My Funny Farm - Chapter 15 – The Fantasy of Reality – Part 2 of 2

 

My Funny Farm

By Karen Singer

 

Chapter 15 – The Fantasy of Reality – Part 2 of 2

 

Caitlin finally came back into the room to get me.  She paused partway across the room though and reached down to pick my pacifier up from the floor.  She opened the gate and came into my play area and stuffed the pacifier back in my mouth.  “Suck…out…suck…out…suck.”  She was absolutely relentless when it came to making me suck that thing the way she wanted.  She finally stopped her coaching and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of that play area and out of the room.

“I suggest you start learning to accept how you’re going to be dressed and treated in public from now on,” she told me as she dragged me out toward the garage, “because this is what we’ve all planned for you, whether you like it or not, and we already know you’d rather not.”  She stopped walking and turned to me with a sly smile on her face.  “Of course, we also know that deep down inside, you’re probably loving it.”  She stuck her finger into my chest.  “So get used to it.  It’s happening.  Right now in fact!  Now go.  Get in the car.  And remember, the backseat from now on.  I’ll buckle your seatbelt for you.”

I went, but trust me, it was reluctantly.

True to her word, and like she had done last time, I sat in the backseat, and she buckled my seatbelt for me.  Then she looked me in the face.  “Suck…out…suck…out.”  She watched me for a moment to make sure the motion of my pacifier was up to what she expected of me.  While she got the car started and pulled out of the driveway, I sat there in the super cushioning of my diaper and stared down at my bare legs.  Bare legs!  With an emphasis on bare!  I knew I had to look ridiculous.  And she wanted to take me out in public this way?  How was I supposed to handle that?

My hair had once again fallen down in front of my shoulders framing my view of my legs and blocking part of the view out the window.  It was all so surreal that I didn’t know what to do.  All I knew was that the panic was building up inside me.  And then I realized I was peeing…without knowing I had to go.  It wasn’t a lot that came out, but it was enough to make me notice.  And then I realized that I was still sucking my pacifier with that same rhythm that Caitlin and Emily always demanded.  I quickly stopped that and just kept it there in my mouth, as if it was a way to protest and fight back against the way they were forcing me to act.

I stared down at my bare legs in that too short dress until I realized she had pulled into the parking lot and was parking the car.  The strangest thing though was that I was suddenly wishing I could to pee again, just for some little way to give me a bit of relief.  But I felt no need to pee at all anymore.  I had already done that…without trying.

Caitlin came around, opened my car door and unbuckled my seatbelt.  She literally grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the car.  I went, but not willingly.  She stopped me right there.  “Suck…out…suck…out…”  She watched me for a while, getting the rhythm going again.  “Now keep doing that!  I shouldn’t have to remind you at all about that anymore.”  With that, she took my hand and dragged me from the car into the doctor’s office.

The receptionist certainly got a kick out of the way I looked.  There was absolutely no doubt about that.  She didn’t say anything, but I could see she was doing all she could to not laugh out loud.  Caitlin and I took some seats in the waiting room…and waited.  Finally, my name was called and I left Caitlin behind and headed into the doctor’s office for…a chat.  I pulled the plug from my mouth before I opened her door and went in.

“Hello Mr. Bryson,” she said with a very amused look on her face.  “Or should I call you little Miss Bryson today?”

“How about we don’t call me anything and just let me go home and kill myself instead.”

She chuckled.  I guess she thought it was funny.  It should have been perfectly obvious to her that I was serious.

I sat down and immediately asked the one biggest question on my mind.  “Would you really send me back to that behavioral center if I refused to do whatever they want?”

She considered that for only a short moment.  “I’m afraid so.  Everyone knows that’s where you belong.  I’m only allowing this as long as the family continues to provide all the extra therapy for you.”

“How is wearing a dress out in public any kind of therapy?  It’s ludicrous!”

“Ludicrous?  Perhaps,” she admitted.  “But maybe you should consider letting go completely of your old life and ideas and try to embrace some new ones instead.  And, from what I’ve been told, they’re ideas you have an interest in anyway.  Craig, as much as I hate to say this, you need to let go of the old you and become someone new for a while.”

“Why?  There’s nothing wrong with the old me.”

“If you’ll remember, the old you wants to commit suicide.  Which means that you don’t seem to like the old you very much.  You hate your life enough that you’re determined to end it.  Now you get a chance to be someone new.  Someone different.”

“But look at me!  Yeah, I’m different all right.  Ridiculously different!  But how is this supposed to help me?”

