Gramps - Chapter 20

 

Gramps

By Karen Singer

 

Chapter 20

 

Looming is an ominous word.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word used in connection with something good happening.  I’m sure many of you have, but for me, I can’t think of a single case.  Of course, maybe it’s because I had something looming over my near future now.  Two somethings in fact.  And neither of them was anything good.  At least, not for me.

Yeah, Kimmie had told me that everyone in the family knew all about what she and I were doing, which was a situation that in itself I wasn’t happy about.  How do you tell your kids that you spend your life learning how to piss and shit freely in your diapers, and that you spend more time drinking from a baby bottle than anything else?  I can’t even conceive of that conversation.  But now, thanks to Kimmie, it sounded like that conversation was about to be forced on me whether I wanted it or not.

Looming.  I could only see disaster and heartache looming over my head.

That conversation with Kimmie had happened on Thursday, exactly one week before Thanksgiving.  Now it was the following day, Friday.  According to Kimmie, she had to teach on the following Monday and Tuesday, but after that, on Wednesday, the school would be going into recess for Thanksgiving, and like it or not, we would be leaving for Maryland to see the entire rest of our family.  We were going so we could see them, but I think it was more like so they could all see me…and probably berate, and belittle, and condemn me.  It was Friday, we were leaving on Wednesday.  Only six days away.  Six days until…looming disaster.

Kimmie told me that she and her mother had started discussing it at the beginning of November.  She had just waited until now to tell me about it.  Purposely!  What was going to happen when we got there?  How was I going to handle it all, when we got there?  How exactly was everyone going to treat me…when we got there.  We hadn’t even left yet, and I was making myself sick with worry.

Evidently, according to Kimmie, she had bought two “special” dresses over the internet for me to wear up there.  One to wear on Thanksgiving Day, and the other for when they held the baby shower.  Kimmie though, was determined to keep both those dresses hidden from me, so I wouldn’t be allowed to see them until then.  “Oh Gramps,” she had said.  “You’re going to just love them!”

Dresses?  Something told me that loving them wasn’t exactly the way she should have put it.  And yes, my stomach grew a bit more ill when she told me about them.

Remember the way Kimmie’s security system gave her the ability to talk to me, and she could hear me too?  Well, that Friday, she put that ability to use once again.  I had just sent off another of those pacifier videos, when all of a sudden her voice from nowhere seemed to be coming from everywhere.  It surprised me enough that it actually scared me until I realized what I was hearing.

“Gramps,” her voice suddenly filled the room.

It took me a moment to calm myself down to reply, “Kimmie?”

“Yeah Gramps.  Who else?”

“What’s the problem?  I sent the video.  Did I do something wrong?”

“I haven’t seen it yet,” she told me.  “Gramps.  I want you to spend some time playing with your toys now.  I want you playing instead of watching TV until it’s time for lunch.  And Gramps, it’s slow here at school right now, so I can sit and look at my phone more than usual.  So play!  And have fun.”

“Fun?” I asked, incredulously.  I waited for a reply, but I didn’t get one.  “Kimmie?”  Nothing.  “Are you there?”  Still no reply.  Was she watching, or wasn’t she?  Like it or not, I lowered myself down to the floor in front of that…thing from hell, and I began reaching out to randomly touch things.  Oh, the stupid sounds that thing could make.  It was all so stupid.  But something told me that Kimmie was indeed watching.  My eyes went briefly to the corner where she liked to hook my nose so I couldn’t move.  Nope!  Didn’t need that kind of pain.  I spun the colorful shapes on top of the toy instead.  What fun, what fun.  I think I needed a better definition of fun.

That little play session wasn’t the only time I had to face that monstrosity of a baby toy.  As always, I changed my diaper at two, but after that, Kimmie’s  “ethereal” voice forced me to take another nap…along with the dumb bear of course.  When she allowed me to “wake up” from not sleeping at three o’clock, it was only so that I could try and poop in my diaper again before sitting forever and almost really falling asleep while I filmed myself sucking the way she thought I should.  Boring!  Once that was done, her voice from hell sent me directly out to spend time “playing” with my toy again until it was time for her to come home.

Yeah, my life was still going downhill.  Straight downhill to hell!  And it felt like the only thing I could do about it, was to sit there and piss in my diaper.  Some protest that was.  It didn’t seem to make any difference to Kimmie at all.  But hey, I enjoyed doing it.  Don’t tell Kimmie!

