I’m guessing that a lot of what I’ll probably write about today will be of no interest to most of you, but it’s important to me, so for my own sanity, I’m going to be trying to write about it.
But first of all I need to tell you that I got an unexpected phone call late last night from my wife. She has been gone since the end of July to help out with her father who has had some clogged arteries – along with some other issues. We thought she would only be gone for a week or two but it has turned into a month now. It was finally looking like next weekend I would be driving out to pick her up and finally bring her home again. But last night things took a quick turn for the worse. She said she was really calling just to update me and to warn me that she would probably not be coming home any time soon. But I know her better than that. She called me because she’s so worried. I don’t blame her. I only wish I were there right now to hold her and support her better. But at least the phone is better than nothing. I don’t know when she’ll be coming home now – maybe it will be next weekend. I have three days off next weekend so no matter what, I’ll probably be driving out to see her. Maybe she’ll be coming home, but probably not.
So the end result of this is that aside from a quick trip next weekend to see my wife, I’ll probably be staying in diapers and dresses for a while longer. And I’m beginning to have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand I do miss my wife. But on the other hand I have so much enjoyed doing what I’m doing that I never want it to stop. I really, really love acting like I’m totally incontinent and have made some very real progress in those lines. But on the other hand this has gone on so long that it truly has become very real progress – and that’s a sobering thought.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking slightly lately about some of the changes in me that I’ve noticed over the last month. Ok, I admit it, and I’ve said it elsewhere before. I’ve always wanted to be a girl and the end result is that I’m really more comfortable in girl’s clothes than when I have to be a man. Long, long ago I stopped being sexually excited by wearing them and instead just longed even more to be truly female. All the dressing I’ve been able to do in the last month has only made this even more so. And suddenly I find myself obsessing about the fact that my lipstick doesn’t match the color of my nails or the only tops I have aren’t really what I want.
And my fingernails – I shouldn’t even get started on that one. I’m positively angry over that fact that I broke one of them last week and it’s not as long and pretty as the other ones are. Which by the way are now becoming more and more like those glue-on nails I wore a while back. I find myself having to use them to press any buttons. I keep accidently hitting the wrong keys on the keyboard. And more and more I love painting them to make them look even more feminine. Even when I’m not wearing nail polish they look a lot like I have a French manicure. And yes I have “shaped” them a tiny bit two or three times now to make them look prettier. I know I’m going to have to cut them next week and I’m absolutely sick over it.
The more I get to wear my pretty clothes, the more it seems I don’t want to have to wear anything masculine. I keep wanting desperately to be able to go out to the store in just my comfortable girly jeans and heels and a pretty top, or perhaps my nice skirt instead of the jeans. They’re really just everyday girl clothes, nothing fancy. But I love wearing them. It would be so easy for me to go shopping dressed like that. But unfortunately, I can’t. And even all dressed up and my makeup done as well as I can, I still don’t look the least bit passable. Drat!
Then there’s the other side of me. My baby side. And I love this side too. I think that this is the side that probably fuels most of my sexual feelings and desires. There is a lot of need for me to feel a tiny bit humiliated too and somehow everything in me is all tied together in one complicated knot.
For the first time in my life I’ve actually (for real) been wearing diapers 24/7. The only time I use a toilet is when I’m at work and have to avoid messing myself. When I’m home, I am totally incontinent. And I work at it. A few weeks ago I even purchased a set of hypnotic recordings to help me with it. And I have no doubts at all that I’m very different than I was a month ago.
But before I go further, let me go back and say that I still retain full control while I’m at work. This is probably because I do it every day. Yes, I still don’t drink hardly anything all day long to keep my peeing down to a minimum. But even there I’ve noticed that I’m having a harder and harder time holding back for very long. It’s like my muscles have weakened a bit and once the urge builds up enough, I start to leak a bit. Fortunately this also relieves the pressure that I’m fighting against – usually.
But as soon as work is over, I immediately go back to what has become my incontinent mode – where I have no control at all over anything. I try to listen to my hypnotic recordings to reinforce this at least once a day. This weekend I plan to listen to them at least twice a day. The result is that it’s like I truly can’t control that part of me at all.
More and more often now, I wet myself without even realizing I even needed to pee. I only know about it because it’s coming out of me. And mostly now I completely ignore the fact that I’m peeing. I do it so often that it doesn’t even matter. It hardly even registers on my brain. Yes, sometimes I do feel the pressure build and I know I’m going to pee, but I really don’t know when it’s going to come out. And to tell the truth, my mind usually goes back to what it was thinking about before I realized the pressure was there and it comes as a surprise once again to find that I’m wetting myself.
I know the tapes have never really hypnotized me. But that hasn’t stopped them from having an affect on me. The more I listen to them, the less control I seem to have. So often I no longer even know how to contact those muscles in my body anymore – not that I even want to. And just like the tapes say, the more I wear diapers and wet my diapers, the more I’ll love it. And that seems to be so true.
Unbelievably, the best part for me now is when I’m sleeping. So many times when I’ve played in the past I’ve yearned to be able to just wet myself when I’m sleeping. I’ve always woken up and had to wait till it was over and then try to go back to sleep again – usually without success – and then the urge to pee would hit me again and I’d be starting all over again. Even when I’m not “playing” and in total male mode, I have a slight prostrate problem that makes me get up two or three times a night and I hate it. But now… I wet all the time without knowing I’m going to do it. The result is that I’m actually getting more sleep. And I love it!!! I guess I am still realizing it in the back of my mind every time I wet myself though. I’m not quite sleeping through it completely, but it’s so much in the background that I’m barely even aware of it anymore and I hardly give it a second thought. I don’t think I’m wetting myself without knowing it at all, but I have woken up in the middle of the night thinking that my diaper seemed to be very wet, but I couldn’t remember wetting.
These and a thousand other little subtle differences have been on my mind. And I love every one of them.
I’m still looking forward to my first orgasm tomorrow night – and I still don’t have a clue how I’m going to go about doing it. Dani suggested using a pair of silky panties which sounds nice. But I don’t have any panties at all. I have diapers instead.