My Funny Farm - Chapter 1 – Rule of Thumb – Part 1 of 2

 

My Funny Farm

By Karen Singer

 

They all said they just wanted to save his life, but some of them had other agendas.

 

Chapter 1 – Rule of Thumb – Part 1 of 2

 

Before I begin, let me get one thing perfectly straight.  It’s not my fault!  We’ll it is, sort of, but it’s really not!  It wasn’t my idea to wind up wearing diapers and dresses and stuff.  Well, it sort of was my idea, but it really wasn’t.  I didn’t want this!  Well, yes I did…sort of.  But the truth is that I didn’t want this!

Oh hell!  Where do I even begin to try and explain this.  They say the best place to start is at the beginning, but…was there a beginning?  I’m not really sure.  And if there was a beginning, what beginning was that?

So okay, I’ll go back.  Back to a time when life was filled with trees and flowers and chirping birds, and basket-weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes, and they're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-ha.  To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time and…

Sorry.  That song is far older than any of you.  Just remember, it wasn’t my fault!  Got it?  Okay.

Shit!  Where the hell is the beginning?  Maybe I should tell you a bit about me instead.  The real me.  The normal me!  My name is Craig Bryson, but to most of my family, I’m simply known as Gramps.  Yeah, I’m not a spring chicken anymore.  In fact, I’m sixty-eight years old and retired.  I don’t work.  I’ve had enough of work.  Retirement suits me perfectly!  Well, it did.  I’m not so sure anymore.  But once again I’m getting ahead of myself.

My wife, Rachael, died suddenly about a year ago, which put a big stop to most of our retirement plans.  It wasn’t something I could ever foresee.  The end result of it was that I was left all alone in this big old house, which in truth, I didn’t mind at all, with the exception of wanting to commit suicide since she left without me.  If my wife wasn’t there with me, I didn’t want anyone else around, and I was seriously thinking that maybe that should include me.  And when it came to the kids and the grandkids, well okay, they could come for  a visit – once in a while only.  A quick visit, after which they could all get back to their busy lives and leave me alone!

Without my wife, I wanted to be alone.  In fact, I preferred it.  But well…fate likes to play strange tricks on you.  But I’m getting ahead of myself again.

Look, I’m a guy okay.  A normal guy…well, I was…sort of.  Anyway, since my wife was gone and I was alone, I began to have all these yearnings.  Yearnings that drove me to the internet for…uh…education.  Is that a good way of putting it?  Okay – porn!  At first I looked at women.  But then well, I got fascinated with other aspects of what I was looking at, particularly a lot of the BDSM junk, especially male domination.  Hey!  Who was I hurting looking at that stuff?  Nobody!  But to keep going, the male domination stuff soon led me to males being forced into sissy behavior, and from there came the domination offshoot of diapers!

Yeah, it was a bit of a journey, but after a few months I became absolutely obsessed with the sissy diaper domination stuff.  I almost couldn’t get enough of it.  So much so, that I was actually planning on buying myself some diapers and also some women’s dresses and shoes and stuff.  Hey, I was alone, remember?  A – L – O – N – E!  Who was I hurting?  Nobody!  And since I was alone, who was going to find out?

Okay, remember that I said fate likes to play strange tricks on you?  The trick is that I never got to order any of that stuff.  None of it!  And I was very glad!  Okay, I was a bit perturbed as well, but…well, fate of course.  Fate, and the fact that family is family, and despite the fact that I didn’t want any of them around, I’ve always considered that family is one of the most important things in life.  So when a family member needs something you can easily help with, you don’t hesitate.  Even though yes, I hesitated, big time!  Did I mention I liked being alone?  But…well…fate.  And they asked nicely.  How could I possibly say no?  So I said yes.

Before I knew it, I was no longer alone in my house, and I had to learn how to live with two other people, my youngest granddaughter Emily, and her…boyfriend Jared, who she had been living with for the past two years.  Why didn’t they believe in marriage?  Oh well.  They were essentially married…even though they weren’t.

My granddaughter, Emily, and her…non-husband Jared needed a cheap place to live.  Jared had just gotten a job as a plant maintenance worker and Emily had recently been hired to be the girl’s gym teacher at one of the local middle schools.  You’d think between the two of them that they could easily afford their own house (or two), but they were looking for something cheaper, and they immediately thought about my big house just sitting here empty and not being used.  It wasn’t empty.  I lived here.  And did I mention that I liked living here alone?  But, well, family is family, and of course…fate.  So I said, sure.  Why not!

Why not?  Now, after months of them being here, and everything that’s happened to me, I can give you a wealth of “why nots!”  But again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Suddenly, my house was not so quiet anymore.  Em and Jared lived in one of the bedrooms upstairs and now I could often hear them running and playing up there, not to mention lots of excited laughter echoing through the house as they…played.  Once, I briefly caught sight of both of them wearing some strange leather outfits.  That was weird.  No telling what those two were doing exactly, but I figured I was better off not knowing.