 

And then it was Saturday.  Saturday, Saturday, Saturday.  Can we just forget about Saturday and the shopping trip?  Okay, maybe we better not.  Big breath…and here we go.

Baby powder.  Diaper.  Plastic pants.  White tights.  Bra.  Black little girl Mary Jane shoes.  The dress Kimmie made me buy a few weeks back.  And two ribbons in my hair again.  Oh, and we can’t forget the purse she made me carry.  I’m not mentioning my pacifier.  That goes without saying, right?

She couldn’t seem to make up her mind as to if she wanted me to carry the stupid teddy bear or not, then she finally decided no, I should leave it home.  She was too afraid I might “accidently” lose the thing.  Plus, one of the stops she planned on making was in the toy store again where we had originally bought the thing.  Carrying my bear in there might cause a bit of an awkward situation.  As if me, by myself, wasn’t awkward enough.

Dressed so prettily and daintily, and feeling happy and grateful that God had let me be born as a little girl, I danced my way out of the house and into the car.  Um…it didn’t go quite like that, in case you’re interested.  Either way, we were off to once again visit…the mall.  (Insert dramatic music here).

You know, I’d swear I never saw any kind of construction around that place, but it seemed to look bigger to me each time we went in.  Oh, and yes, we did go in.  And around.  And up.  And down.  And literally everywhere.  Just so everyone could ogle me.  Er…that’s my opinion.  According to Kimmie, we were there so we could shop for our upcoming trip to visit the family.  I was the baby, and she was the adult.  Guess whose opinion won out.  Not mine.  We didn’t actually have that discussion though.  I didn’t say much of anything all day, as usual.  That baby pacifier I sucked as we wandered all around that place wouldn’t permit it.  But those thoughts were certainly on my mind.

In case you’re wondering, yes, we shopped and bought more girly clothes for me, including tights in white, pink, and blue, more short, short skirts, and another dress.  And yes, we went into the toy store and walked out with toys.  Baby toys.  An entire collection of toys that I “couldn’t wait” to play with.

During that mall visit, for some weird unknown reason, Kimmie suddenly became very interested in something different…for me of course.  Hair accessories.  All kinds of different hair stuff.  And I’m not talking about wigs.  Ribbons and bows.  Hair clips made for kids.  Headbands.  You name it, Kimmie had to look them over and select more than a few to buy.  Particularly the ribbons and bows.  While Kimmie saw pretty things that she would just love to see on me, I only saw embarrassment on an entirely new level.  By hey, pretty things and my embarrassment were just two ways of saying the same thing, right?  I think they were as far as Kimmie was concerned.

I spent more money on that shopping trip with Kimmie than I had on any other trip yet.  And it was all for me, just so I could feel more stupid in front of my entire family than ever.  As if my new life wasn’t bad enough.

I was literally worn out by the time we got home, so Kimmie let me rest by sticking me on the floor surrounded by not just that toddler toy from hell, but all the rest of the toys we had just bought too.

“Now you’ve got lots of pretty new toys to play with Gramps,” Kimmie had said brightly.  “Aren’t you happy?”

Happy?  Yeah.  First I needed a new definition for fun, and now I needed a new definition for happy.  Obviously, I had those two things wrong my entire life.

I looked at the baby toys scattered around me.  Yes, that monstrosity from the black lagoon was there, taking up a lot of space.  Yes, my beloved teddy bear was there to watch me playing too.  But now those things were joined by a set of colorful stacking rings, a fairly large soft material doll that literally blew my mind since it could say a bunch of different phrases and sang four different songs.  A wooden puzzle with eight whole pieces that I was sure would take me hours to put together, and a doll house that came complete with three little weird people, a tree, a swimming pool, furniture, and…okay, here it comes…the house also made noises, spoke phrases, and played songs I could learn to sing.  At least the puzzle and stacking rings didn’t make any noise at all, unless I pounded the pieces together in frustration.

