by Karen Singer
Chapter 27 (Thursday – week 4 Part 6 of 6)
Chad loved going to their weekly relaxation therapy sessions. He never imagined that something could make him feel so good. Not only that, but the therapist, Gloria, didn’t seem to intimidate or humiliate him in any way. And he felt so good every time they left – so relaxed and carefree, almost like he was still walking on air. He took in a big breath of her scented air the moment he walked in and immediately felt his body starting to relax and feel better.
“Hi you two,” Gloria greeted them warmly the minute they walked through her door.
“Hi Gloria,” Mel replied just as warmly.
All of them immediately went straight back to the room where Gloria held their sessions. Chad immediately felt his body relaxing even more the moment he walked in. Both Mel and Chad took their usual couches. Chad didn’t notice the extra little smile that Mel and Gloria exchanged as he was getting comfortable.
“Okay. Just relax,” Gloria began. “Close your eyes… take a big deep breath... let it out again… and feel the tensions evaporate out of you.”
It was the calming voice that Chad had grown used to and comfortable with. The phrases that she used were wonderful ones… phrases that seemed to work so well on him… phrases that he now looked so forward to hearing. Phrases that without his conscious knowledge, quickly dropped him into a hypnotic trance. It went faster than usual today, yet Gloria continued to go slowly. Taking him further and further, not wanting to take any chance that he might not be as far under as she thought.
Noticing how quickly he had gone into a trance today, she tapped Mel on the arm, signaling much earlier than usual for her to wake up and stop trying to go along with her suggestions. Anticipating what was hopefully going to happen this time, Mel sat up to watch. Chad was laying there with his eyes closed. There as a hint of a smile on his face – his face that looked so peaceful. If she didn’t know better, she would have thought he was sound asleep.
Slowly and methodically, Gloria took Chad further and further into his trance. Deeper and deeper, trying to get him further than he had ever been before. She didn’t rush things at all. In fact, Mel was wishing she would finally get on with the business because she seemed to be taking so much longer than ever before.
Finally, Gloria picked up a wooden stool and a notebook that she had left on top of it from up against one of the walls of the room where they had been out of the way. She placed the stool near Chad’s couch where she could see his face. She glanced at Mel as she sat down and gave her a quick smile. Then she placed her finger over her lips, reminding Mel to remain quiet. Mel just nodded, impatient for Gloria to finally get on with things.
“Chad,” Gloria said softly. “Can you hear me?”
“Of course,” Chad replied as if he were wide awake. The sound of Chad’s voice momentarily startled and panicked Mel, but she remained silent and still.
“Good,” Gloria replied. “I want you to keep your eyes closed and just remain in your quiet, calm place. I want you to stay calm and relaxed while you answer some questions for me. I want you to answer everything totally truthfully, because there’s no one who will judge you, or make fun of you anywhere near here. We only want to do this to help you feel better about yourself so you can be happy. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” Chad replied very simply with his eyes still closed.
“Good,” Gloria replied. “Remember, answering everything truthfully and calmly will help you feel happy. And you want to feel happy, don’t you?”
“Yes,” Chad said. “I feel happy,” he added with a bigger smile suddenly on his face.
Gloria opened the notebook in her lap and stared at what was written on the top page. Mel got curious and as quietly as she could, got up to peer over her shoulder. On the notebook page, Gloria had a long list of numbered questions she had planned to ask him. Mel only had time to read one or two before Gloria asked her first question. “Chad, tell me, how do you like sucking your thumb?”
Chad’s face gave a very faint hint of trouble before his calm, happy expression once again returned. “I have a problem sucking my thumb,” he replied, “my nails are too long to do it properly. I can’t get it into my mouth far enough.”
It was all Mel could do to stifle her giggle. But she managed it. She went back to sitting on her own couch to get further away from him in case she actually did let out any sound.
“Good Chad. Very good. Remember, just stay calm and relaxed. There is no reason to ever get upset about anything here. We just want you to feel happy. Right?”
“Right!” Chad agreed.
Gloria revised her earlier question. “Tell me Chad, how do you feel about sucking on your pacifier, or maybe your bottles, or anything else you may suck on.”
Chad smiled. “I love it. It makes me feel good… especially when something upsets me. It really helps me then.”
“Good Chad. How about at work? Do you ever suck on anything at work?”
“No. Not there. Never there. Even when I get upset. I think my work helps to distract me so I don’t need my pacifier as much.”
