Wednesday, February 22, 2012

My Presidential Bid

I would like to formally announce that I will NOT be running for the office of President of the United States.

Although I am probably overly qualified for the position since I have never been elected to nor even run for any political office at all, the real reason I am not running is that I would make one, and only one, campaign promise – to piss people off! But unfortunately our world has somehow become so complex that people need more than that. They need details and promises that every politician is forced to make – and that they can’t in truth promise to keep. So in order for me to make and keep one promise, it would have to be that I would promise to piss people off. And I am sure that I could accomplish that with very little difficulty!

For instance, take the country’s economic situation. While congress is looking left and right for places to throw money – where it will do very little good in the long run, I would invest most of it in only one place – and surprisingly that would not be my pocket. What I would do is something so ludicrous that nobody in their right mind would consider doing it. And if that wouldn’t piss people off, then I don’t know what will.

First of all, I would put the money into oil. Don’t forget, it was the price of oil that precipitated this depression – and every other depression I can remember in my long lifetime. All regular gasoline sold at the pump would be priced at $2.50 per gallon. Not $2.50 and 9/10ths, but $2.50! And that price would include all federal, state, and local taxes – period! Diesel fuel for trucks would cost $2.75 – even though I understand that it’s cheaper to make.

Then the price of the fuel would be stabilized by law to remain at that exact rate for the next ten years. After that, it could only be raised by a very small amount and only by an act of congress.

So how is this supposed to help the economy? If you’re thinking of the savings to your wallet every time you pump gas you’re looking in the wrong place. Yes, you will realize savings – which will help a lot, but that’s not the bigger picture here.

With the price of fuel stabilized and relatively cheap, don’t you think that businesses would be very interested in moving back from overseas to build their plants somewhere where they can count on the price of energy to be stable? And don’t forget, the price of oil will also affect the price of electricity. Yes, the price of labor may be higher here than in other countries, but that would be more than offset by the stable cost of the power to run their business and the cost of fuel to ship their goods.

More businesses moving in, will mean more jobs for everyone – which will mean an improvement in the economy. It’s that simple.

Okay, that’s part one. Now for part two – and this will really piss people off! I would pass a law that in the next five years would require all brand new passenger vehicles sold in this country, including pickup trucks, to be required to run off of either electricity alone, or be hybrids that run off of both gas and electricity. This would help offset what congress would be losing by investing in oil and stabilizing the price. It would also drastically lower this countries dependence on oil.

Of course, I would also propose increased benefits and incentives for companies that produce alternative forms of electricity production. That would be a key part of the whole scheme too.

Then I would simply sit back and wait a few years and do very little else and let the economy take care of the economy. And of course, that would piss people off too.

So you see, since the only thing I can promise is to make everybody mad, I feel it’s better that I don’t run for office. Sorry, but that’s my final decision.

And I didn’t even start to explain how I would fix healthcare!

1 comment:

sarah penguin said...

But happened to your free diapers for every sissy, AB, babyfur, and incontinent person party platform?

Given your notice, I am afraid I have no choice but to vote for your non-candidacy twice, just to send a clear message of disapproval.