by Karen Singer
Chapter 41 (Thursday – week 6 Part 1 of 8)
In her dreams, she lived in a fine new house – a mansion. And Sissy was right there to take care of it for her. Everything was kept beautifully. The house was in perfect order, and everything she needed personally was taken care of as well. Except that… Sissy had somehow become a robot – a mechanical creature incapable of feelings of any kind. He worked diligently and continuously without complaint. Every request was automatically carried out, just as a proper machine should do.
While he basically looked the same, every once in a while she actually caught sight of the small rivets that held him together – the most prominent ones hinging his jaw. The rivets served as a constant reminder to her of just what he was… and what he wasn’t.
Though he was perfect in every way as far as taking care of her, the one thing that she found that she wanted the most from him was to feel something, to express thoughts that weren’t mechanically generated. She wanted more and more to know that… he cared about her.
Over and over again, she tried to work with him, train him, teach him… and over and over again she failed. It just wasn’t possible. Teaching the mechanical Sissy to have feelings of any kind was simply impossible.
More and more she began to feel alone, abandoned. More and more she yearned for his affection... his love. And more and more the aching loss made itself known by the physical discomfort in the pit of her stomach.
The sound of her alarm clock brought her out of her dream state, out of sleep. Yet the feeling of depression and the feeling of discomfort in her stomach didn’t change one bit. She opened her eyes and reached out to turn off the alarm, and remembered that she was still at the height of her period. No wonder she felt bad. Hopefully, later today things would start to ease off.
She pulled herself out of bed and made a stop in the bathroom before heading to her kitchen. The coffee pot seemed like a beacon, calling her to it. Mechanically, she fixed the pot and set it brewing. She stood there, right in front of it the whole time it was working. Her eyes were closed the entire time as if she was asleep. She tried to think, but thoughts refused to come. All she was really aware of was the discomfort in her body from her period. She opened her eyes occasionally to check if the coffee was ready yet… but as they say, a watched pot never boils. It seemed like an eternity till she could finally pour herself a cup and take that first sip. The hot liquid seemed to burn all the way down to her stomach. And she loved it!
She took several more sips right where she was standing till she finally decided she could move again – and then she headed directly into her living room where she collapsed onto her favorite chair to finish her coffee. A few sips later, she finally took a deep breath, trying to wake herself up more, trying to snap out of her funk and come back to life again. It worked, but not quite the way she would have liked.
Her first new thoughts were of sitting at the table last night, trying to talk to Sissy. And of how his reply had stung. She never once thought about how rude he had been. She never once reminded herself that nothing he said or thought mattered in the least. She never once even thought anything at all about the bet. All she remembered was that he thought she didn’t care about him, and how cold he had been towards her. And it hurt.
A few sips of coffee later, her mind slowly began to function a bit more. How could he think that she didn’t care? Wasn’t everything she did all for him? Wasn’t everything designed to fulfill his wildest fantasies – which were wild, to say the least! So how could he possibly think that she didn’t care?
An image of her beating him severely a few nights ago flashed through her brain. An image of her making him spend an inordinate amount of time on the perch in his corner came to mind. An image of him drinking baby bottle after baby bottle in an attempt to avoid getting punished for not leaking came to mind. An image of him in his highchair with nothing to eat but baby food came to mind. An image… Ugh! There were all too many of them… and none of them were good! Maybe she could see why he thought the way he did. But… all of it was for him. And all of it was designed so that she could win the bet… and ultimately keep – him.
Couldn’t he see that? Of course not! Despite all the male things she had taken away from him, what she could probably never remove was his pig-headed way of thinking. Male thinking. Men! They just never had a clue!
With her brain functioning marginally better now, she drained the last of her coffee and headed for the shower. It was another day. And she had absolutely no idea what she was going to do about Sissy.
Chad stared mindlessly at his reflection in the mirror. He had hurt her last night with his words. He had never meant to do that, they had just kind of slipped out. But once words were said, they could never really be recalled. She had every right to be mad at him. But nothing she could ever do to him could make him feel worse than he did right now about it. He had tried to tell her he was sorry, but she didn’t want to hear it… rightfully so. He needed a way to fix things with her. But he didn’t have a clue as to how.