So many things (I didn’t want).  All of it for me.  Oh joy.  And there was Kimmie, looking on with such a loving proud look on her face (yes, believe it or not, she did).  Kimmie was waiting to see me play.  I looked around again.  What to break…I mean play with first?  Remarkably, the plastic doll house won out.  I laid down on my stomach in front of it and began putting the furniture and people inside and the tree and swimming pool in the nonexistent backyard.  And of course, I pushed the buttons that made it say things and sing songs at me.  When I looked over to see Kimmie’s reaction to what I was doing, she was gone.  I didn’t see her at all.  But with so many toys that made noise, I had no doubt she’d be listening for what I was doing.

I stayed there and “played” until Kimmie grabbed me and changed my diaper, before giving me another bottle to drink when she put me down for my afternoon nap.  I was just glad for a reason to get away from those toys.  But not all those toys, While I was sucking on the bottle, Kimmie just had to stick my teddy bear and that soft singing doll in bed with me.  I had a king-size bed, but if I had to share it with many more toddler things, I was going to need something even bigger.

 

The sky is falling.  The sky is falling.  I think the sky actually fell.  Sunday came, and everything went topsy-turvy on me again.  My head was beginning to spin.  The trip to Maryland to see the family was now looming closer than ever.  It frightened me more than ever too.

If you’ll remember, and if you don’t there’s got to be something wrong with you, Kimmie and I went grocery shopping every Sunday – not because we need the groceries, which we really did, but just so that Kimmie could embarrass the hell out of me.  At least, that’s the impression I got from all those trips.  But this Sunday, the world had tipped over again and I wasn’t exactly prepared for the changes.

Okay, it started out the same as always.  I woke up (maybe I shouldn’t have).  I got myself out of bed and went into the bathroom where I brushed my teeth, shaved my face, and wet my soaked diaper, making it even more soaked than it was.  After a minute though, I couldn’t tell the difference between the before and after.  It was usually like that every morning.  Getting out of that footed fleece sleeper wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, but it wasn’t difficult either.  My biggest problem was going from being snuggly warm inside the thing to the cold air hitting my body.  My diaper soon went directly into the diaper pail trash can, and I hurried my butt into the shower.  Ah, warm water.  As always, I was slow to get out.  When I decided I had better finally face the world, I turned the shower off, grabbed my towel, and dried my body.

As always, Kimmie was waiting in the bedroom to dress me.  An abundance of baby powder, followed directly by her pulling a diaper up between my legs and taping it firmly.  And that’s when the world began to change on me again.  Instead of dressing me like a little girl, or even like a big girl with high heels, all she did was hand me one of my own sweatshirts to put on.  No bra under it.  No tights.  No little girl socks.  No little girl shoes or heels.  In fact, no shoes at all.  Nothing.  Just that old sweatshirt of mine and the diaper.  Oh, and my pacifier of course, but we’re not counting that.

You’d think I’d feel strange walking around like that with my diaper fully exposed, but Kimmie had kept me with nothing to cover it for so long now that having nothing over it seemed normal.  Much more normal than being able to wear something over it like she had allowed me to do lately.

“Go out and play with your toys.  I’ll turn the TV on for you until breakfast is ready,” she told me.

I was so shocked I pulled the plug from my mouth.  “Play?  Now?  With nothing else on?” I asked.

“Yes!  You’ll be warm enough.  Get used to it.  And get that baby pacifier back in your mouth.”

A minute later, plugged and muted, I was sitting in front of my toys.  I was plugged and muted, but my toys weren’t muted at all.  Uh…except for the puzzle and the stacking rings.  I hadn’t come across any way for them to start singing at me yet, but if they did I wouldn’t be surprised.

As she promised, Kimmie turned the TV on for me.  But she didn’t tune it to any station I wanted to watch.  She didn’t walk off until the thing was playing the most babyish cartoons she could find.

Kimmie finally announced breakfast, and I got up and headed to the kitchen.  I paused though on the way as a realization hit me.  I hadn’t yet heard the ding from my cellphone announcing that it was pooping time.  I checked the clock.  Nearly eight-fifteen.  I guessed I had been so “engrossed” enjoying those cartoons on TV that I had missed it.  It’s amazing that Kimmie hadn’t caught the problem and let me know.

After breakfast, it was back to the toys and cartoons.  None of which I was interested in.  Kimmie cleaned up the kitchen, and a while later I realized she was doing laundry.  Okay, we were going on a trip soon.  That only made sense.  What didn’t make sense was having to play with stupid singing toys, and watch stupid singing cartoons on the TV.

