Friday, June 20, 2008

If I only HAD a brain

I’ve read an article this week that said that studies comparing the size of the two hemispheres in the brain have shown that a gay man’s brain more closely resembles that of a heterosexual woman, and a gay woman’s brain more closely resembles that of a heterosexual man.

At first glance, this would not really seem interesting to me since, contrary to popular opinion, I am not at all gay. I have no interest at all in anything “sexual” to do with men. In fact, the male body mostly disgusts me – including my own. Have I mentioned before that I would love to be female – for more reasons than one.

However, this article did really peak my interest because it got me to wondering, if a gay person’s brain resembles that of the opposite sex, what does my brain look like? I wonder if now that they’ve taken their study this far, will they go further and look into people like me… and I know there’s a few more out there just like me too. You know who I mean. The ones who love to put on something feminine because it just makes you finally feel “normal” or at least really good. And does a person’s brain change if they’re being forced to be feminine for a long period of time and they don’t really want to?

These questions may not interest you, but they do interest me. I wonder if we’ll ever know the answers. I’m surprised that this study was done in the first place, so maybe somebody will study people like us. I’m not volunteering! I’m embarrassed about every aspect of my body. I’m sure my old feeble brain would only make somebody laugh.

I often wonder if - maybe, in a previous life, if I had been a woman. Then echoes of that life are perhaps affecting this life – especially since I’ve been this way from my earliest memories. I know my mother really wanted a girl, but during the days when I was growing up, anything out of the normal was strictly forbidden. I envy those who recognize their differences now and especially those who have the courage to do something about it. I also have nothing but praise for the parents of those kids who are like I was and have the courage to support them and try to make them happy. I had a wonderful life, please don’t misunderstand that, but when you long for something your whole life, you still have to wonder if things would have been any better if your dreams could have come true. But I guess my longing and dreams have brought their own pleasures too.

What really goes on in my brain? Does it really matter? In the end, I’m just me – I think.

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