“Craig, think for a minute.  If you’re outside of yourself, then maybe you can see your old self better.  Sometimes it takes a completely different point of view in order for us to be able to examine our inner selves completely.  Your family is providing you with that new outer self.  Someone totally different than you used to be.  Now you’ve got the opportunity to look back at your old self and see that self in a completely different light.  Craig, you’ve got an opportunity here to learn a lot about yourself.”

“By dressing and acting like an idiot?”

“If that’s the way you want to think of it.  But think of it as an opportunity instead.  Take the time and immerse yourself in this new person so you can look back on your old life more objectively.”

“Look back on my old life?  All this new life is giving me so far is more stress and worries than I’ve ever had!  And I mean real stress!”

She nodded.  “Yes.  I can see that.  It’s going to take some time and effort though to get past all the embarrassments, so they no longer are any stress for you at all.  New things always take time to get used to.”

I shook my head.  “All I can see now is that I’ve got more reason than ever to want to kill myself.  But the truth is that’s not what I was talking about at all.”

“It wasn’t?”

“No.  But yes, you are right.  I was talking about the way they’re making me…live too.  In fact, that’s a lot of it.  But there’s something else going on that I found out about that has me stressed to high heaven now.”

“Oh?  What?”

“They’re plotting against me.  They’re all against me.  Their real goal is to get me so crazy that they can have me committed permanently somewhere for being completely incompetent.”

“Mr. Bryson, that’s ridiculous!  Of course they’re not.”

“Yes they are!  I know.  One of them told me.  She spilled the beans.  Maybe she thought my baby brain…that I don’t have…wouldn’t be able to understand what she was saying.  But trust me, I understood her perfectly.”

The doctor shook her head.  “And what did she tell you?”

“That they’re planning on making me into so much of an imbecile that they can have me committed permanently for being incompetent.”

“But why would they ever want to do such a thing?”

“Because she said it would give them opportunities.”

“Opportunities?  For what?

“That’s just it.  I don’t know.”

“And what do your son and daughter think about this?”

“I haven’t had a chance to tell them yet.  But I’m planning on it.”

“Mr. Bryson,” she said.  “I think this sudden persecution complex that you’re experiencing is nothing more than a reaction stemming from your reluctance to accept your therapy and the way they want you to live.”

“It is not!”

“I think it is.  Maybe you should consider that fact a bit more than you have.  And speaking of considering things, did you think about any of the things I asked you to think about last week?”

I was angry with her for not believing me.  I stared at her for a moment before I answered.  “Sort of,” I told her.

“Sort of?”

“I figured out why they get me up so early every day.  The answer was so simple I should have realized it before.”

“And what’s that?” she asked.

“It’s simply practical.  Caitlin and Emily have to go to work.  They need time to get me up, changed, fed, and ready before the babysitter comes.”

She nodded.  “That wasn’t so difficult to figure out at all then, was it.”

“No.  Not really.  Now if I could just figure out the rest of it.”

“As much as you might not think so, it’s important that your schedule is as consistent as possible every day.  Right now, you need as much consistency in your life as they can give you.  Which brings us to the next thing I asked you to think about last week, why there’s more playtime in your schedule than anything else.  Did you figure that one out yet?”

I shook my head.  “Not a clue!  It’s stupid.  Just like the dumb toys they give me.  I don’t know what to do with them.”

“And that,” she said, “may be your first clue  Think about it some more this week.  All that playtime you have is one of the most important things in your schedule.”

“Not as far as I’m concerned.  And you should see what they did to my room.  They created an entire nursery out of it, and the biggest center of attraction is a fenced-in play area for me.  A big useless area where I don’t play with all the even more useless toys they gave me.”

“Mm!” she grunted.  “They said they were going redo your room as soon as possible.  I really need to stop by there one day and take a look.  I’m way overdue for a visit to check up on your home life anyway.”

“Home life?  You mean my ridiculous life!  They’re making me do the most outrageous things possible, trying to turn me into a complete imbecile of a baby…strike that…a baby girl now!  And all of it is stupid!”

“Then Craig, I think you need to spend a bit more time thinking about all that.  All of it is important to your therapy to help you get well.  For instance, tell me, have you figured out yet why they want you to watch your porn just before you take a nap every afternoon?”

“Yeah, to make me realize what a pervert I am.  But if they’d just let me kill myself, nobody would have to worry about it.”

“Craig, I’m afraid that’s another thing you need to think about a bit harder.  There’s literally a reason for all of it.”

When I walked out of the doctor’s office, I wasn’t exactly a happy camper.  Caitlin wasn’t happy with me either when she saw my pacifier in my hand instead of in my mouth.  “Suck…out…suck…”  Yeah, my entire life sucked!

It sucked even harder when I realized a little while later that Caitlin was pulling into the parking lot of the grocery store.