“Chad, I want you to know that it’s alright if you feel the need to suck on something at work. Remember, sucking on things makes you feel more comfortable. It sooths you. If you need something to suck on, then just do it. Even if you think it’s going to make you feel more uncomfortable, you’ll find that it really helps. Okay?”
“Okay,” Chad agreed like it was the most normal thing in the world.
Mel was still a bit unnerved by the way he was talking. He was so normal. If she didn’t know any better, she would swear he was wide awake. She had to keep watching his closed eyes to remind her that he was actually fully in a trance.
“Good Chad. Very good,” Gloria said. She glanced down at her notes again. “Now remember Chad, these are just questions to help you feel good. Even though they may bring up some disturbing thoughts, you won’t let those thoughts bother you. You will stay calm and happy and continue to answer as truthfully as you can. Okay?”
“No problem,” Chad said with a smile still on his face. Mel almost giggled again.
“Good Chad. Now I want you to think about the times when Mel has punished you. Stay calm and relaxed, nobody’s punishing you now. That was all in the past. Think about those times. How did you feel?”
“Bad,” Chad replied. “Real bad. I can’t believe how bad it made me feel. It made me cry I felt so bad. I didn’t want Mommy Mel to be disappointed in me in any way, but she was, and I felt so bad about it.”
“Good Chad. Remember, stay calm and relaxed.” She and Mel had exchanged glances at Chad’s mention of Mommy Mel. Obviously, that had been a bigger trigger than she had thought it would be. “Chad, crying is good. Crying is good for you. Don’t be afraid to let it all out and just cry like you need to. It’s a good thing for you to feel bad if Mommy Mel is angry at you. You should feel bad. I want you to feel bad. You can’t help feeling bad when she’s angry. It’s how you learn to feel good. And in the end, you do want to feel good, don’t you?”
“Yes,” Chad replied noncommittally.
“So don’t be afraid to let the crying out Chad. Don’t hold it back. It will help you feel better in the long run. Okay?”
“Okay,” Chad agreed. But he didn’t sound as enthusiastic over it as he did other things.
“Good Chad. Very good,” Gloria crooned again. She glanced down at her notes again, then looked back up at him. “Ok, tell me Chad, do you really like wearing diapers all the time?”
Chad suddenly had a big smile on his face. “Yes!” he answered emphatically. “I love it!”
“Very good, Chad. Why do you love it so much?”
“I just do. It feels so good, especially when they’re wet. And when I’m wetting them, it feels absolutely amazing! Almost like sex… almost. Plus, I never have to bother to go find a bathroom somewhere,” he added.
Gloria and Mel both almost giggled. But Gloria just continued in her usual calming voice. “Good, Chad. Very good. I’m very glad you like it so much. So you like wetting your diapers?”
“Very much,” he replied.
“How about messing in them?”
Chad’s face didn’t look so happy. “No. Not really. Not at all in fact. I wish I didn’t have to, but there’s no way around it. I just can’t help it.”
“Because you’re in diapers all the time?”
Chad shrugged his shoulders. “That… and I can’t control it at all. The suppositories keep me so that I couldn’t stop it even if I tried.”
“Do you often try to stop it?”
He shook his head. “Never. What’s the point? I can’t control it at all because of the suppositories.”
Gloria looked over at Mel who was positively beaming victoriously. Mel actually raised her arms up in the air in a celebratory gesture.
“You’re doing good Chad, very good. Not being able to control it is what you should be feeling. And you’re completely right, there’s no need or even sense in trying. So I don’t want you to bother. Okay?”
Chad shook his head again. “No sense in it. I can’t do it!”
“Good Chad. Very good. I’m glad you like wetting your diapers so much Chad. I’m glad that it feels so good. And it’s going to keep feeling good for you. In fact, you’re going to keep liking it better and better. You won’t ever want to stop. That’s how I want you to feel Chad. Understand?”
Chad had a big smile on his face then. “I love it!” he replied enthusiastically. “I really love it.”
Gloria glanced at Mel to see her face positively beaming. She looked down at the questions she wanted to ask, but decided to skip down to one much further down the page. “Chad, since you like wetting your diapers so much, and since it feels so good for you, how much control over it do you still think you still have?”
Mel leaned forward. This was really the crux of everything!
“Total!” was Chad’s unequivocal answer.
Mel looked closely at him. His eyes were closed, but he also seemed to have a big smile on his face. She must have heard him wrong… or he had misunderstood the question.
