Sunday, May 10, 2009

Why I Don't Shave My Legs

Yeah, I know, shame on me! I’d love to shave my legs. In fact I’d love to shave my whole body. Strike that! That’s not quite an accurate statement. Rather – I’d love for my legs and my entire body to be completely hairless and smooth from the eyebrows down. Now that’s a much more accurate statement.

So why don’t I just shave it all? Well, there are other factors involved here. And I’ll bet that I’m not alone in some of these.

First of all, you’ve got to understand that I’m an extremely hairy beast. Almost my entire body is covered with very, very thick hair. And I hate it all. I think I shed almost as much as my dog does – sometimes more. And I hate that too. So why don’t I shave it?

Most men often wear shorts in the summertime. I rarely ever do. I rarely ever even wear them out in my own backyard, or even in the house. That stupid thick hair that covers my body… well, every time the slightest breeze blows against it, it feels like bugs crawling on my skin. I hate that. Sometimes, when I’m outside, there really are bugs crawling on me and I can’t really see them through all that stupid hair. I hate that too. So why don’t I shave?

Also, I just plain don’t like the way all that hair looks. Yeah, I know, I’m strange, but it’s true. While most guys like the hair on their bodies, I really don’t care for the way it looks. So why don’t I shave it?

Ok, it’s time to look at the stupid reasons why all that hair is still there.

Stupid reason number 1. My wife likes it. Why? I don’t have a clue. Maybe it makes me look more masculine or something. Personally, I don’t see it. Whenever I ask her why she likes it, she just says she does. It’s not like she touches or rubs it much.

Stupid reason number 2. I’ve always been super hairy, and everybody knows it. Even all the grandkids. We have a pool. They all come to our house to use it. Suddenly being hairless would cause a lot of questions from a lot of family members. I could get past that, but it would probably be better if I didn’t have to.

And the biggie… Stupid reason number 3. I did shave my legs once, many years ago when I was still single. It took me hours (believe it or not) to shave just my legs. They were nice and smooth. I was very surprised to find that my skin felt more like leather than anything else and not nearly as nice as I had hoped. But still it was nice… for exactly 30 minutes. Almost exactly 30 minutes after I had finished shaving my legs, the pain set in; the pain from the constant pin-like pricks of all those hairs growing back out. I couldn’t believe it had lasted such a short time. But the painful pin-pricks lasted a full three months till the hairs had grown back in long enough to be soft again. Every time I tried to put my legs together (and they constantly rubbed against each other at the top), those little pin like hairs would stick me – and there were lots of them. Every time I moved – like walking or sitting – those tiny pin like hairs would let me know it as they scratched against the fabric of my pants. It’s absolutely unbelievable how much each of those hairs acted just like a nerve ending. Everything they touched felt like pain. The worst though was when my legs got too close together and the pin pricks from both legs forced me to keep them apart. Not comfortable, believe me.

A couple of hours to shave my legs, 30 minutes of leather-like skin, and three of the most painful months I can remember. Trust me, the experience has imprinted on my brain a very real dread of actually shaving my legs – or the rest of me either.

I’ve often thought about going for laser treatments and I’m not at all afraid of that kind of pain. But they’re expensive and I’ve still got the first couple of reasons to consider too.

Now here’s a stupid little joke. Lately, I’ve noticed that all the hair around my ankles has diminished to almost nothing. I guess my socks have worn it all away sort of permanently (unless I’m going bald around my ankles like I am on the very top of my head). But not the hair on my feet, that all seems to still be there. It’s just my ankles.

So… for the last week or so, I’ve been plucking hairs – kind of like I do to my bushy eyebrows once in a while. I’m just doing this every day. I pluck a couple of hairs from both ankles or feet. Then I grab a couple from each shoulder, and then two or three from my chest. Why? I’m kind of hoping that losing a few hairs over a real long time won’t be noticed as much. Since I’m plucking them out, maybe they won’t grow back quite as fast or as strong as before. And, I keep thinking that the next time I get to play, that it might be nice to look down and see a little less hair through my stockings or around my shoulders and chest. Does that sound as desperate to you as it does to me? Don’t answer that! Oh the stupid mental games we all play. I guess this is just my latest.

Anyway, that’s why I don’t shave my body. Now watch, I’ll figure out a way to make it happen despite these reasons. I’m thinking about it.

Dream big y’all.

1 comment:

Pretty Sissy Dani said...

I was blessed with a relatively hairless I've never dealt with your problems. But I've spoken with others who have and here are some suggestions:

Don't try to remove all the hair at once. That's sure to be noticed. Do it a little at a time.

Try using hair remover instead of a suppresses the hair growth and the stuff that comes back tends to be lighter and finer.

As an alternative, try bleaching the hair (works especially well on arms, I'm told).

BTW, I'm glad you finally posted again...I was worried that you were having problems.