The realization came slowly.  Or maybe it was just that being a baby my intelligence level had dropped more than I expected.  But before lunch, I realized that not once had I heard that darn cellphone ding to tell me it was time to poop in my diaper or film myself with the baby pacifier.  And not once had Kimmie mentioned either thing to me.  What was going on?  Not that I was complaining.  Trust me, I wasn’t going to complain about that for anything…as long as Kimmie didn’t punish me for missing those deadlines.  Did I need to watch the clock and show her I could keep to my schedule without being told?  I didn’t know what to do.

By lunchtime, I was still on the floor with the toys and cartoons and Kimmie was still doing laundry.  Being so worried about my usual schedule, the minute I was allowed to pull my pacifier out so I could eat, I asked her about it.

“Don’t worry about it Gramps,” she told me.  “While we’re in Maryland you’re not going to be able to do any of that…except trying to poop of course.  I’d really like it if you kept trying to do that consciously whenever you can.”

Yeah right.  Like I was really going to do that.  I was just glad to hear that for the first time in a long while, I had no schedule and none of the usual required exercises she had forced on me.  Somehow though, I still found myself trying to push something out into my diaper, even when I had no need to do it.  Had doing that become some kind of habit?  I hoped not.  But still, my diaper was more than ready to be changed once two o’clock came around.

That afternoon, when Kimmie and I walked the yard, the only things she allowed me to wear other than my sweatshirt and the diaper I had on, was my pink sneakers and a jacket.  I told her I was worried about how cold my legs would get, but she told me I’d be fine, and I needed to get used to it.

It seemed like there were a lot of new things in my life I needed to get used to now.

 

Monday and Tuesday were carbon copies of Sunday, only without Kimmie being around.  She did make my life interesting once in a while though when I would suddenly hear her voice telling me to play with the toys and that the TV had better be playing cartoons and nothing else.

Both days, Kimmie still seemed to spend more time doing laundry than usual.  Why?  Okay, I knew she’d probably wash all those new clothes we had bought at the mall on Saturday before she let me wear them, but why everything else?  Was she planning on us staying up there for the rest of our lives?  It seemed like it.  There was also the number of diapers she had piled up for us to take.  A lot!  And I mean both day and nighttime diapers.  We were only going to be gone for five days and four nights.  That’s four nighttime diapers, and ten daytime diapers.  Nine if you don’t count the one I’d be wearing when I left home.

By Tuesday, I was surprised to find that I was still trying to randomly push out some poop into my diaper, even when I didn’t feel the need.  And when the need did barely hit me, I was already pushing before I realized what was happening.  And don’t talk to me about peeing.  I was wet most of the time.  End of story.  Yes, I usually felt the need hit me, but I had no reason in the world to wait before letting it out.  At least, that’s the reasoning I held onto as to why I was peeing so often.

Tuesday evening after Kimmie got home from school, she seemed to be a whirlwind of activity, but she still took time to drag me twice around the backyard just before dinner.  Then after dinner, she made me sit down as she sometimes did and she redid my seemingly permanent pink fingernails.  I didn’t have to ask why.  Besides, I had that baby pacifier in my mouth forcing me to not ask anything.  Not to mention, knowing Kimmie and the mood she seemed to be in, she’d probably launch into another of those “talks” about why was I asking questions.  Babies don’t ask questions.  And just who’s the baby here anyway?  Yeah, I just let her do it.  Not that I seemed to have a choice.

It came as no surprise to me Tuesday night.  Before putting me to bed, Kimmie often stuck me in the bathtub just so she could shave my entire body.  As I said, this time it came as no surprise.  When she put me to bed though, it was in my nighttime diaper and literally nothing else.  Nothing!  Uh…yeah, the bear and the singing doll were there, but I wasn’t wearing them.  That alone made the looming disaster that was about to happen seem not only more imminent, but real.

I had a trip looming over me that would start the next day.  And just the thought of the family seeing me like this scared me to death.  Yeah, I was worried about the drive up there too, not to mention the drive home.  How many people would see me then?  But it was the family seeing me that really scared me.  All those worries gave me a good reason to pee like I did.  And laying there in bed, drinking my baby bottle full of baby formula, thinking and worrying about the trip we were about to make, I found myself peeing before I realized it was happening.  That was fine.  As I said, I figured I had good reason to pee like that.