Disgusted with himself, he grabbed his curling iron and went to work on his hair. He was noticing now that it seemed to be a bit longer than it was just a few weeks ago. When he wrapped it around the curling iron, it not only went around further, it came out in tighter curls – that he had to work to straighten more with his brush.
Once his hair was done, he went through his usual makeup routine. It was becoming so familiar that he could practically do it in his sleep. And to think that he used to have so much trouble with just putting on his mascara! How stupid! It really wasn’t all that hard at all! He just prayed he wouldn’t have to worry about fixing his face any other way than what he was doing right now though because he really wouldn’t have a clue as to how!
Yesterday he had worn his colorful dress. Today, he reached for a simple skirt and blouse. There was no question about wearing any kind of pants, they were pretty much out of the question. Since he hadn’t worn them yet, he cleaned his ears and inserted the new pink earrings – the good ones. He loved how they sparkled in the mirror as he turned his head back and forth. There was something about adding earrings to his outfit that just seemed to make him look more like a woman than ever – a situation that actually pleased him.
Since he was wearing the pink earrings, he went with all his old pink jewelry again. Well, it all did match – although the earrings were just a shade darker in color than the rest of it.
Checking his entire image in the mirror one more time, he declared himself ready – physically. Mentally, he had no idea how he was going to face Mel again. And how mad was she probably going to be today? And what was she going to put him through because of it? He worried a lot about that. But mostly, he just wanted to take back what he had said to her last night… or maybe at least the way he had said it, because it wasn’t exactly nice. He had hurt her with his words. And in doing so, he was the one who was suffering. But of course, she’d never understand that. Women!
Mel had fixed his baby cereal breakfast because she didn’t know what else to do. And when his knock came at her door, she still wasn’t prepared to face him. But she had to face him. Their time apart had come to an end. Bracing herself, she went to the door and opened it.
“Good mowning, Mistwess,” he said in his sissy voice as he dropped his usual curtsey for her.
Something inside of her still thrilled to see him do that, but today it was a muted thrill. “Good morning, Sissy,” she replied as she backed out of the way to let him in. She waited till he set his purse and diaper bag down under her table by the door, then she took his bag of empty baby bottles from him. She would never bother to check to see if the right number was there. Not today at least. She gave him the once over. “The pink earrings today,” she noted out loud. “They really are pretty.”
“Thank you, Mistress,” he replied.
She recognized that they were both just going through the usual dance – probably because neither of them knew what else to do. Continuing the situation, she sent him to climb up into his highchair. She followed him in and put the tray in place for him, then tied his bib around his neck. Should she really be doing this? But what else was there? The moment the bib was in place, she stood back to look at him. Was he smiling at her more than usual this morning? She couldn’t figure out why – if he was.
She picked up the bowl of baby cereal with the tiny baby spoon already in it and carried it to him. She set it down on the tray. Was he smiling at her again? Why? She grabbed another baby bottle full of juice and brought that to him as well. Then she went back to grab her coffee and stand leaning against the counter to watch him – just as she usually did. But somehow, she wasn’t looking forward to watching him make a fool of himself this morning.
Chad finally picked up the tiny spoon in his left fist like he was supposed to. He started to bring it toward the bowl of lousy baby cereal… and he stopped. He had to do something! He had to! He carefully set the spoon down on the tray and looked directly up at her. “Mistress,” he began in his sissy voice. “I just wanted to say how sorry I am again for what I said last night. I didn’t really mean it! I didn’t mean to hurt you at all. I didn’t want to do that… it just happened.” He looked down at the cereal in front of him. “I used to have the same problem with my wife… I mean my ex wife. I sometimes say things I don’t really mean.” He looked back up at her again, he felt so bad! “I just wanted you to know how really sorry I am about that!”
Mel could see how emotional he seemed to be about it. She had no doubt at all that he really meant every word. But all that was secondary to her own need to patch things up with him. She barely realized she was heading toward him till she pulled one of the chairs out and sat down at the table near him.
