My Funny Farm - Chapter 11 – What Are You? – Part 1 of 2

 

My Funny Farm

By Karen Singer

 

Chapter 11 – What Are You? – Part 1 of 2

 

Please remind me to never get punished again.  Please!  Spending all night with a butt plug shoved up your ass is not fun.  After a long time in there, the nuisance of the thing finally died down to a dull roar and I was able to get some sleep, which I doubt lasted long since I woke up to pee, before trying to get back to sleep again, only to wake up to pee, before going…you get the picture.  But as always, it was all night.

Little Miss Emily was there to wake me up bright and early Tuesday morning…and I do mean early!  Ugh!  I was sleeping for heaven’s sake.  And why did she have to seem so…uh…chipper about it?  I certainly wasn’t happy to be getting up.  I wasn’t happy having a butt plug shoved up my ass all night, I wasn’t happy about being in my ridiculous position, and I especially wasn’t happy that they weren’t allowing me to kill myself, something I thought I deserved now more than ever!

“Good morning baby,” Emily said so, ugh!, nicely to me as she turned the light on and gave me a quick peck on the cheek.  “Time to wake up.”

If I wasn’t so worried that they might punish me for it, I would have killed her!  That is, until she unfastened my diaper right away, then rolled me over, and went to work removing that darn plug.  Ouch!  That hurt to get out.  And that’s despite how totally numb by asshole was by that time.  Trust me, stretching it that much wider hurt!  Did I say ouch?  Well, I meant it!  I tried tightening the muscles around my asshole, and totally failed.  I was guessing that fact didn’t exactly bode well for me.  And of course, Emily rolled me back over again and refastened my way too wet diaper right back on me again.

“No leaks!” she said happily.  “And those tapes that restick are marvelous!”

Caitlin rushed into the room.  “How’s it going?” she asked quickly.

“All done,” Emily told her.

“Oh good.  Thanks Em,” Caitlin replied.  “Any leaks from that one diaper?”

“None at all.  It’s pretty wet,” Emily replied, “but it still looks like it can hold  a bit more.”

“Good!” Caitlin said.  “That’s one we know will work then.”  She looked at me.  “Just lay there baby,” she told me.  “I’ll get your morning bottle.”

My morning bottle.  Oh goodie.  I was jumping for joy.  NOT!  Now if my morning bottle was a bottle of bourbon, maybe I could get a bit more excited about it.  In fact, I’d be a lot more excited about it, and willing to drink it.

Caitlin rushed off while Emily pulled the covers back over my naked body and carried that butt plug into the bathroom, a room I only seemed to go into anymore in the evenings, shortly before they put me to bed for the night.  And the only reason they let me in there was probably because there wasn’t a bathtub in the living room.

Emily finally came out of the bathroom just before Caitlin came back with my baby bottle that wasn’t bourbon.  Darn!  Emily leaned over and kissed me.  “Bye baby,” she said.  “Have fun today.”

Fun!  What did she know about it?  This was probably all fun for her.  In fact, I was sure it was.  Wasn’t she the one that was into that BDSM stuff?  And then I remembered that Caitlin was supposed to be into it too.  They were both probably enjoying the heck out of what they were doing to me.  I figured I better drink that damn bottle before they decided to punish me for something else.  I’d had more than enough of that darn butt plug for one lifetime.  I put the bottle to my lips and took a pull.  Baby formula.  My usual morning drink.  Ugh!

Was it the drinking, or just the fact that the miserable butt plug had been stuck in my ass all night?  Either way, my overly stimulated, yet somewhat numb system, decided that it was time to finally do something I didn’t want it to…especially not into my diaper.  Yup!  You guessed it.  I pooped myself, quite seriously, while lying there on my back drinking a baby bottle full of baby formula.  And trust me, I tried holding back and got nowhere.  My ass was still too exhausted.  It all just came out of me.  By the time I was done, I was far more miserable than I had been all night, and I really, really needed that bottle I was drinking to be bourbon instead of what it was.  I really, really needed a diaper change too.  As if I needed to mention that.

When Caitlin came in, she immediately sniffed the air.  “Somebody made a big stinkie today.  Didn’t you!” she said as she took my baby bottle from me.  What did she have for bopping me playfully on my nose?  It was annoying!  And I had to wonder what she expected after keeping that plug in me all night.  Or I guess maybe she did expect it.  Just like I expected to get my diaper changed.

Didn’t happen.

Nope, she pulled me out of bed and forced me to figure out how to get into the kitchen all by myself, despite that load in my diaper.  It was only after I was almost to my chair that I figured out that maybe crawling would have been the easier option.  When I got there, I certainly didn’t want to sit down in that messy diaper, but I wasn’t given the choice.  I lowered myself into the chair very, very slowly, feeling every bit of that mush in my bottom squishing against me as I sat.  And of course, they gave me more of that damn baby cereal for breakfast.  The very last thing I needed.  The cereal tasted awful, and I smelled awful.  What a combination!

Trust me, so far, this day wasn’t starting out to be the best for me.

