Wednesday, June 10, 2015

My Lament

 Please disregard all this.  I’m just going to lament a little bit about life.  But before I get started, for those who are wondering about the story you’re reading right now, Hypnotized and Humiliated, yeah, you’re closer to the end of it than you think! 

I lost my computer to a bad lightning strike about six to eight weeks ago now, and I can’t afford to replace it.  So writing has gone a whole lot slower for me.  In fact, writing has become downright difficult.  But the story will be done before you get there so don’t worry.

And before you start worrying about me, don’t!  I’m actually on a high note today.  My published book is being released next week and my first book signing will be a few days after that, so I’m actually doing fairly well.

Now, down to the business you can all ignore – please!  Um…where was I?  Oh yeah, I wanted to lament a little bit about life. 

I once wrote a story called, “Second Life, Second Chance.”  It’s actually one of my favorite stories and I’d really like to publish it someday, if I can ever figure out how.  But the hero of the story is an “elderly” gentleman who dreamed his whole life of being a girl – but of course couldn’t because that kind of thing just wasn’t thought of or done in those days.  It was a curse that had to remain tightly hidden and never spoken of. 

Anyway, that elderly gentleman is kind of like me.  I’ve always been the same way.  From my earliest memories I’ve always wished I were born a girl instead of a boy.  But that’s not what life gave me, and I’ve done the best I can with what I was given.  What else could I do?  And overall, I guess I’ve somewhat succeeded at life – at least in many important ways. 

But now I continually read about all the advances that have suddenly been made in the transgendered area, and I can’t tell you how much I applaud every one of them.  Actually, they worry me a bit because it’s like there’s too many advances being made too quickly.  But each little step forward is really a very major step as far as I’m concerned.  My heart goes out to all the transgendered people of the world – whatever sex or race or religion you are.  I feel for you and wish you nothing but the very best.

But I guess this is kind of a lament, because I was born fifty or sixty years too early.  I never had the kind of chance that the kids today have…or the adults either.  Yes, I’m well into my sixty’s now.  Yes, I’m an old dude!  And I feel older every day.  Trust me!  And in doing the best that I can with the life that I’ve been gifted with, things are such that I can’t let the existence of Karen even be breathed anywhere around anyone else.  So you dear readers are the only ones who know Karen.  And sometimes I wonder if even I don’t know her since she never really got a chance to develop and grow.  She has always existed only in my mind. 

All my life, I’ve looked at the girls and women around me and wished I was them.  Yes, I know I’m crazy, I know it’s wrong, but that’s just the way it is…and was.  I’ve been jealous of all the females around me all my life.  And I know I shouldn’t be!  I know that!  I know how much I have, and how much my current life has brought me, but I’m crazy, remember?  But I’m still jealous.  So sue me – that’s the way it is! 

One of the things in particular that has caught me by surprise lately are the decisions being made right now for the military.  I spent twenty-four years in the military.  And for all of those twenty-four years I looked at all the women working with me, and as usual, I wished I was them.  Could I have done my military job as a woman?  Absolutely!  I could have done the job just as well as I did for twenty-four years – and I would have been a whole lot happier doing it.  But then, I wasn’t on the front lines anywhere…usually. 

So bottom line, I’m rooting for all of you, no matter who you are or what you’re doing.  If your life isn’t what you believe it should be, then I’m hoping you find true peace – one way or another.  My best to all of you!



sarah penguin said...


'Lil Melissa said...

Karen, I can truly empathize w/you. Since I was about 8 I knew I wanted to be a girl. At the time things like that just weren't talked about.(or done)I did my best to hide it - doing all the guy stuff - but wasn't really good at it. It seemed to me the older I got the stronger the urge to do something about it became. The list of 'accomplishments' sounds cliche, failed marriage, missing my child grow up to name a couple. It wasn't until my mid 40's that I changed things for the better and started to transition. That was over 7 years ago and I've never been happier!Yea, I grew up wanting to be like the girls and women around me, but it certainly WASN'T crazy or wrong!That's the attitude of the society you were raised in, not the way it has to be. I understand your situation - somewhat - but at least you have this outlet to explore 'Karen' as best you can. It's maybe not your ideal, but it's something to help keep the frustrations at bay. That's how I looked at my escapes to be myself anyway. I disagree w/the 'old dude' bit. I know a woman who just started transition a little over a year ago at 66! She doesn't have Caitlyn Jenner's money or advantages but she IS happy, even w/all the difficulties involved. What I'm trying to say in my rather rambling way is; enough w/the 'crazy', you're not, nor are you wrong to feel as you do. You are loved; for Karen as much as the other part of you. At the end of the day, if you can say that, then that's a fine thing.

Karen Singer said...

Thank you Melissa. What you said has really touched me. But things are what they need to be for me. Now I just have to keep from crying over the beautiful things you just said.