pleasantly surprised. I’m done!

All in all, it was an interesting experience. But what did I get out of it? Not much. I was really hoping for something that would stick in my mind to encourage me to be more of the sissy that I have in my mind and to not wander from that ideal. But maybe the fact that the punishment came with an “odd” day in-between spoiled that. To be really honest, the punishment of trying to wear my heels to bed a few nights earlier was much more of an “inspiration” to my self-imposed training. I guess pain had a lot to do with that since I was truly promising myself that I would try much harder to obey all my rules before I finally took those painful shoes off my feet. I didn’t really want to go through that punishment again. - So what did I do? Just as a test, I tried wearing them for a few hours again last night. Oh wow did they hurt again. Once again, I removed them around midnight.

I promise that I’m going to try extra hard to obey all my rules. Punishing myself with the shoes for not obeying them is painful!

So anyway, I did manage to sleep fairly well again – something that’s been amazing me every night so far. My wetting is getting more constant – very little seems to come out each time, but each time it’s also just something going on in the distant background. It barely concerns me at all. Inwardly, I’m just nice and happy about it.

One other tiny thing I should note, I seem to be going long periods now where I completely forget that I’m sucking on a pacifier. Strange, but true.

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