Things didn’t start to look up for me until after breakfast when Caitlin took me back to my room (yeah, I should have crawled, but I forgot) and cleaned me up.  I found out then what was in another of those boxes that had arrived yesterday.  More diapers.  This one wasn’t nearly as thick as that night diaper they had put me in, but it was still a lot thicker than the ones I was used to wearing.

“We’ll just see how well that holds up today,” she told me.

How well it holds up?  What was she planning on doing to it?  I realized that was the wrong question.  What was she planning on having me do to it?

Once diapered, she dragged me into the bathroom where she surprised me by shaving my face again.  She and Emily had just shaved it last night, but now she was running my razor over it again.  Why?  I wasn’t about to complain though and since they had shaved me last night too, the process didn’t last very long.

This time I was given one of Caitlin’s loose dresses to wear.  If I hadn’t been too embarrassed about possibly liking it, I would have told her how pretty it was and how thrilled I was to wear it.  Instead, I did my best to look like I wasn’t happy about wearing the thing at all.  Um…did I mention it was pretty?  But was I pretty wearing it?  Don’t make me laugh!

I was soon sat down on the floor of the living room to watch those awful excuses for cartoons again.  And…my day began, just like all the other days I had been forced to go through already.  One thing, then playtime.  Another thing, then playtime.  My usual…for my funny farm.

Things didn’t change for me until after lunch.  Caitlin took me back to the bedroom where she changed me into a completely different looking diaper.  It was still fairly thick, but somehow it felt very different to wear.  With that done, I was sent to my corner to play as usual while she disappeared.

I had been in there a while by myself before Caitlin finally came back.  I noticed right away that she had changed her clothes and looked a lot nicer than she had earlier.  This time when she came in, I soon realized that she wasn’t there to just check on me or drag me off to do something else.

“Okay baby,” she said happily.  Let’s get you ready.

Ready?  My very soul decided to panic.  And then I remembered that it was Tuesday, my day to see Doctor Clive.  Trust me, I was very happy to see Caitlin pulling my usual, normal, clothes out of my closet.

No, don’t even think it.  I didn’t get to dress myself at all.  She literally dressed me in everything as if I was a total…um…baby.  It was great to be wearing my clothes again, especially with shoes and socks.  It just wasn’t great to still have that diaper on under my pants, and a wet diaper now at that.  And Caitlin knew it was wet because before changing my clothes she had done a thorough diaper check and praised me for not holding back.  Ha!  Fooled her!  I had been holding back.  I just didn’t hold back too much.  Holding back too much would have been pointless.

Eventually, she put a sweater on over my shirt and dragged me out the door.  Hello my old faithful truck that’s been parked in the garage and not used for way too long.  Goodbye old truck.  I was soon out in the driveway where Caitlin put me into the back seat of her car and buckled my seatbelt for me herself.  “Make sure you keep that paci in your mouth!” she told me firmly.  “Don’t let me look back and catch you without it!”

I had to wonder if that counted as cruelty to…uh…babies.  A minute later, she was backing out of the driveway.

Yes, like Emily had done, I was forced to keep that pacifier in my mouth not just the entire time she drove me there, but also walking from the car into the doctor’s office, and also sitting there waiting to see the doctor.  But eventually I was called and went in for my session.  It felt strange walking in there.  It felt strange because of the thick wet diaper I was wearing under my pants.  It felt strange because of the darn pacifier still in my mouth.  And it felt strange because for once I was going into to see the doctor alone, while Caitlin stayed out in the waiting room…waiting.

“How are you doing Craig?” Doctor Clive greeted me kindly as I walked in.  Was my thick, too wet diaper showing too much?  She didn’t seem to react to it.  I plopped my soggy bottom down into one of her chairs and removed the stupid pacifier from my mouth.

“How am I doing?” I replied.  “I’m angry, confused, upset, bewildered, and a whole lot of other things.  I don’t understand this life at all.  It’s not really one thing, and it’s not something else.  I feel like the proverbial round peg that someone is trying to shove into a hole that was never designed to hold any peg at all.”

She laughed.  “I’m sure it must feel that way.”

“Well trust me, it does!”

“How are you adjusting to it?” she asked.

“Adjusting?  How can anyone adjust?  Everything seems to be set up to drive me insane…more insane!” I corrected myself.  “I can’t get used to any of it.”

“No?  Like what?” she asked, seeming to be interested.

I had to think of something, so I started with a biggie for me.  “They make me take two naps during the day, and then I’m put to bed so early every night that I can’t sleep.”

“Craig, you yourself know that babies sleep a lot during the day, and unfortunately, they don’t always sleep all night.”

“That may be true,” I told her, “but then they go and wake me up too early every morning, when I’m actually managing to sleep!”

She chuckled at that.  “It may seem a little early,” she told me, “but did you ever think that there might be more to your daily schedule than you think?  I helped them put that schedule together for you.  A schedule that was designed to put as much consistency and routine in your life as possible.  Don’t you think that maybe there could be a reason for getting you up at that time?  Maybe you should think about that.”

“What reason?”

She shook her head.  “Figure it out.”

“Figure it out?  If there’s a reason, then why can’t you just tell me?”