Gloria was also confused, his answer wasn’t jiving with anything else he had said before. “What do you mean, total? I thought you couldn’t control your messes and that you loved wetting yourself.”
“That’s right,” Chad replied. “I can’t control my messes at all, not with the suppositories, and I do love wetting myself. But I have total control over my wetting… mostly anyway.”
Chad suddenly looked a bit uncomfortable. “I’ve had some days when I couldn’t control it at all. I couldn’t even seem to find the muscles that control it. And when I did, it was so hard to do. I hated it. I didn’t want to keep trying to control it. But I forced myself to do it.”
“You forced yourself?” Gloria asked. Mel was out of her seat now and practically standing right over him.
Chad nodded. “Yeah. I had to. I can’t hold it as long as I used to, but I’m back up to twenty-eight minutes now.”
“What?” Mel screamed. She was totally surprised, not to mention angry. “What does he mean?”
Gloria quickly kept glancing back and forth between Chad and Mel. Mel was suddenly furious and Chad showed every sign that he was quickly coming out of his trance. “Relax,” she crooned softly. “Just float and relax.” She saw that Mel was about to demand more information. She couldn’t let her spoil things. She quickly got up and put her hands on Mel, silently pleading with her to be quiet, and through it all, she kept telling Chad to relax and repeating the phrases that had put him into a trance in the first place.
Mel sat back on her couch for a moment. But she couldn’t stand it and got up to pace around the room. She needed answers and she wanted them now! But Gloria was now concentrating on trying to keep Chad in his trance, and she was again taking forever! She had to know! She had to know how and why Chad was so intent on relearning to control himself! And she had to know it now! Damn Gloria! She was taking forever. It took every bit of self-control that Mel had to remain silent while she paced.
Gloria worked harder than she had ever worked before to keep her voice calm and relaxing. Chad had been on the very brink of waking up. His eyes had even begun fluttering. He was dropping back again, but slowly. She dared not let him wake up yet or even remain in a light trance. She had to get him deep again… and quickly. And Mel’s pacing wasn’t helping. She could positively feel the furious energy that Mel was putting off.
Finally, Gloria had Chad in a place where she felt safe to leave him for a few minutes. She gave him some instructions to remain quietly relaxed and just enjoy the place he was in for a while. Then she got up and grabbed Mel’s arm and pulled her into her outer office. She closed the door behind them. “What did you think you were doing?” she demanded. “He was almost awake! You’re outburst shocked him so much, it pulled him almost completely out of a remarkably deep trance!”
“I’ve got to know why and how he did it!” Mel returned. And you’ve got to place those suggestions again… the ones that obviously had him completely incontinent before! And then strengthen them. We know that repeating it makes them stronger!”
Gloria shook her head. He’s obviously got some good reason for resisting. Anything that I do will probably have no effect till we find it!”
“Then find it… and get rid of it!” Mel demanded.
Gloria looked at her friend and saw nothing but panic. She got the distinct impression that there was more at stake here for Mel than she realized. Just what that was, she didn’t know… yet. She shook her head again. “Just stay quiet and let me work!”
“I have to know!”
“Then let me do my thing and stay out of the way!”
Mel wasn’t happy, but she agreed. She knew she had to remain quiet and in the background, she just wasn’t happy about it. She wanted to be the one asking the questions. She wanted to grill him like a ripe witness on a witness stand. Make him tell everything. Make him admit things. Make him agree with her point of view… no matter what the actual facts might show. That was the lawyer in her. Sitting back and doing nothing while her life went up in smoke was just not in her. She had to force herself to trust her friend. She held her silence as they walked back into the room where Chad was. She held her silence… along with her anger and desperation.
Gloria started all over again when she got back. Almost as if he wasn’t in a trance at all. She kept taking him deeper and deeper. Over and over again. Not taking any chances with it.
Mel wanted to kick Gloria to get her to get on with it, but she just paced the room as far back from them as she could while Gloria worked.
Finally Gloria felt ready again to continue with the questions. “Chad,” she said. “I’d like to ask you a few more questions again.”
“Okay,” he answered like before.
“Remember Chad. Stay calm and relaxed. There’s nobody here who wants to cause you any trouble for your answers.” She looked up crossly at Mel. Mel turned quickly away to hide her frustration… unsuccessfully. “Remember Chad, answering truthfully will make you feel happy. And you want to be happy right?”
“Yes,” Chad replied. “Very happy.”