Apologizing was never easy, but she knew that she had to apologize for some of the things she had done to him. “I… I’ve been reckless,” she said before she even knew what she was going to say. “I’ve done things to you and hurt you in ways that… well, I can only imagine how they made you feel. I just thought that… everything I was doing was things you would actually love – deep down somewhere. And everything I was doing has been aimed at one thing and one thing only – so I can win this bet.” She looked down at the table. “And I’m afraid I still feel that way… that I have to win this bet, because…” But she couldn’t really put into words why she needed to win so badly – especially not to him. “Because…” She finally apologetically shrugged her shoulders. “Because I have to!”
Chad heard her, but he didn’t really understand why she felt she should have to apologize to him. “But…” He searched for the right words to say. “But I’m the one who hurt you! I should have never said what I did last night! That was so wrong. It’s just that… just that…” But he didn’t know why he had done it. “Maybe I was just too tired last night,” he finally replied. “Yesterday was a particularly bad day. And I was hungry too.” He tried to smile. “Baby food doesn’t go very far. I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself. I know I shouldn’t do that. It’s not right! I’m not supposed to feel that way. So… I’m sorry,” he said again.
Mel leaned back in her seat. He had been tired and upset. She had been out of sorts too. Together, everything combined to make things worse for both of them. “So what do we do about it?” she finally asked. “I guess that leads me back to my original question from last night. How do you feel about all the things I’ve been making you do? And…” She leaned forward, trying to find the right way to ask this question again. “And, how do you feel about me? Do you at least know that, despite everything I make you do, I do care for you?”
It was hard to look her in the eye and say it. “Yes, I know that you care. It’s just that sometimes… when there’s so much other stuff going on… most of which is bad or disturbing… I guess it’s just hard to realize or remember that.”
She understood – all too well. At least he was aware, on some level, that she cared. “So, where do we go from here?” She asked again. “What do we have to change?”
He shook his head, then he thought some more and shook his head again. “I don’t really know. I guess… nothing.”
“As much as I hate to say it,” he grinned, “and I really do hate to say this… But despite all the stuff you make me do, and despite all the problems it’s causing – and will continue to cause, probably for the rest of my life – and despite all the pain – which I hate – you really are making me live what can only be described as a dream. You’re forcing me to do things I never would have been able to do before. The only problem is that all those things are getting harder and harder. But at the same time, I remember that the things that seem nothing to me now, were just as hard when we first started. So, because of you, I’m getting to do things I never imagined I’d be doing in real life – and all too many things I never imagined… period! So I guess my answer has to be, don’t change anything, because at least I know how things are supposed to work now. And if we change things, then I’ll probably be lost.”
Mel thought about his answer. It wasn’t the answer she was expecting to hear – this morning. It had been mostly the answer she had wanted to hear last night. But now, after being so upset about everything, it was a very unexpected answer. “So we keep on exactly as we have been, or at least as my whims dictate… no matter what it’s going to do to you?”
Chad closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He opened his eyes again. “Yes. Just as we have been.” Then he thought to add something. “But, maybe you can not pun…”
Mel cut him off quickly. “If we’re going to go on like before, then you don’t get any say as to what I do and what I don’t do!” She put a wicked smile on her face. “So, it’s full steam ahead?”
Chad paused then nodded, “Full steam ahead.” And he prayed that he would survive it.
Mel felt so much better all of a sudden. Like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She leaned back in her chair again. “So, you said that yesterday was a bad day? Tell me about it.”
Chad picked up his spoon again and started eating. Then he told her in detail how Robin was now starting to get on his case about using his girly voice all the time and how all the women were now teasing him about his upcoming date with Derek. Mel listened raptly to all of it, actually enjoying every word of it. She particularly got a kick when she found out that Robin had seen the picture of him from the poker game and what she had done with it!
It was one of those moments when neither of them wanted the outside world to intrude. Consequently, neither of them realized that his breakfast was taking so long that he was going to be late getting to work.