“Craig, therapy doesn’t work that way.  “I can suggest things to you or point you in certain directions, but I can’t give you the answers.  Only you can come to those conclusions.  You have to figure those things out for yourself, otherwise, those answers are useless because they wouldn’t be your answers, answers that specifically mean something to your life.  Otherwise, you won’t make any progress at all.”

I was even more frustrated.  “If you won’t tell me anything, then what the heck am I doing here?  What good will this do me?  Just like this stupid therapy as everyone keeps calling it.  What good is it?  It’s useless.  It’s stupid.  Not to mention, why should they even bother to have such a strict schedule for everything?”

“Craig, I spent a lot of time with James and Ashley while you were in the city behavioral center.  There’s a reason behind everything in your schedule.  And no, of course you can’t follow it exactly every day.  For example, you’re here talking to me now instead of doing…whatever else you would normally do at this time.  There are things built in there to alter it from day to day depending on the situation.  You yourself have a way to alter it every day, depending on what rewards or punishments you might get.”

“Alter it?  How?  As far as I can tell, everything is scheduled and timed down to the minute…every day.  Except I can’t always tell what time it is because they removed the clock from my room, I’m guessing because babies can’t tell time.”

“Why are you so concerned about the time?” she asked.  “What difference does it make?”

“What difference?  Did it ever occur to you that I simply might want to know?”

“Craig.  Maybe you’re too ruled by that clock.  Try to enjoy what you can while you’re doing…whatever it is that you’re doing.”

“Whatever I’m doing?  Most likely playing.  Or I’m supposed to be playing.  But playing with the toys they gave me is simply impossible.  You want to know the truth?  I sit there and don’t play with them, and then whenever they come into the room, that’s the only time I even touch those stupid things.  And the worst part of it all is that playtime seems to be the most common thing on my schedule.  I do this, then playtime.  I do that, then playtime.  All day long.  There’s too much of it, especially since it’s impossible to play with toys like that.”

Doctor Clive leaned forward.  “Craig.  Think for a minute.  Since there’s so much playtime in your schedule, is it possible that there’s a reason for it?”

“Of course there is.  To give me something else to do instead of spending all day watching the most useless cartoons on the planet.”

She nodded then leaned forward.  “Craig, this week, I want you to spend some time thinking about your playtime and those toys they gave you.  And try to consider that there’s a reason for all of it.”

“What reason?”

“Ah-ah!  I told you, you need to figure it out for yourself.”

“Ugh!  Useless!” I complained.  “Just like this entire…situation.”

She chuckled.  “I have no doubt that you feel that way now.  It’s going to take some time for you to get used to it all.  Maybe a lot of time.  Be patient with it.”

“Be patient?  It’s more like being in prison…except that in prison I’m sure they wouldn’t feed you awful tasting baby food and baby formula to drink.”

“Be patient and try to go with the flow.  Try to get into the feeling of being an actual infant.  Let those simple feelings wash over you and enjoy them.”

“Huh!  The only feeling that washes over me is the feel of my own pee soaking my bottom a dozen times a day…or more.  And I can’t even count how many times it happens during the night.  Diapers are a lot to try to get used to.  You can’t get used to them.”

“I have no doubt it’s going to take time,” she told me.  “Just try to do the best you can…and think about things.  Like I said, there’s a reason for every bit of it.”

“Well, it sure doesn’t seem like it to me, except to embarrass and humiliate the shit out of me.”

She chuckled again.  “I have no doubt it’s going to do that.”  She leaned back in her chair.  “Now, tell me, what is it about your wife that you miss so much that you think you can’t live without her?”

My head was spinning by the time I walked out of her office.  Caitlin was still sitting in the waiting room…uh, waiting for me.  She got up as I approached her.

“How did it go?”

“Frustrating!” I complained.  “She won’t tell me anything!  She just says I need to figure it all out myself, whatever that means.  Basically, she’s no help at all.”

“Sorry to hear that,” she told me.  “Hold still.”

With that, I nearly lost my mind when she grabbed my belt and started to unbuckle it right there in the doctor’s waiting room.  There were other people around!  “What are you doing?” I complained as my hands tried to stop her.

“Hold still!” she commanded.  “And babies don’t worry about things like what I’m doing.  You’re a baby now.  Get used to it!”

I simply couldn’t believe it.  I wanted in the worst way to fight back.  To stop her.  To do anything at all to not go along with what I had no doubt was about to happen.  But she had reminded me that I had agreed to this…therapy, and if I didn’t go along with all of it, they would quickly haul me right back to that nut house of an insane asylum, where they had hired high school kids to impersonate doctors.  I forced myself to stand there and let her pull my pants down to my knees, exposing my diaper, and then let her grope me thoroughly to see how wet I was.

“You’re still just as wet as when I got you dressed earlier,” she decided.  “You haven’t wet any more at all.”

“I can’t go that often,” I told her.

“Yes you can!  Learn!” she argued back.

Fortunately, she pulled my pants back up for me and we got out of there.  Trust me, I was ready to go home after that.

Except, we didn’t go home.