“Don’t even try arguing with me, it won’t work!” Caitlin told me before she had even parked the car.  “We need groceries and we’re taking care of it now.”

Hearing that didn’t help matters, even though I already knew she was going to find some way to force me to go inside dressed the way I was.  Sure enough, two minutes later, she had unfastened my seatbelt and pulled me out of the car.  And yes, she held my hand all the way into the store, where she had me take a shopping cart and told me to make sure both my hands never left the handle.  Then she spent a minute staring me in the face just to make sure my pacifier motion was up to specs.  When she looked away though, it was only to pull my dress up and rub her hand all over my diaper to see how wet I was.

“You better not be holding back,” she told me.  “You know what awaits you at home if you are.”

I knew alright.  That damn plug in my ass.  That didn’t mean I was going to simply let go though.  She could stick that plug in me all she wanted.  Something told me it was coming anyway.  My intentions just then were to hold back as much and as long as I could.  Besides, I had another reason for it now.  I had to fight their desire to turn me into a complete imbecile.  There was no way I was going to get committed back to that behavioral center again, and this time for being incompetent.

As much of a fantasy life as all this was, I didn’t want anything at all to do with the reality of it.  Still, like it or not, I was now living the reality of that dream.  A life I knew now that I had to fight against and somehow win…without getting myself recommitted for being crazy.

Once again we wandered slowly around that store.  To say I felt totally embarrassed over the way I looked would be a huge understatement.  Somehow all that long hair partially blocking my view did little to hide the looks I saw from everyone around me.  And all the while, Caitlin had the gall to act like everything was normal.  How could she?  I simply wanted to die!  More than ever.

We were wandering down the third aisle of the store when one of the nearby shoppers looked to Caitlin.  “Excuse me,” she said politely.

“Yes?” Caitlin asked.

She pointed at me.  “Is there a reason he’s dressed like that?”

Caitlin looked at me for a moment before she reached out and pulled the pacifier from my mouth.  “Tell the nice lady why you’re dressed the way you are.  Tell her properly!”

I looked at her, bewildered for a moment, before it finally dawned on me how she expected me to answer.

“Baby, tell her, or you can expect to get punished as soon as we get home.”

I continued to look at Caitlin for a moment more.  I didn’t need any more punishments in my life, even though I knew they were coming.  I looked over at the woman.  Oh how I hated saying, “Because I’m nothing but a baby, and I need to behave like a baby.”

The woman seemed very surprised.

“He wasn’t exactly happy with being the oldest member of our family,” Caitlin explained.  “So we all decided he’d be better off being the baby of the family instead.”

“Baby?” she asked.

To which Caitlin grabbed me and pulled the skirt of my dress way up, fully exposing the diaper I was wearing underneath.  “Baby!” she confirmed.  She groped all around my diaper, doing an overly thorough diaper check, before letting go of my dress and sticking the pacifier back in my mouth.  She watched me intently for a moment until I resumed the rhythmic sucking she expected.

She turned to the woman.  “You’ll have to excuse him.  He’s still learning.  But I know he’ll be getting better in his new role very soon.”  She looked at me.  “Won’t you!” she said sternly.

I looked at her but didn’t say anything.  Did she realize we had opposite opinions on that?

We continued our shopping.  As much as I mentally wanted to pee, just for the strange relief it might bring me, I held on and fought the urge.  I had more reason to fight this life than ever.  During one of Caitlin’s many diaper checks, she angrily accused me of holding back.  I of course said nothing to that.  I was holding back, and for once I didn’t care if she knew it.  The diaper checks kept coming all through the store though.  That damn dress made doing them a bit too easy for her, but what could I do about it?  Nothing!

Eventually, we went through the checkout and Caitlin and I together loaded all that stuff into the car.

Guess what happened the moment we got home.  Right!  I got put up on the changing table, my diaper was pulled down, I got rolled over and firmly strapped down, and Caitlin stuck that darn big plug into my rear end, trying to break my asshole in the process because of the size of the thing.  It was such a relief when the widest part of it finally went in, and the entire thing got a lot more comfortable…which is what it wasn’t.  When she was done with me, she put me on the floor to play again while she went back to remove the groceries from the car and put them away.  But she was back soon after she left me with another baby bottle of juice for me to drink.

“We need to start giving you more of these,” she told me as she handed the thing to me.  “You’re not wetting enough.”

I didn’t tell her, but drinking more bottles was only going to give me more practice at holding back.

“And we need to give you more practice out in public!” she added before she walked off.

More practice in public?  That part didn’t sound good to me at all.  They might make me do all the dumb things they wanted, but I had a reason now to fight back.  I was not going to be committed again, this time for being an imbecile and unable to think for myself.

The battle was on!  They just didn’t know it yet.