Thursday, April 23, 2009

The First Fork

We all have these defining moments in our lives when things happen, then later we start to wonder – What if I had done it differently. Or we have purposely made decisions one way, knowing in our hearts that we really wanted to decide otherwise. These are kind of forks in the road of life for us. What if we had taken the other path instead of the one we’re on? Yeah, I wonder about that often. And there are several “forks” in my life that I think about a lot. Today I’d like to share with you one of the very first forks in my road. One that I still think about a lot – even though it happened many, many years ago.

I know many of you have come upon your need for crossdressing (or other) through some kind of major event that triggered it. Others, like me, were born with it. There was never any event. For me, my most vivid earliest memories are of yearning to be a girl. But please understand, I was born in the 1950’s – it was a totally different world then. But I’m not going to go into that here.

My father died when I was eleven years old. My mother had to raise me and my brother (four years younger than I am) on not much more than social security and Veteran’s benefits. But back then, life was still good and though we didn’t have lots of money, we hardly realized it.

My mother had always wanted a girl. Badly! But instead she had two sons. And please keep in mind that I was not only the first born, I was the “golden child.” The oldest boy – make that the oldest child period – in the entire extended family. And yes, I was a super good kid. I didn’t get into trouble (ever). I was very bright and unusually talented in some areas. But back then, desires such as I had were never mentioned. They were kept completely hidden – instinctively! So nobody ever knew of my hidden desires.

My first major fork (as I define it) occurred the year after my father died. And this fork in the road was so defining that it is forever burned into my memory.

Halloween was approaching (remember when I said that my mother had always wanted a girl?). Well… My mother sat my brother and I down in the living room to talk with both of us. And she asked us first, politely, if either of us would like to dress up as a girl for Halloween. Of course we both said no immediately. But my mother didn’t stop there. She began telling us how she would dress us – including a bra with falsies and a pretty dress or skirt. She mentioned everything including a wig and makeup and shoes. There was no doubt about how excited she was about the idea. She was really pleading with us for at least one of us to dress like a girl. And the big idiot that I was – and still am – I still refused, claiming it would be too embarrassing. And naturally, my brother refused too. And yes, it would have been a major embarrassment for me to be seen by my friends that way. And yes, my mother was crushed. But the embarrassment… And… even then I had drilled myself into keeping my desires so hidden that nobody could ever guess.

But I have to admit that even as I was telling my mother no, I was really wanting to say yes very badly. I am still haunted by that decision today. What if I had said yes? Would I have then admitted my true desires to my mother? Would my mother and I have become even closer? Would it have gained me the chance to dress like a girl more often? Of course there’s no way to know. One of the probable results if I ever had told my mother would have been that she would have been crushed in some way and disappointed in me and would have looked for professional mental help for me.

But even now, I often dream about it – wishing. But back then, as I said, desires such as mine were kept hidden. And I was the “golden child.” Of all the boys in the family (all but one of all my cousins were boys too) I was the first and the best. Everyone trusted and looked up to me. There couldn’t possibly be any weakness in me. Nothing in any way could possibly be wrong with me. The entire family was proud of me. I had an image to live up to. And I had to be the man in the family now that my father was gone. And for the most part, I guess I did live up to all their expectations. But doing so has never in the least quenched my thirst for being feminine.

This was the first major fork in the road of my life – as it pertains to the subject here. There have been others that I think about often too. Maybe I’ll relate another one of them next time.

I guess we are who we are on the outside… and we are who we are on the inside. And society dictates which is going to be the defining self – usually the one on the outside. Over the years, I’ve watched things change – very slowly to be sure, but there is still change and broader acceptance. Now, at my age, not just my family, but the entire world has this image of me that they expect me to live up to. The world expects me to be a man. So I am a man – on the outside. But my inner self is still yearning to look pretty once in a while and to express a bit of the girl that is inside me.

So please, for me, think something girlish and fun today – something that makes you feel good inside – and smile about it.

1 comment:

Pretty Sissy Dani said...

Wow! I never had anything like that happen to me...and it it had, in the period after I knew about my desire to dress like a girl, I don't know what I would have done. Like you, I probably would have adamantly refused the offer, while secretly wishing Mom would just go ahead and make me do it!