I did my best to adjust my life to them being there, cutting my alone time down to only when they were both at work.  I figured it was probably better that they were there anyway since it kept me from actually indulging in some of those warped fantasies I had been developing.

Okay.  Let’s cut to the chase.  The part where things didn’t just start to go bad.  The bad stuff fell on me like a ton of bricks.

I was home alone.  Em and Jared were at work.  With nobody there, I was free to turn to my favorite internet sites and peruse the sissy porn to my heart’s content.  And I was content doing it.  It was the stuff that filled my dreams now.  But then, well…fate again.

“What’s that?” the unexpected voice came.

I turned away from my computer and looked up…horrified!  Em was in the doorway to my home office, and she could see the porn I was looking at.  Before I could turn it off, she was behind me looking over my shoulder.  I quickly minimized my internet browser.

“I didn’t hear you come in,” I told her.  “You’re supposed to be at school.”

She ignored what I said.  “Open it up.  I want to see.”

“No!  And I’m a grown man, and I can look at what I want.”

“Of course,” she agreed.  “And I’m a grown woman.”

I wasn’t absolutely sure about that.  As my youngest granddaughter, I often thought of her as a child.  But the truth is, she was out of college now and working as a teacher.

She suddenly reached around me and grabbed my hand that was resting on the computer mouse.  I fought with her.  “No!  Stop that!” I told her.  But her hand was strong.  Too strong!  Uh…did I mention that she was a middle school gym teacher and was obsessed with exercise?  Yeah, she was strong.  Much stronger than my aging body probably ever was.  She was literally all muscle!  Still, I fought with her over it, and like it or not, she was winning.  She literally pressed the mouse button despite my hand being below hers.  The web browser sprang to life again and there was nothing I could do to stop her from looking at the embarrassing content I had been occupying myself with.

“Cool,” she said as she took a moment to see exactly what I was looking at.

Her reaction surprised me.  Um…I won’t tell you exactly what was on the screen, but…well…yeah, it involved diapers and dresses and sissy stuff.

“Lots of people wearing diapers,” she noted.  “And lots of guys in stupid looking dresses…with diapers.”  And then she laughed.

Ugh!  “Can you just leave it alone,” I told her.  “It’s no big deal.”

“But you obviously like looking at it,” she said.

“Sometimes,” I admitted.  “Now move.  Let me turn it off.  What are you doing here anyway?”

“Teacher’s day,” she explained, her hand still controlling the mouse, right over top of my hand.  “We only needed to be there half a day.”

She was still scrolling down the page to see more of the junk I was into.

“Stop!” I said as I shook my hand on the mouse.

She laughed and finally removed her hand.  She leaned over and kissed my cheek.  “Enjoy!” she said before taking off with another laugh.

Frustrated with life, I closed down the web browser and shut down my computer.  I didn’t need her to see any of that stuff.  That was my private business.  Just like whatever those two got into upstairs was their business.  Leather outfits?  Their business, not mine.  I just hoped nothing would come from what she had seen.  I should have hoped harder.

 

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I had a big house.  My wife had gone to heaven without me.  I was not quite alone all the time, but much of the time.  And the truth was, those young people running helter-skelter around my house when they were there was starting to grate on my nerves.  I wanted to be alone!  I wanted quiet!  I wanted…my wife back.  Every way I looked at the situation, there was no way for me to win.  So why should I bother trying?  Why should I put up with the constant irritation and worry?  Why should I…keep living?

One day, it simply got too much for me.  Em and Jarad had been out at work all day and I had been moping around the house by myself, as usual.  My wife wasn’t there to fill it with the warmth I wanted to feel again.  Nothing had been right since she had left me.  Why should I keep trying to live?  I couldn’t think of one good reason.  So I decided to end it all.  Put a stop to my depression.  Let the young kids have the big house all to themselves.  Let them run it into the ground to their hearts’ content.  I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. 

So I slit my wrists.

I woke up in the hospital with my daughter, Ashley, watching over me.  I didn’t even know she was there until a few seconds after I realized where I was, and that I was still alive…unfortunately.  But the moment she grabbed her hand and leaned over me, I wished again that I hadn’t woken up.

“Dad!  You’re awake!”  She seemed to be relieved.  “What did you do to yourself?  Why Dad, why?”

I looked up into her pretty eyes.  How could I have sired such a pretty creature?  “I miss her,” I said.  “I miss her so much.”

She looked down at me.  “Yeah, me too,” she said.  “We all do.  But that’s no reason for you to try and kill yourself!”

How little she knew.  She might be married now, but she hadn’t yet lived almost her entire life being so dedicated to one single person.  A dedication between the two of us that made us both feel more like one single person than two.  What else are you supposed to do when your very soul gets ripped out of your body?

 

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