“Good Chad. Very good.” She glanced briefly up at Mel again who was now standing next to her. “Chad, you said before that you forced yourself to learn to control yourself again, and it sounds like you’re trying to control yourself for longer and longer periods of time. Is that right?”
“Yes,” Chad replied with his eyes still closed.
“Self-respect, friends, and a life!”
“Huh?” Gloria hadn’t meant to grunt it out loud. She turned to look at her friend and saw Mel’s eyes bulging too. “What do you mean Chad? I thought you really wanted to be incontinent.”
“I do. I really do,” Chad admitted. Maybe next time. But now… I have no friends, no life… and no self-respect at all. When this bet is over, maybe I’ll try to make myself incontinent again. I know I’m going to stay in diapers… I love them. But when this bet is over, I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to get back some of my friends, I’m going to get myself some kind of a better life, and I’m going to get back some self-respect for myself!”
Gloria was floored. He knew exactly what he was doing, and he had darn good reasons for doing it.
Mel caught her attention. She tried furiously to silently mouth what she wanted Gloria to do, but Gloria wasn’t getting it. Finally, Mel put her mouth up against Gloria’s ear and whispered. “Give him the suggestions again to make him incontinent! Do it!”
Gloria looked up at her for a few moments. She wasn’t at all sure she should anymore. Self-respect, friends, and a life. Chad had good motives. And Gloria had never been totally sure of her own ethics as far as what she was doing with Chad went. It was one thing when she believed that he really wanted what she was doing to him, but now…
Gloria shook her head and motioned for Mel to sit down on her couch. Mel went, but she seemed to be waiting anxiously. Gloria knew what Mel wanted, but she still hadn’t decided what the best course of action for her was. So she did the best thing she could do under the circumstances. “Chad,” she said, “I’m going to start waking you up now. You’re not going to remember anything we talked about at all. You won’t even remember being in a trance at all...
Chad was a bit confused by Mel’s behavior as they drove back to her office so he could pick up his car. She seemed angry, very angry. Not just at him, but he had the distinct impression she had been angry at Gloria too. Why? Nothing out of the ordinary happened during their therapy session as far as he could tell. Nothing at all. He felt as good as he always did. Didn’t she? He guessed not and wondered what had happened to her. Mel didn’t say two words to him the whole time she was driving. And when she did, it was more like she was snapping at him. Why? He couldn’t even really tell if she was angry at him for something or not.
“See you back at my place,” Mel practically grunted as she pulled up way too fast next to Chad’s car. Chad got out with his purse and diaper bag. Before he could even get his keys out of his purse to get into his own car, Mel was screeching her tires, peeling out of the parking lot recklessly.
Mel was angry as she drove. Angry at Chad. Angry at Gloria. She was too angry to drive straight home, so she sped out to the highway and turned North, pushing her pedal so that the car was going way too fast. There was a word she was searching for that defined perfectly what she was feeling. A word that perfectly described what had been done to her. She just couldn’t for the life of her think of what that word was yet.
As she sped northward, she only thought about the visions in her head of her the beautiful house she was going to buy, burning to the ground. All her newfound hopes and dreams were being ground into dust by some unknown force. What was that word?
Finally, she calmed down enough to at least turn around and head back toward home. It was amazing she hadn’t gotten a speeding ticket. Maybe the police knew that she had a reason for racing so fast. Calmer now, she pulled back off the highway and headed back towards her apartment on the streets she travelled every day. The traffic light in front of her turned from green, to yellow, then very quickly to red. She stopped and stared at the light. And she instantly knew the word she had been searching for. The word that perfectly described her situation. The word that also perfectly described her relationship with every man who had ever entered her life. Deceived!
Once again she had been deceived by a man… even though this time, that man was nothing but a sissy. He had hurt her to the core. More than he would ever know. But then men always turned out to be that way. She should have known.
She parked her car in her parking space and trotted angrily up the stairs. She opened her door. Sissy was there tending to the wash that had been left over from the evening before.
“Welcome back, Mistress,” Chad said as he dropped his usual curtsey.
“Get out! Get out now!” she replied angrily.
Chad’s face turned red with surprise. Obviously she was still angry. He just didn’t know why. He quickly grabbed his purse and diaper bag and beat a swift retreat for his own apartment. What was going on? He didn’t have a clue.
But somewhere… late, late at night… deep in the back of his dreams… he kept hearing a single word shouted in anger. The single word that he heard, was Mel shouting “What?” The word that had almost pulled him completely out of the trance that he didn’t even remember in his dreams.